We’re all guilty of it, putting aside the things we love. Claiming we are too busy to stop and spend time doing the things we enjoy..those things called “hobbies”. They make us nervous on job applications, dating sites and enter our thoughts at night when we struggle to find out who we are, where we went and what we have become. These “things” that used to define us now plague us as we grow older. We reach for admiration from others in bringing up our children, decorating our homes and traveling to new countries.
No doubt in today’s society of corporate empires, government control and social media dominance this is understandable. Who could possibly know what they love, what fills their days, what enters their dreams without an onslaught of preconceived ideas coming at us like missiles in a Space Invaders game. Karen loves dogs, so she is must hate cats. Nick loves cats so he must be “different”. I used to garden, make my son’s baby food by using the herbs from said garden. I remember taking sandwiches to my husband’s band friends on a Sunday afternoon to hear them play Clapton and Phish rifts. But before I go down the “good ol days” rabbit hole, let’s focus on the topic. We forgot who we are without living it through someone we think we rather be.
Whether it’s our hobbies, the people we choose to call friends or the way we get dressed (or not at all in today’s work from home environment) we all have something we can list next to our name. I like to be clever with the beers, bikes and Battlestar Galtactica…an Office reference that no one ever gets. And that’s ok. Because that’s me. That’s who I am. I don’t say those things to attract anyone. I just really like to ride my bike all day, reward myself with a beer and think about Dwight Schrute because he makes me laugh.
The thing is we are attracting the wrong people all the time when we don’t even know what attracts us. If you can’t be yourself then you are going to attract those who like someone else. And at first you won’t notice because you’ll have this shiny new relationship that you can then use to attract more people by showing it off. But once we want to be real with this shiny new person, they don’t know what is happening because you were a lie from the beginning.
Take the time to get to know you. Who cares if others like it or not. If you like to plant beets, go plant beets. It’s not your hobby or even your looks that matter. Who are you when you fight? Do you turn into the Hulk? If so, maybe work on that before sharing a dating profile. Are you judgmental and selfish? Hey, guess what…we all can be. But if you find yourself constantly being put in defensive situations and are sensitive to critism, you may not be ready to go plant beets with someone.
At the end of the day, be yourself, but work on that. Work on the things you love about you, not what someone gives you 500 likes for. (I’m just clicking like 500 times). You are only going to attract those who think you are something you are not only to find yourself alone and heartbroken again and again once they realize you are only mirroring what everyone else is doing and you fall short when being asked to offer more of who you are. This will disappoint a lot of people that thought they signed up for a roll in the hay with a hot beet farmer.
Make a list of the the qualities you want in a partner or maybe it’s a list of qualities you already have in someone. Then read your list and be those things.
Love is not validation. And those behind the constant likes aren’t the ones sharing a family, bed or work space with you. It’s an empty gesture distracting you from putting in the work of those who are supporting and actually loving you enough to tell you when you’re being not so nice. In the long run, you may win the popularity contest but you will come up short each time in the self awareness one and in the end, you have to live with you, no one else is required to.
Dishes in the Sink 