A Love Letter to my Future

I never saw you coming, but somehow I knew you were always there. Watching over me, you see through the trees. You don’t ask how I spend my time, but you want to know. So you spend time, with me.

I’m intrigued taking opportunities to learn where you have come from, where you wish to go and with whom to do it all with. We become students in the subject of our lives. Together we create a slow burn with intention and mindfulness in the process.
Afternoon leisure turns into evening retreats leading to morning rituals.

Our lives intertwine as we share habits, friends and family that begin to fill our branches providing the shade we will need when the burn becomes too hot. The branches support us when the wind blows too strong making our roots dig deeper with each nuance.

Together we weather the storms knowing its unpredictable nature will pass. Your confidence is your strength, mine is courage. We grow wise reminding each other the storms are there to bring us closer in their rage as this is where we find truth. And in that truth we learn to be our exact selves. Stripped of outside influences, comparisons or preconceived ideas passed down to us.

This is my Love story.

My Path

The air is dry as I walk through January’s cold complacency. But the feeling I receive from the steps I take skipping down the steep slope feel light. I spot a glistening in the distance and begin to squint from the sun’s luminous ray. It won’t be long before I get to where I am going although I am uncertain of where that is. Excitement tingles through my veins as I approach the water’s edge. Pleasantly surprised I see the grass is greener and I remove the heavy layer that’s become my armor for the season. It feels like summer as I lean into the first tree I come to. I’m alone in the meadow, like a character in a book I have entered another chapter. This is not where I was just an hour ago. Nothing in my presence is cold, dark or straining on my eyes. I don’t need glasses nor a pen to take notes. Where I stand now requires nothing of me, asks nothing of me. I close my eyes so I may only feel the warmth, but soon open them again to catch how it illuminates the flowing creek in front of me.

This is where I go when the world has become stale. When people have become too loud extinguishing my thoughts. It’s nature’s meditation. It needs nothing but what it offers. Living harmoniously feeding from the life it provides and I get to be a part of it. No one can take away the peace I feel when I walk into nature. Here I am at home with no judgement or constant need for my attention.

A walk in nature preserves the soul, keeps us young and reminds us who we are. Human. None of us are exempt from this label. The only separation between me and you is our thoughts. The flesh suit we carry each day may come in unique shapes and sizes, but it remains to be the same. Our touch with nature is our commonality. The closer we are to it, the closer we become to each other. Sharing the same paths as our footprint proves we were there. How many times will we step in them today, tomorrow or next year? When we are here we are whole and we begin to see things for what they are. My mind is clear until I begin steady up the steep slope preparing me for any uphill battles that await. Training me for those challenges in the shelter of my car, the noise of my phone or the walls of my work. Its cycle remains steady providing me with the reassurance I need when my mind isn’t so kind to my heart. A walk in nature is always just a few steps away. Nothing else comes close.

My Hobbies Are

We’re all guilty of it, putting aside the things we love. Claiming we are too busy to stop and spend time doing the things we enjoy..those things called “hobbies”. They make us nervous on job applications, dating sites and enter our thoughts at night when we struggle to find out who we are, where we went and what we have become. These “things” that used to define us now plague us as we grow older. We reach for admiration from others in bringing up our children, decorating our homes and traveling to new countries.

No doubt in today’s society of corporate empires, government control and social media dominance this is understandable. Who could possibly know what they love, what fills their days, what enters their dreams without an onslaught of preconceived ideas coming at us like missiles in a Space Invaders game. Karen loves dogs, so she is must hate cats. Nick loves cats so he must be “different”. I used to garden, make my son’s baby food by using the herbs from said garden. I remember taking sandwiches to my husband’s band friends on a Sunday afternoon to hear them play Clapton and Phish rifts. But before I go down the “good ol days” rabbit hole, let’s focus on the topic. We forgot who we are without living it through someone we think we rather be.

Whether it’s our hobbies, the people we choose to call friends or the way we get dressed (or not at all in today’s work from home environment) we all have something we can list next to our name. I like to be clever with the beers, bikes and Battlestar Galtactica…an Office reference that no one ever gets. And that’s ok. Because that’s me. That’s who I am. I don’t say those things to attract anyone. I just really like to ride my bike all day, reward myself with a beer and think about Dwight Schrute because he makes me laugh.

The thing is we are attracting the wrong people all the time when we don’t even know what attracts us. If you can’t be yourself then you are going to attract those who like someone else. And at first you won’t notice because you’ll have this shiny new relationship that you can then use to attract more people by showing it off. But once we want to be real with this shiny new person, they don’t know what is happening because you were a lie from the beginning.

Take the time to get to know you. Who cares if others like it or not. If you like to plant beets, go plant beets. It’s not your hobby or even your looks that matter. Who are you when you fight? Do you turn into the Hulk? If so, maybe work on that before sharing a dating profile. Are you judgmental and selfish? Hey, guess what…we all can be. But if you find yourself constantly being put in defensive situations and are sensitive to critism, you may not be ready to go plant beets with someone.

At the end of the day, be yourself, but work on that. Work on the things you love about you, not what someone gives you 500 likes for. (I’m just clicking like 500 times). You are only going to attract those who think you are something you are not only to find yourself alone and heartbroken again and again once they realize you are only mirroring what everyone else is doing and you fall short when being asked to offer more of who you are. This will disappoint a lot of people that thought they signed up for a roll in the hay with a hot beet farmer.

Make a list of the the qualities you want in a partner or maybe it’s a list of qualities you already have in someone. Then read your list and be those things.

Love is not validation. And those behind the constant likes aren’t the ones sharing a family, bed or work space with you. It’s an empty gesture distracting you from putting in the work of those who are supporting and actually loving you enough to tell you when you’re being not so nice. In the long run, you may win the popularity contest but you will come up short each time in the self awareness one and in the end, you have to live with you, no one else is required to.

Be Your Valentine

It’s been some time since I’ve seen the sun. The smile on my face tells another story. Although the afternoon fills the room with grey, cool melancholy. I feel the warmth of the sun every time I see his face. In my mind, it warms my heart, but when he is with me, it warms my soul. To love someone is all things. The shiny, happy people that exist also do so in the dullness of the passing moments. As we sit together, very much apart he knows he is loved. The existence of it is precious, but not weak. Love is strong and doesn’t fall out of. Once you love, that is it. You have it to give, and you are able to receive. In this instance the love is for my son who doesn’t need a definition. He just knows he feels safe when he is with me. The feeling is not questioned, even in times of frustration. And we wake each day knowing we will always have each other. Nothing else in this world is as matter of fact and given as the act of Love.

We don’t own love nor do we own those we love. In fact love is allowing it to be what it wants. Love isn’t controlled, manipulated or demanded. And the only way to love is through your own. We can only love what we love of ourselves. The beauty of the world can only be seen through the eyes of those who believe there is beauty to be seen. And the only way to believe is to believe in yourself. This isn’t through ego or validation. Both are the opposite of love and will continue our society down a path of hate, anger and self righteousness. As long as everyone is agreeing with us or applauding everything we do, we will continue to confuse love with entitlement. It’s when we are brave enough to apologize, forgive and see that others can do the same when we break these destructive patterns.

When we choose to love ourselves, we choose to accept our flaws and to share our confidence. Accepting is not pushing these flaws on to others, but to understand they are there and feel empathy when they impact those around us. They are like the strokes of the brush that are never seen yet still make up the most magnificent art piece. They must exist in order for the beauty to come through the canvas. In times of struggle, we write sad songs; in times of weakness, we set goals for a better future; in times of anger, we look to ourselves to be more kind. It’s these moments that allow us to appreciate love. Heart ache exists because we love others who are also flawed. Heart break happens when we let ourselves down. Both are examples of why love doesn’t always feel good. What it does though is make us feel. It’s up to us what we do with those feelings. Take a deep breathe, remember you love who you are and go find out who that is.

Like the Weather

The beauty of the world doesn’t need your validation. And although it comes and goes with the whisp of the wind or looms over with its threatening sky; we are thankful for it. In every form, we love our world. We know that without it we cannot grow the food or wash away our wounds. We love talking about the weather and we do so in times of heat, drought or snow.

In these times, we may shout at it. Become frustrated with what it is or isn’t gifting us today. There may even be times it takes life from us. But again, we continue to love…our world. As we know it is not the fault of what it brings us. We love it because we are grateful for those glorious days where the sun fills us with joy and the rain feeds our crops.

It decides what it will provide us with today. And we are able to choose what we do with it. We can embrace it in all its magnificent swells, holding on until we finally let go and allow it to sweep us up to the sky where we look down to see what we’ve been missing all these years. The world isn’t always kind to us. It challenges us in ways that make us vulnerable. It’s up to us to embrace that vulnerability and be who we know we are.

We always have a choice. Will you sing in the rain or will you allow it to make you shiver? It doesn’t mind which you choose, it will still be here tomorrow, whether you love it or not.

The Top 10 Things I Learned Most About Dealing With a Life Change

If I’ve learned anything over the years riding constant waves of change; from divorce to losing a 20 year career and starting all over, it’s that change is inevitable. It’s how we choose to handle it that we will either continue our suffering or put a hault to it. I created this list right in the midst of the thick of it and….I wouldn’t change a thing.

#10
Stop Overthinking
You are wasting precious time
Overthinking will only lead to anxiety
Overthinking is NOT focus

#9
People are not mad at you
They are just jealous

#8 Let it the Fuck Go
Keep a routine, but stop stressing over details
The most successful and interesting people in this world didn’t get that way by keeping clean sinks and made beds

#7
Remember What IS Important
Refer to #8 for assistance

#6
Do It! Do It Now! Do It Yesterday! Chances are….you planned for this

#5
You Will Not Recognize Yourself
This is kinda the point….because you’ve CHANGED!

#4 Remember the Past All You Want as long as you don’t relive it

#3 Regrets are Stupid
You learned something…unless you’re stupid

#2 Stop Reading Other People’s Quotes and go write your own!

And the #1 thing I learned most about change is…
You Can Do It! But it Means You Have to Change.

Drifting

In a daze, the haze lifts upon the morning lake. Like glass the water feels smooth on my fingertips as they just touch the surface. They tingle with delight sensing the depth just inches below where the turtles dance. My body finds the strength to pull itself from my board to find myself a drift in the middle of the lake. The only life around me, the sounds of nature and a lone fisherman standing so still I don’t consider him there.

The push of my paddle stroking the water is intoxicating like a wet dream. A three dimensional moment as I peer into the lake and watch as the seaweed sways, look up to the sky as the egret takes flight and breathe deeply this life’s emotional wave.

When I’m here, I’m no where else. When I’m somewhere else, I’m here. When the world tries to swallow me whole, I run to the place I can drift. Where no one can catch me and my mind, body & soul belong to me. Here there is no need to scream or cry. No need to run. The turtles seek nothing other than sunlight. The fisherman cares are gone and my own are too. My mind seeks only what is right in front of me.

Schedules, deadlines and responsibility do not live on the lake. And when they live in the present and I feel so trapped I can’t breathe, my mind takes me to the silky, cool water that sends me only where it chooses to go. Without a sail, I am pulled away from land so I may breathe deeply again. This place I go, the natural world, with no preconceived notions or judgements. It embraces my soul when I’m feeling alone in the world. No longer on an island, this is where I am free, drifting into the water’s embrace.

The Kissing Tree

Clouds shield us from the sun when the heat is too much to bare.

Magnificent bark of green covered limbs

reaching tall into the atmosphere.

You and me embraced by it all

A part of the sky, the tree

We feel them on our lips

as we kiss underneath

providing our love

forming a new leaf.

The Absence that made the Heart Grow Fonder

You can look for it all your life. And there were times you thought you had found it. IT is always there. Sure there may be days, months and even years that pass where you are free to be completely in love with your time, your life….you. They say that’s the healthiest way to find IT, to be sure you have IT first. But even during these times, IT is in the back of your mind, sometimes you may find it as your pillow or in a song. Lots of times it comes as the bottom of a bottle of red.

IT makes you cry, laugh and question your existence. If you don’t have IT is there something wrong with you? I know there have been times I certainly have felt that way. But then I realized I do have IT. I met this tiny person 11 years ago that I helped to grow. I mean IT was just given to me, a gift! How did I deserve this? I have never felt this way before. IT came in the form of my son and IT didn’t take anything at all. IT came the minute I knew he was a part of me. Then he became US and we were intertwined. I took care of US, I spent time with US, I thought about OUR future and he was always on my mind.

How could this be? So easy, there was no doubt this was IT. And when he was in my arms for the first time I knew exactly what IT was and haven’t questioned IT since. IT was of course, LOVE. I’m convinced my son and I are soul mates. We know what each other are feeling more than we do ourselves. We talk about what our past lives were like and what our future lives might be like. We are very serious, funny and crazy. We are never just a little bit of anything, we are always a whole lot of everything. And usually way too much for anyone else.

I can’t imagine life without him so much so that I just don’t ever. He taught me what IT was. IT is unconditional. I know what that means now too! And it dawned on me that until he arrived, I had never had anyone feel IT for me. But now I do. And suddenly my life became more precious. I want to be a better person. He makes me believe that I am capable of doing so. I question anyone or anything that doesn’t have our best interest at heart and take it head on like some kind of woman warrior. The strength he has given me to fight systems that don’t allow him to fit in, to stand up to people that don’t accept us for who we are or cross our boundaries is more than I could have ever known. I spent most of my life playing victim to people that didn’t want the best for me until he came to be.

It’s truly amazing what IT can do for you. It’s a healing power, providing confidence that you may not have without IT. It’s not even something you need to do anything for. When you have IT you just want the best for this person. IT comes naturally and providing comfort, support and empathy are like little rewards for being human.

I hope that everyone has IT. Some way, some how; in a sister, a friend, a lover….a son. IT will save your life. And once you have IT, telling you to hold on to IT is pointless because you will already know that. You will never take IT for granted. Negative feelings will become conversations that needed to happen. IT will open your eyes to new ideas or make you reach inside to find who you really are and ask you what you really want.

Now that I know what IT is I am open to find even more of IT. IT pays itself forward and allows you to find others that are also looking for IT. In all the years of absence, I never realized how much it was making my heart grow fonder.

Lost

I can’t remember the last time I saw her. But her image has always been burned into my mind. I remember being a young age the first time I felt empathy. Maybe I had prior, but this would be the first I recall knowing what it was. It felt helpless. I remember thinking of her knowing she was alone even though I was aware that her loneliness was brought on by her cat like persona, pulling people in only to later push them out.

It was like an art form, the way she was able to manipulate those who saw her beauty, her intelligence, her mystery. Bringing them in was easy for her. It was easy to be attracted to her long black hair, olive skin and petite figure. But her ability to adapt to others personalities, whether it was their kindness, intelligence or artistic mojo she was just that. She could be sweet and giving, even working with the mentally disabled, and doing it well, for a period of time. And then so cold, her glaring stare could burn a hole in your heart.

Being a younger sister to this maleficent being was, well, an interesting ride. In our younger years, we played like sisters did…at least I thought that’s what we were doing. Now, as an adult, I realize even back then, she had already shown signs of…something different. I will need a pardon on that one as I, and those who were closest to her, still don’t know what that “different” quite was. At first maybe it was the idea that something was a bit “off”. Then, as you spent more time in her presence, you could almost feel her negativity fill the room quickly like a cloud of smoke forming from the oven burning the last bit of oil that had dripped from the pan. It filled your soul, no matter how light your mood, somehow it would swallow you up and leave you as charred as the remains of that oil left to suffer at the bottom of the oven.

But then there were days where a smile might peak through. Something would connect you to her and she would glow like the sun setting over the warmest of waters. It would make you feel like you could be friends again. Remembering the days where you would practice your dance routine based on the show “Fame” that you both loved so much together. Or the nights spent painting pottery and watching “Night Rider” until the parents picked you up. Even though she was better than you in all facets of life be it painting or writing, hell even talking. Somehow at every age I felt I was in the presence of an extremely educated girl, a girl that never did come to graduate high school. It was impossible to keep up with my older sister, but that was ok. I only wanted her to like me.

The things that made her happy….punk rock music, guys with mohawks and Doc Martens, Fells Point (before it sold out), patchouli, beads and scarves and weird ass jewelry. But all those things were the things that my 10 year old self wanted so badly too, because they were nothing like anything I’d ever seen. While my friends were listening to Debbie Gibson and Van Halen, I was being pulled in by the sounds of Pink Floyd, Dead Kennedys, Sinead O’Connor, The Sugarcubes, Siouxie and the Banshees. I remember the blank cassette tapes in her handwriting she would give to me, dubbing the coolest new tracks. I felt like I was the only one my age privy to this information. Hanging with here punk rock, teenage friends, full of angst we would walk downtown and throw quarters in the sewer grate sipping on Jolt soda outside of the Pizza on Wheels. I was turning into somebody, somebody different than everyone else. And it felt cool. Not good, but cool. So I went with it.

Unfortunately for me, this was during a time when I would be entering middle school watching my friends move away to different schools leaving me with bus rides full of newcomers to town. Growing up in a safety net of a neighborhood, riding bikes and wondering through corn fields with my besties, that was all demolished to allow for affordable housing and the development demons that stole my childhood. The loss of my innocent childhood was unfolding before my eyes to be replaced with pissed off kids, complacent parents and years of defending myself from girls that thought I was trying to steal their boyfriends to boyfriends that only dated me to break up with me in front of the entire school, loads of gum in my hair and even an unbeknownst sucker punch to the eye.

I reveled this by buzz cutting my hair, wearing combat boots and pouring myself into my studies. This only made matters worse for me, of course. Middle school is already a cluster of puberty, emotions and awkwardness, unbeknownst to me, I just added a target on my back. But all I wanted was to be like HER.