My Path

The air is dry as I walk through January’s cold complacency. But the feeling I receive from the steps I take skipping down the steep slope feel light. I spot a glistening in the distance and begin to squint from the sun’s luminous ray. It won’t be long before I get to where I am going although I am uncertain of where that is. Excitement tingles through my veins as I approach the water’s edge. Pleasantly surprised I see the grass is greener and I remove the heavy layer that’s become my armor for the season. It feels like summer as I lean into the first tree I come to. I’m alone in the meadow, like a character in a book I have entered another chapter. This is not where I was just an hour ago. Nothing in my presence is cold, dark or straining on my eyes. I don’t need glasses nor a pen to take notes. Where I stand now requires nothing of me, asks nothing of me. I close my eyes so I may only feel the warmth, but soon open them again to catch how it illuminates the flowing creek in front of me.

This is where I go when the world has become stale. When people have become too loud extinguishing my thoughts. It’s nature’s meditation. It needs nothing but what it offers. Living harmoniously feeding from the life it provides and I get to be a part of it. No one can take away the peace I feel when I walk into nature. Here I am at home with no judgement or constant need for my attention.

A walk in nature preserves the soul, keeps us young and reminds us who we are. Human. None of us are exempt from this label. The only separation between me and you is our thoughts. The flesh suit we carry each day may come in unique shapes and sizes, but it remains to be the same. Our touch with nature is our commonality. The closer we are to it, the closer we become to each other. Sharing the same paths as our footprint proves we were there. How many times will we step in them today, tomorrow or next year? When we are here we are whole and we begin to see things for what they are. My mind is clear until I begin steady up the steep slope preparing me for any uphill battles that await. Training me for those challenges in the shelter of my car, the noise of my phone or the walls of my work. Its cycle remains steady providing me with the reassurance I need when my mind isn’t so kind to my heart. A walk in nature is always just a few steps away. Nothing else comes close.

My Hobbies Are

We’re all guilty of it, putting aside the things we love. Claiming we are too busy to stop and spend time doing the things we enjoy..those things called “hobbies”. They make us nervous on job applications, dating sites and enter our thoughts at night when we struggle to find out who we are, where we went and what we have become. These “things” that used to define us now plague us as we grow older. We reach for admiration from others in bringing up our children, decorating our homes and traveling to new countries.

No doubt in today’s society of corporate empires, government control and social media dominance this is understandable. Who could possibly know what they love, what fills their days, what enters their dreams without an onslaught of preconceived ideas coming at us like missiles in a Space Invaders game. Karen loves dogs, so she is must hate cats. Nick loves cats so he must be “different”. I used to garden, make my son’s baby food by using the herbs from said garden. I remember taking sandwiches to my husband’s band friends on a Sunday afternoon to hear them play Clapton and Phish rifts. But before I go down the “good ol days” rabbit hole, let’s focus on the topic. We forgot who we are without living it through someone we think we rather be.

Whether it’s our hobbies, the people we choose to call friends or the way we get dressed (or not at all in today’s work from home environment) we all have something we can list next to our name. I like to be clever with the beers, bikes and Battlestar Galtactica…an Office reference that no one ever gets. And that’s ok. Because that’s me. That’s who I am. I don’t say those things to attract anyone. I just really like to ride my bike all day, reward myself with a beer and think about Dwight Schrute because he makes me laugh.

The thing is we are attracting the wrong people all the time when we don’t even know what attracts us. If you can’t be yourself then you are going to attract those who like someone else. And at first you won’t notice because you’ll have this shiny new relationship that you can then use to attract more people by showing it off. But once we want to be real with this shiny new person, they don’t know what is happening because you were a lie from the beginning.

Take the time to get to know you. Who cares if others like it or not. If you like to plant beets, go plant beets. It’s not your hobby or even your looks that matter. Who are you when you fight? Do you turn into the Hulk? If so, maybe work on that before sharing a dating profile. Are you judgmental and selfish? Hey, guess what…we all can be. But if you find yourself constantly being put in defensive situations and are sensitive to critism, you may not be ready to go plant beets with someone.

At the end of the day, be yourself, but work on that. Work on the things you love about you, not what someone gives you 500 likes for. (I’m just clicking like 500 times). You are only going to attract those who think you are something you are not only to find yourself alone and heartbroken again and again once they realize you are only mirroring what everyone else is doing and you fall short when being asked to offer more of who you are. This will disappoint a lot of people that thought they signed up for a roll in the hay with a hot beet farmer.

Make a list of the the qualities you want in a partner or maybe it’s a list of qualities you already have in someone. Then read your list and be those things.

Love is not validation. And those behind the constant likes aren’t the ones sharing a family, bed or work space with you. It’s an empty gesture distracting you from putting in the work of those who are supporting and actually loving you enough to tell you when you’re being not so nice. In the long run, you may win the popularity contest but you will come up short each time in the self awareness one and in the end, you have to live with you, no one else is required to.

Be Your Valentine

It’s been some time since I’ve seen the sun. The smile on my face tells another story. Although the afternoon fills the room with grey, cool melancholy. I feel the warmth of the sun every time I see his face. In my mind, it warms my heart, but when he is with me, it warms my soul. To love someone is all things. The shiny, happy people that exist also do so in the dullness of the passing moments. As we sit together, very much apart he knows he is loved. The existence of it is precious, but not weak. Love is strong and doesn’t fall out of. Once you love, that is it. You have it to give, and you are able to receive. In this instance the love is for my son who doesn’t need a definition. He just knows he feels safe when he is with me. The feeling is not questioned, even in times of frustration. And we wake each day knowing we will always have each other. Nothing else in this world is as matter of fact and given as the act of Love.

We don’t own love nor do we own those we love. In fact love is allowing it to be what it wants. Love isn’t controlled, manipulated or demanded. And the only way to love is through your own. We can only love what we love of ourselves. The beauty of the world can only be seen through the eyes of those who believe there is beauty to be seen. And the only way to believe is to believe in yourself. This isn’t through ego or validation. Both are the opposite of love and will continue our society down a path of hate, anger and self righteousness. As long as everyone is agreeing with us or applauding everything we do, we will continue to confuse love with entitlement. It’s when we are brave enough to apologize, forgive and see that others can do the same when we break these destructive patterns.

When we choose to love ourselves, we choose to accept our flaws and to share our confidence. Accepting is not pushing these flaws on to others, but to understand they are there and feel empathy when they impact those around us. They are like the strokes of the brush that are never seen yet still make up the most magnificent art piece. They must exist in order for the beauty to come through the canvas. In times of struggle, we write sad songs; in times of weakness, we set goals for a better future; in times of anger, we look to ourselves to be more kind. It’s these moments that allow us to appreciate love. Heart ache exists because we love others who are also flawed. Heart break happens when we let ourselves down. Both are examples of why love doesn’t always feel good. What it does though is make us feel. It’s up to us what we do with those feelings. Take a deep breathe, remember you love who you are and go find out who that is.

Like the Weather

The beauty of the world doesn’t need your validation. And although it comes and goes with the whisp of the wind or looms over with its threatening sky; we are thankful for it. In every form, we love our world. We know that without it we cannot grow the food or wash away our wounds. We love talking about the weather and we do so in times of heat, drought or snow.

In these times, we may shout at it. Become frustrated with what it is or isn’t gifting us today. There may even be times it takes life from us. But again, we continue to love…our world. As we know it is not the fault of what it brings us. We love it because we are grateful for those glorious days where the sun fills us with joy and the rain feeds our crops.

It decides what it will provide us with today. And we are able to choose what we do with it. We can embrace it in all its magnificent swells, holding on until we finally let go and allow it to sweep us up to the sky where we look down to see what we’ve been missing all these years. The world isn’t always kind to us. It challenges us in ways that make us vulnerable. It’s up to us to embrace that vulnerability and be who we know we are.

We always have a choice. Will you sing in the rain or will you allow it to make you shiver? It doesn’t mind which you choose, it will still be here tomorrow, whether you love it or not.

The Top 10 Things I Learned Most About Dealing With a Life Change

If I’ve learned anything over the years riding constant waves of change; from divorce to losing a 20 year career and starting all over, it’s that change is inevitable. It’s how we choose to handle it that we will either continue our suffering or put a hault to it. I created this list right in the midst of the thick of it and….I wouldn’t change a thing.

#10
Stop Overthinking
You are wasting precious time
Overthinking will only lead to anxiety
Overthinking is NOT focus

#9
People are not mad at you
They are just jealous

#8 Let it the Fuck Go
Keep a routine, but stop stressing over details
The most successful and interesting people in this world didn’t get that way by keeping clean sinks and made beds

#7
Remember What IS Important
Refer to #8 for assistance

#6
Do It! Do It Now! Do It Yesterday! Chances are….you planned for this

#5
You Will Not Recognize Yourself
This is kinda the point….because you’ve CHANGED!

#4 Remember the Past All You Want as long as you don’t relive it

#3 Regrets are Stupid
You learned something…unless you’re stupid

#2 Stop Reading Other People’s Quotes and go write your own!

And the #1 thing I learned most about change is…
You Can Do It! But it Means You Have to Change.

Drifting

In a daze, the haze lifts upon the morning lake. Like glass the water feels smooth on my fingertips as they just touch the surface. They tingle with delight sensing the depth just inches below where the turtles dance. My body finds the strength to pull itself from my board to find myself a drift in the middle of the lake. The only life around me, the sounds of nature and a lone fisherman standing so still I don’t consider him there.

The push of my paddle stroking the water is intoxicating like a wet dream. A three dimensional moment as I peer into the lake and watch as the seaweed sways, look up to the sky as the egret takes flight and breathe deeply this life’s emotional wave.

When I’m here, I’m no where else. When I’m somewhere else, I’m here. When the world tries to swallow me whole, I run to the place I can drift. Where no one can catch me and my mind, body & soul belong to me. Here there is no need to scream or cry. No need to run. The turtles seek nothing other than sunlight. The fisherman cares are gone and my own are too. My mind seeks only what is right in front of me.

Schedules, deadlines and responsibility do not live on the lake. And when they live in the present and I feel so trapped I can’t breathe, my mind takes me to the silky, cool water that sends me only where it chooses to go. Without a sail, I am pulled away from land so I may breathe deeply again. This place I go, the natural world, with no preconceived notions or judgements. It embraces my soul when I’m feeling alone in the world. No longer on an island, this is where I am free, drifting into the water’s embrace.

Surviving the Apocalypse

What are you passionate about? It might be that beer you’re currently holding to wash away the day’s events. Maybe it’s something more, like hitting that spin class you’ve been talking about for too long. Can I tell you a secret? It doesn’t matter whether it’s the beer or the exercise, as long as you’re passionate about…something.

The long day that had your heart racing and your head pounding is passion enough to earn that beer. It’s how we spend our afternoons on phone calls, in gyms or classrooms. Yeah, for most of us it’s called a job, but I am well aware in this day that can mean many things to many people. Maybe you are folding knit sweaters that you can’t even imagine your grandmother wearing or walking down a tarmac to get to your company aircraft. One minute you’re slinging pizzas and the next you’re holding conventions to sell the world on your new technology.

We can be anything or anyone at anytime. Life is phases and we are all capable. The world is a sphere of harsh criticism beseeching you at every moment, reminding you that you are only worth the attention you receive in a crowded room or next post where you look like you might fall from a cliff. It’s not even the amount of money in your wallet. In fact, I’m finding more each day that actual money in its true form is not even cool anymore and not widely accepted. Which brings me to the idea I have been warning people of that some day we will all just be wearing that micro chip you now have in your debit card and wave so smugly in the electronic air. Pandemic temperature taking have already gotten us a custom to our foreheads being scanned upon entrance.

It’s coming, all of it. And you better be ready. If you aren’t flying into space in a rocket ship shaped like your ego as of now then you better have a plan. You can figure it out now or eventually, but the best way to survive is through your passion. It has to bring you joy, fear, love and strength, but let me break it to you. It won’t and doesn’t need to bring any of those things to anyone else. If you don’t feel it without approval then it’s not it. Go back and try again. Let go of your pre-conceived ideas and insecurities and just be happy. Serve ice cream to giggly toddlers, coach a football team. raise a child or maybe horses. Whatever your desire, go after it. Life is short and unpredictable. What everyone loves today, they loathe tomorrow. Don’t be a trend, but don’t be the trend setter either. Be yourself, do you remember who that is?

A Cloud in My Sky

I didn’t want to go outside and share in the beauty of the weather tonight.

I wanted to be exactly where I was. Sitting at the table next to all I have ever loved, crying about all the things I have been holding in.

Feeling the release of emotion was more than the breeze could have offered. Knowing the security of a kind heart was warmer than what the sun could shine.

Just as art can be beautiful, we don’t always wish to visit its museums. Beauty is in the moment and moments are not always beautiful. Sadness can be peaceful and calming such as a moonlit night. Emotions can paint a picture, better than that of a brush. The canvas a backdrop of what you are living today.

Step inside, enjoy the clouds and embrace the boredom. Life is too short to only count the moments that produce rainbows.