I never saw you coming, but somehow I knew you were always there. Watching over me, you see through the trees. You don’t ask how I spend my time, but you want to know. So you spend time, with me.
I’m intrigued taking opportunities to learn where you have come from, where you wish to go and with whom to do it all with. We become students in the subject of our lives. Together we create a slow burn with intention and mindfulness in the process. Afternoon leisure turns into evening retreats leading to morning rituals.
Our lives intertwine as we share habits, friends and family that begin to fill our branches providing the shade we will need when the burn becomes too hot. The branches support us when the wind blows too strong making our roots dig deeper with each nuance.
Together we weather the storms knowing its unpredictable nature will pass. Your confidence is your strength, mine is courage. We grow wise reminding each other the storms are there to bring us closer in their rage as this is where we find truth. And in that truth we learn to be our exact selves. Stripped of outside influences, comparisons or preconceived ideas passed down to us.
The air is dry as I walk through January’s cold complacency. But the feeling I receive from the steps I take skipping down the steep slope feel light. I spot a glistening in the distance and begin to squint from the sun’s luminous ray. It won’t be long before I get to where I am going although I am uncertain of where that is. Excitement tingles through my veins as I approach the water’s edge. Pleasantly surprised I see the grass is greener and I remove the heavy layer that’s become my armor for the season. It feels like summer as I lean into the first tree I come to. I’m alone in the meadow, like a character in a book I have entered another chapter. This is not where I was just an hour ago. Nothing in my presence is cold, dark or straining on my eyes. I don’t need glasses nor a pen to take notes. Where I stand now requires nothing of me, asks nothing of me. I close my eyes so I may only feel the warmth, but soon open them again to catch how it illuminates the flowing creek in front of me.
This is where I go when the world has become stale. When people have become too loud extinguishing my thoughts. It’s nature’s meditation. It needs nothing but what it offers. Living harmoniously feeding from the life it provides and I get to be a part of it. No one can take away the peace I feel when I walk into nature. Here I am at home with no judgement or constant need for my attention.
A walk in nature preserves the soul, keeps us young and reminds us who we are. Human. None of us are exempt from this label. The only separation between me and you is our thoughts. The flesh suit we carry each day may come in unique shapes and sizes, but it remains to be the same. Our touch with nature is our commonality. The closer we are to it, the closer we become to each other. Sharing the same paths as our footprint proves we were there. How many times will we step in them today, tomorrow or next year? When we are here we are whole and we begin to see things for what they are. My mind is clear until I begin steady up the steep slope preparing me for any uphill battles that await. Training me for those challenges in the shelter of my car, the noise of my phone or the walls of my work. Its cycle remains steady providing me with the reassurance I need when my mind isn’t so kind to my heart. A walk in nature is always just a few steps away. Nothing else comes close.
We’re all guilty of it, putting aside the things we love. Claiming we are too busy to stop and spend time doing the things we enjoy..those things called “hobbies”. They make us nervous on job applications, dating sites and enter our thoughts at night when we struggle to find out who we are, where we went and what we have become. These “things” that used to define us now plague us as we grow older. We reach for admiration from others in bringing up our children, decorating our homes and traveling to new countries.
No doubt in today’s society of corporate empires, government control and social media dominance this is understandable. Who could possibly know what they love, what fills their days, what enters their dreams without an onslaught of preconceived ideas coming at us like missiles in a Space Invaders game. Karen loves dogs, so she is must hate cats. Nick loves cats so he must be “different”. I used to garden, make my son’s baby food by using the herbs from said garden. I remember taking sandwiches to my husband’s band friends on a Sunday afternoon to hear them play Clapton and Phish rifts. But before I go down the “good ol days” rabbit hole, let’s focus on the topic. We forgot who we are without living it through someone we think we rather be.
Whether it’s our hobbies, the people we choose to call friends or the way we get dressed (or not at all in today’s work from home environment) we all have something we can list next to our name. I like to be clever with the beers, bikes and Battlestar Galtactica…an Office reference that no one ever gets. And that’s ok. Because that’s me. That’s who I am. I don’t say those things to attract anyone. I just really like to ride my bike all day, reward myself with a beer and think about Dwight Schrute because he makes me laugh.
The thing is we are attracting the wrong people all the time when we don’t even know what attracts us. If you can’t be yourself then you are going to attract those who like someone else. And at first you won’t notice because you’ll have this shiny new relationship that you can then use to attract more people by showing it off. But once we want to be real with this shiny new person, they don’t know what is happening because you were a lie from the beginning.
Take the time to get to know you. Who cares if others like it or not. If you like to plant beets, go plant beets. It’s not your hobby or even your looks that matter. Who are you when you fight? Do you turn into the Hulk? If so, maybe work on that before sharing a dating profile. Are you judgmental and selfish? Hey, guess what…we all can be. But if you find yourself constantly being put in defensive situations and are sensitive to critism, you may not be ready to go plant beets with someone.
At the end of the day, be yourself, but work on that. Work on the things you love about you, not what someone gives you 500 likes for. (I’m just clicking like 500 times). You are only going to attract those who think you are something you are not only to find yourself alone and heartbroken again and again once they realize you are only mirroring what everyone else is doing and you fall short when being asked to offer more of who you are. This will disappoint a lot of people that thought they signed up for a roll in the hay with a hot beet farmer.
Make a list of the the qualities you want in a partner or maybe it’s a list of qualities you already have in someone. Then read your list and be those things.
Love is not validation. And those behind the constant likes aren’t the ones sharing a family, bed or work space with you. It’s an empty gesture distracting you from putting in the work of those who are supporting and actually loving you enough to tell you when you’re being not so nice. In the long run, you may win the popularity contest but you will come up short each time in the self awareness one and in the end, you have to live with you, no one else is required to.
It’s been some time since I’ve seen the sun. The smile on my face tells another story. Although the afternoon fills the room with grey, cool melancholy. I feel the warmth of the sun every time I see his face. In my mind, it warms my heart, but when he is with me, it warms my soul. To love someone is all things. The shiny, happy people that exist also do so in the dullness of the passing moments. As we sit together, very much apart he knows he is loved. The existence of it is precious, but not weak. Love is strong and doesn’t fall out of. Once you love, that is it. You have it to give, and you are able to receive. In this instance the love is for my son who doesn’t need a definition. He just knows he feels safe when he is with me. The feeling is not questioned, even in times of frustration. And we wake each day knowing we will always have each other. Nothing else in this world is as matter of fact and given as the act of Love.
We don’t own love nor do we own those we love. In fact love is allowing it to be what it wants. Love isn’t controlled, manipulated or demanded. And the only way to love is through your own. We can only love what we love of ourselves. The beauty of the world can only be seen through the eyes of those who believe there is beauty to be seen. And the only way to believe is to believe in yourself. This isn’t through ego or validation. Both are the opposite of love and will continue our society down a path of hate, anger and self righteousness. As long as everyone is agreeing with us or applauding everything we do, we will continue to confuse love with entitlement. It’s when we are brave enough to apologize, forgive and see that others can do the same when we break these destructive patterns.
When we choose to love ourselves, we choose to accept our flaws and to share our confidence. Accepting is not pushing these flaws on to others, but to understand they are there and feel empathy when they impact those around us. They are like the strokes of the brush that are never seen yet still make up the most magnificent art piece. They must exist in order for the beauty to come through the canvas. In times of struggle, we write sad songs; in times of weakness, we set goals for a better future; in times of anger, we look to ourselves to be more kind. It’s these moments that allow us to appreciate love. Heart ache exists because we love others who are also flawed. Heart break happens when we let ourselves down. Both are examples of why love doesn’t always feel good. What it does though is make us feel. It’s up to us what we do with those feelings. Take a deep breathe, remember you love who you are and go find out who that is.
The beauty of the world doesn’t need your validation. And although it comes and goes with the whisp of the wind or looms over with its threatening sky; we are thankful for it. In every form, we love our world. We know that without it we cannot grow the food or wash away our wounds. We love talking about the weather and we do so in times of heat, drought or snow.
In these times, we may shout at it. Become frustrated with what it is or isn’t gifting us today. There may even be times it takes life from us. But again, we continue to love…our world. As we know it is not the fault of what it brings us. We love it because we are grateful for those glorious days where the sun fills us with joy and the rain feeds our crops.
It decides what it will provide us with today. And we are able to choose what we do with it. We can embrace it in all its magnificent swells, holding on until we finally let go and allow it to sweep us up to the sky where we look down to see what we’ve been missing all these years. The world isn’t always kind to us. It challenges us in ways that make us vulnerable. It’s up to us to embrace that vulnerability and be who we know we are.
We always have a choice. Will you sing in the rain or will you allow it to make you shiver? It doesn’t mind which you choose, it will still be here tomorrow, whether you love it or not.
You can look for it all your life. And there were times you thought you had found it. IT is always there. Sure there may be days, months and even years that pass where you are free to be completely in love with your time, your life….you. They say that’s the healthiest way to find IT, to be sure you have IT first. But even during these times, IT is in the back of your mind, sometimes you may find it as your pillow or in a song. Lots of times it comes as the bottom of a bottle of red.
IT makes you cry, laugh and question your existence. If you don’t have IT is there something wrong with you? I know there have been times I certainly have felt that way. But then I realized I do have IT. I met this tiny person 11 years ago that I helped to grow. I mean IT was just given to me, a gift! How did I deserve this? I have never felt this way before. IT came in the form of my son and IT didn’t take anything at all. IT came the minute I knew he was a part of me. Then he became US and we were intertwined. I took care of US, I spent time with US, I thought about OUR future and he was always on my mind.
How could this be? So easy, there was no doubt this was IT. And when he was in my arms for the first time I knew exactly what IT was and haven’t questioned IT since. IT was of course, LOVE. I’m convinced my son and I are soul mates. We know what each other are feeling more than we do ourselves. We talk about what our past lives were like and what our future lives might be like. We are very serious, funny and crazy. We are never just a little bit of anything, we are always a whole lot of everything. And usually way too much for anyone else.
I can’t imagine life without him so much so that I just don’t ever. He taught me what IT was. IT is unconditional. I know what that means now too! And it dawned on me that until he arrived, I had never had anyone feel IT for me. But now I do. And suddenly my life became more precious. I want to be a better person. He makes me believe that I am capable of doing so. I question anyone or anything that doesn’t have our best interest at heart and take it head on like some kind of woman warrior. The strength he has given me to fight systems that don’t allow him to fit in, to stand up to people that don’t accept us for who we are or cross our boundaries is more than I could have ever known. I spent most of my life playing victim to people that didn’t want the best for me until he came to be.
It’s truly amazing what IT can do for you. It’s a healing power, providing confidence that you may not have without IT. It’s not even something you need to do anything for. When you have IT you just want the best for this person. IT comes naturally and providing comfort, support and empathy are like little rewards for being human.
I hope that everyone has IT. Some way, some how; in a sister, a friend, a lover….a son. IT will save your life. And once you have IT, telling you to hold on to IT is pointless because you will already know that. You will never take IT for granted. Negative feelings will become conversations that needed to happen. IT will open your eyes to new ideas or make you reach inside to find who you really are and ask you what you really want.
Now that I know what IT is I am open to find even more of IT. IT pays itself forward and allows you to find others that are also looking for IT. In all the years of absence, I never realized how much it was making my heart grow fonder.
Dolphins crest the horizon while the sun turns water into crystal ripples. A beyond middle aged dude reminiscent of Sammy Hagar sits in his sand chair playing tunes from Springsteen to Boston on his throwback radio. The breeze remains steady keeping the sun from burning my cheeks. Covered in salt, allowing the waves to crash into me, fills my soul with energy. Just as far as the eye can see the tides roll tirelessly into the beach bringing surprising treasures to passing goers and little toes brave enough to stand until the water slips away in its brief moment.
As I stroll my way through the village shops, conversations with business owners selling handmade soaps or crafted jewelry and gifts that you don’t question paying whatever price because you know exactly where it came from and whom is benefiting, are simple yet intriguing. Getting a glimpse into the life of a small seaside town resident beckons me to want to stay longer than just a visit. Images of early morning sunrise and eager boat rides to score the catch of the day come to mind as the soap maker talks of the fresh tuna dinner he will be preparing with friends that night.
Wind whispers in my ear and my ponytail waves gently like the kites staked in the sand. I cycle my legs never tiring over flat terrain through ponds filled with cattails, the only landmark from miles away, a lookout tower providing the reminder that days like this were not always filled with peace. Miles stretch along the coast line as the pavement below moves below my feet blurred by speed.
There is nothing like dipping your toes in the tide at days end when all else has left to amuse in the delights of the boardwalk and avenues of shops. I am here in this moment as the waves provide music to my ears all I can think about is what lies in front of me. The sky turns pink reminiscent of Bermudian sand against a backdrop of turquoise so deep you almost think you are standing under the ocean. The evening is upon me and the air begins to cool. This is my drug of choice. There is no anxiety, stress or sadness here. My mind is clear and sharp, my body relaxed and sun kissed. It is an addiction that will bring me back for an abundance of reasons. Waves and sun providing excitement in the summer while beach grass lined trails inspire in the fall.
Sometimes it’s a place that fills our voids of broken hearts or worried minds. You won’t find it in your wallet or on your iPhone, but if you are open to exploration I assure you no matter where you go, you suddenly feel like nothing else matters. And isn’t that how it should be, living to feel over living for things. Go to the town filled with sand, touch the sky, listen to the music of the ocean, see the crystals dance in the water and feel it all. Just remember to take a little home with you each time to fill your day dreams from the sand in the little town.
What are you passionate about? It might be that beer you’re currently holding to wash away the day’s events. Maybe it’s something more, like hitting that spin class you’ve been talking about for too long. Can I tell you a secret? It doesn’t matter whether it’s the beer or the exercise, as long as you’re passionate about…something.
The long day that had your heart racing and your head pounding is passion enough to earn that beer. It’s how we spend our afternoons on phone calls, in gyms or classrooms. Yeah, for most of us it’s called a job, but I am well aware in this day that can mean many things to many people. Maybe you are folding knit sweaters that you can’t even imagine your grandmother wearing or walking down a tarmac to get to your company aircraft. One minute you’re slinging pizzas and the next you’re holding conventions to sell the world on your new technology.
We can be anything or anyone at anytime. Life is phases and we are all capable. The world is a sphere of harsh criticism beseeching you at every moment, reminding you that you are only worth the attention you receive in a crowded room or next post where you look like you might fall from a cliff. It’s not even the amount of money in your wallet. In fact, I’m finding more each day that actual money in its true form is not even cool anymore and not widely accepted. Which brings me to the idea I have been warning people of that some day we will all just be wearing that micro chip you now have in your debit card and wave so smugly in the electronic air. Pandemic temperature taking have already gotten us a custom to our foreheads being scanned upon entrance.
It’s coming, all of it. And you better be ready. If you aren’t flying into space in a rocket ship shaped like your ego as of now then you better have a plan. You can figure it out now or eventually, but the best way to survive is through your passion. It has to bring you joy, fear, love and strength, but let me break it to you. It won’t and doesn’t need to bring any of those things to anyone else. If you don’t feel it without approval then it’s not it. Go back and try again. Let go of your pre-conceived ideas and insecurities and just be happy. Serve ice cream to giggly toddlers, coach a football team. raise a child or maybe horses. Whatever your desire, go after it. Life is short and unpredictable. What everyone loves today, they loathe tomorrow. Don’t be a trend, but don’t be the trend setter either. Be yourself, do you remember who that is?
Broken hearts don’t always come from one lost love. Nor a hundred of them. For a heart to be broken more than once, it must have been mended many times. Is it better to have loved and lost? Is there a maximum number of times this can happen and is it only for the emotionally stable?
Well, I presume I don’t know the answer, but I can tell you from experience, even just one is unforgettable. Just as a song can play in your head, so can another human. You feel such a connection there are times it plays on repeat. And then there are the times when you go about your day. You forget, but then night falls and your head hits the pillow wishing it was another heart beating next to yours.
You listen to the song as though it’s not really there. You hear it, but you’re trying not to. Then it ends and you think you should play it again. You weren’t quite listening so this is a natural act of course. The second time you hear it, the notes hit harder. Drawn in by the sound, you forget what is around you and now only focus on the noise filling the room with its melody.
It draws you in and you can’t get enough. Forgotten already is everything you cared about five minutes ago, last year or yesterday. And then it’s gone.
The white noise is there to comfort you, but it’s not the same. Everything you touch, see or hear is passing of the days. The feeling of that song still remains in your heart, but you can no longer feel it in it’s form.
Dishes in the Sink 