A Love Letter to my Future

I never saw you coming, but somehow I knew you were always there. Watching over me, you see through the trees. You don’t ask how I spend my time, but you want to know. So you spend time, with me.

I’m intrigued taking opportunities to learn where you have come from, where you wish to go and with whom to do it all with. We become students in the subject of our lives. Together we create a slow burn with intention and mindfulness in the process.
Afternoon leisure turns into evening retreats leading to morning rituals.

Our lives intertwine as we share habits, friends and family that begin to fill our branches providing the shade we will need when the burn becomes too hot. The branches support us when the wind blows too strong making our roots dig deeper with each nuance.

Together we weather the storms knowing its unpredictable nature will pass. Your confidence is your strength, mine is courage. We grow wise reminding each other the storms are there to bring us closer in their rage as this is where we find truth. And in that truth we learn to be our exact selves. Stripped of outside influences, comparisons or preconceived ideas passed down to us.

This is my Love story.

My Path

The air is dry as I walk through January’s cold complacency. But the feeling I receive from the steps I take skipping down the steep slope feel light. I spot a glistening in the distance and begin to squint from the sun’s luminous ray. It won’t be long before I get to where I am going although I am uncertain of where that is. Excitement tingles through my veins as I approach the water’s edge. Pleasantly surprised I see the grass is greener and I remove the heavy layer that’s become my armor for the season. It feels like summer as I lean into the first tree I come to. I’m alone in the meadow, like a character in a book I have entered another chapter. This is not where I was just an hour ago. Nothing in my presence is cold, dark or straining on my eyes. I don’t need glasses nor a pen to take notes. Where I stand now requires nothing of me, asks nothing of me. I close my eyes so I may only feel the warmth, but soon open them again to catch how it illuminates the flowing creek in front of me.

This is where I go when the world has become stale. When people have become too loud extinguishing my thoughts. It’s nature’s meditation. It needs nothing but what it offers. Living harmoniously feeding from the life it provides and I get to be a part of it. No one can take away the peace I feel when I walk into nature. Here I am at home with no judgement or constant need for my attention.

A walk in nature preserves the soul, keeps us young and reminds us who we are. Human. None of us are exempt from this label. The only separation between me and you is our thoughts. The flesh suit we carry each day may come in unique shapes and sizes, but it remains to be the same. Our touch with nature is our commonality. The closer we are to it, the closer we become to each other. Sharing the same paths as our footprint proves we were there. How many times will we step in them today, tomorrow or next year? When we are here we are whole and we begin to see things for what they are. My mind is clear until I begin steady up the steep slope preparing me for any uphill battles that await. Training me for those challenges in the shelter of my car, the noise of my phone or the walls of my work. Its cycle remains steady providing me with the reassurance I need when my mind isn’t so kind to my heart. A walk in nature is always just a few steps away. Nothing else comes close.

Like the Weather

The beauty of the world doesn’t need your validation. And although it comes and goes with the whisp of the wind or looms over with its threatening sky; we are thankful for it. In every form, we love our world. We know that without it we cannot grow the food or wash away our wounds. We love talking about the weather and we do so in times of heat, drought or snow.

In these times, we may shout at it. Become frustrated with what it is or isn’t gifting us today. There may even be times it takes life from us. But again, we continue to love…our world. As we know it is not the fault of what it brings us. We love it because we are grateful for those glorious days where the sun fills us with joy and the rain feeds our crops.

It decides what it will provide us with today. And we are able to choose what we do with it. We can embrace it in all its magnificent swells, holding on until we finally let go and allow it to sweep us up to the sky where we look down to see what we’ve been missing all these years. The world isn’t always kind to us. It challenges us in ways that make us vulnerable. It’s up to us to embrace that vulnerability and be who we know we are.

We always have a choice. Will you sing in the rain or will you allow it to make you shiver? It doesn’t mind which you choose, it will still be here tomorrow, whether you love it or not.

The Absence that made the Heart Grow Fonder

You can look for it all your life. And there were times you thought you had found it. IT is always there. Sure there may be days, months and even years that pass where you are free to be completely in love with your time, your life….you. They say that’s the healthiest way to find IT, to be sure you have IT first. But even during these times, IT is in the back of your mind, sometimes you may find it as your pillow or in a song. Lots of times it comes as the bottom of a bottle of red.

IT makes you cry, laugh and question your existence. If you don’t have IT is there something wrong with you? I know there have been times I certainly have felt that way. But then I realized I do have IT. I met this tiny person 11 years ago that I helped to grow. I mean IT was just given to me, a gift! How did I deserve this? I have never felt this way before. IT came in the form of my son and IT didn’t take anything at all. IT came the minute I knew he was a part of me. Then he became US and we were intertwined. I took care of US, I spent time with US, I thought about OUR future and he was always on my mind.

How could this be? So easy, there was no doubt this was IT. And when he was in my arms for the first time I knew exactly what IT was and haven’t questioned IT since. IT was of course, LOVE. I’m convinced my son and I are soul mates. We know what each other are feeling more than we do ourselves. We talk about what our past lives were like and what our future lives might be like. We are very serious, funny and crazy. We are never just a little bit of anything, we are always a whole lot of everything. And usually way too much for anyone else.

I can’t imagine life without him so much so that I just don’t ever. He taught me what IT was. IT is unconditional. I know what that means now too! And it dawned on me that until he arrived, I had never had anyone feel IT for me. But now I do. And suddenly my life became more precious. I want to be a better person. He makes me believe that I am capable of doing so. I question anyone or anything that doesn’t have our best interest at heart and take it head on like some kind of woman warrior. The strength he has given me to fight systems that don’t allow him to fit in, to stand up to people that don’t accept us for who we are or cross our boundaries is more than I could have ever known. I spent most of my life playing victim to people that didn’t want the best for me until he came to be.

It’s truly amazing what IT can do for you. It’s a healing power, providing confidence that you may not have without IT. It’s not even something you need to do anything for. When you have IT you just want the best for this person. IT comes naturally and providing comfort, support and empathy are like little rewards for being human.

I hope that everyone has IT. Some way, some how; in a sister, a friend, a lover….a son. IT will save your life. And once you have IT, telling you to hold on to IT is pointless because you will already know that. You will never take IT for granted. Negative feelings will become conversations that needed to happen. IT will open your eyes to new ideas or make you reach inside to find who you really are and ask you what you really want.

Now that I know what IT is I am open to find even more of IT. IT pays itself forward and allows you to find others that are also looking for IT. In all the years of absence, I never realized how much it was making my heart grow fonder.

A Cloud in My Sky

I didn’t want to go outside and share in the beauty of the weather tonight.

I wanted to be exactly where I was. Sitting at the table next to all I have ever loved, crying about all the things I have been holding in.

Feeling the release of emotion was more than the breeze could have offered. Knowing the security of a kind heart was warmer than what the sun could shine.

Just as art can be beautiful, we don’t always wish to visit its museums. Beauty is in the moment and moments are not always beautiful. Sadness can be peaceful and calming such as a moonlit night. Emotions can paint a picture, better than that of a brush. The canvas a backdrop of what you are living today.

Step inside, enjoy the clouds and embrace the boredom. Life is too short to only count the moments that produce rainbows.

The Change Gang

The sound of the train in the morning reminds me that I am here. Its unforgiving whistle permeates through my bedroom walls leaving me vulnerable as I lie awake waiting for the comfort of silence. As the train moves on, so does the sound echoing now in the distance. The faint whistle is now a reminder that this too shall pass.

We are living in a constant state of change. Some of us choose to ignore it, although it is still around us, living in complacency or what I like to call fear. The train may come and go, but each time it passes it reminds us that it’s here giving us a wake up call. Whether we choose to wake up is up to us.

And for those of us that board the train, although we know the destination, we don’t always understand the journey. We take on the unknown head on and grasp it with both hands, bare knuckles to the wheel. It takes bravery to step foot on this ride and go against what we know as comfortable, but if we never board, we will never know. Turnpike

So many of us find happiness in our misery. Comfort in complaining. The risks we take in finding new friends, leaving family for careers, moving out on our own; whatever your ticket may hold may not always find you where you thought you were going. But rest assured if you are moving forward to the sound of the train, you may find comfort in the journey. It’s the change that drives us and if you find yourself adaptable, you will find yourself happy.

If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, then it’s the light you are shining. The light does not shine for us just because we have made it through. There are times you feel as though you have made the journey and the light isn’t there. You will know when you’ve found it, but it may not always shine so bright as expected. This is how you know your journey is not over and you are not where you need to be. Enjoy the ride anyway with it’s bumps and bruises, because remember, we are the one’s that purchased the ticket.

Marriage Advice from a Single Mom

So I was doing what I do best when I’m home for some time (longer than 2 hours) working on several tasks, staying on top of my priorities while remembering several other things I’ve been wanting to do. So after putting my son to bed, while cutting strawberries and cleaning up the remains of dinner, in typical Dana fashion I decided to rummage through some old boxes. Upon opening one I found several concert tickets, beer stickers and old cards from lost loves. But folded up in a crisp white sheet of perfect resume paper I had found a note to myself not quite 10 years into marriage. Before I even laid eyes on the first word I assumed that it would be nothing more than an angry typed rant, but as I read I couldn’t help but to relate to my 30 year old self. This brief paragraph takes my hope for what I thought I was doing right for someone into realizing it’s exactly what we should all be doing for each other. There is no “marriage advice” or “relationship goals” in life. It simply treating others the way you wish to be. It’s unfortunate that many of us treat our families worse than our co-workers or those that serve our lunch or pour our beers. We are a society of taker for granters. But those that are grateful; these are the happy, the content, the romantic after 40 years people. Those are my people, they are our true role models.

2/28/2007

I never think I’m “trying” or “doing my best” when I think of others I love. I believe those are things you say when you are doing something you hate to be doing. Like someone is over top of you, whip in hand while you row the boat. When you are doing something you love, it doesn’t involve trying at all. You don’t try to have a good time when you are in Disney World eating an ice cream cone with people that are happy all around you. You just do it. Because you are happy. Ok so maybe you don’t like Disneyworld, maybe sitting on your front porch with a glass of lemonade is a good time. There is nothing wrong with being happy with that. And when we are doing things for other people, we don’t say it either. Even if you really are just doing your best. When I try to learn of something that my husband likes, I don’t do it because I have to and I certainly don’t do it just to tell him that I’m “trying”. I do it because I’m selfish. I do it because a part of me wants to make a part of him happy. I want to know that a few of the reasons he smiles (very few) is because he is happy when he thinks of something I did for him. Maybe I bought pizzas at the store even after spending all day in the kitchen….cold, dead cardboard pizzas. But he forgets until one day he opens the freezer and is suddenly as happy as the youngest sibling that somehow got the last cookie. And that’s nice to know, that crappy pizza reminds him of me. You can’t constantly be asking someone if they are happy with you and how often. Life would be nothing more than a serious of Cosmo quizzes (do people still take those?). But instead recognize it when they smile while eating their lifeless pizza. Some things are small and some will take time. It’s really important to know the person you feel this way about respects you and wants good things for you too. If they don’t, you are pretty much living with someone that always just feels they are “doing their best”.

A Little Help From My Friends

When you’re a parent, you sacrifice.

When you’re a single parent, you struggle.

When you’re raising a child with autism, you dedicate.

When you are all of these things, you need help.

From the time my son was born, help began to diminish. From those you should have no doubts in, to those you gave everything to. But it happened. People I believed in and loved began dropping like flies. And soon it was just me and my son. And for awhile that was alright and we have grown to be better than most would think when you have nothing but dead flies around you.

But soon, you find that you can’t. And not like the “now come on Dana, you just preached to us about positivity in your last blog.” No really, you just can’t. No amount of reciting the Little Engine That Could is going to all of a sudden give me the ability to “can”. It’s like saying, hey, you’re strong, I bet if you put your mind to it you could lift that parked car over there. That is what my life is like. That is what many of you out there sharing the same enormous amount of responsibility, but doing it alone, that is what it is…..lifting a car over your head because we believed and stayed positive. Thanks but that’s not happening. This is real life, this is happening and despite my cute Facebook group name “Single Parent Superheroes”, we are not that. We are human and we cannot do this alone.

Some of you may not want to ask for help. And believe me, I get it. But if you can, then get over it, do it! That parked car is not going to lift itself and you have a child to save. Some may be where I’m at, just lacking the right amount of flies. But I will take what I can get. It’s not easy asking for help when you feel like you have been fighting a battle alone for so long. And you know that you can’t just except “conventional” help, because let’s face it, you are not conventional. I have learned that at 40, I have fewer flies (ok I’ll stop calling you that), people in my life than ever before, but I now choose wiser friends and I choose them wisely. They are too, non conventional. They may not know exactly what I’m going through, but they get that it’s not easy because they too are going through some messed up stuff.

So at the end of the day when you are finishing the essay you wrote to the teacher, trying to explain to them what you see in your autistic child at the moment so they can better understand. When you are picking up that child from school after a day of constant worry of what he may or may not be doing while simultaneously trying to earn a living that doesn’t pay the bills. While you lay your head on your pillow at night wondering if you will ever be enough to have someone to lay next to. While you walk up to that parked car and hope no one is looking when you actually try to pick it up…..ha gotcha. Well….at the end, just ask. Just see. There may be few, there may be none, but something is better than nothing and you really don’t need another broken back.

What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away?
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you’re on your own?
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends’
Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

“

You say it’s your birthday…

I am pretty sure today wasn’t much different than yesterday. And that it being Monday, the amount of work and rushing hasn’t changed from last Monday. But it sure feels different. Maybe it’s because today I have lived 14,965 of those days and they are beginning to add up. The stress is much greater, the emotions much harder to conceal. But isn’t all this supposed to be over? Aren’t the rush of emotions and heart pounding moments meant for adolescence? Certainly not to be expected in a mature 41 year old mom.

Most of us at this age say, “just another day you know”. But I honestly don’t believe that. I hear people around me chalking up birthdays as though they should be ashamed almost for having one. Like it’s not cool to want to celebrate your own birthday and even less cool to expect someone you love to do it for you. It’s also good for you to know that 9 times out of 10 these people have an abundance of family and don’t know what it’s like to go a day yet alone a week completely and utterly alone. Tell me then that you want to celebrate your birthday alone….again. Just like the other days that lead you up to this one. It goes without saying that we are a society of taker-for-granters and we do it best to those we “love”. We all say it, we treat our co-workers better than our spouses, our pets better than our children. It’s the way of our society.

So yes to you just another day sayers. I get you. You would love a day to yourself, alone. But how wonderful and enlightening to know that when you are finished basking in yourself on your day, there are people waiting to kiss you goodnight or mail you a card or place a phone call. Maybe I’m the one that’s cool, wanting to spend my day with those that have chosen to love me. To share my time with those that are for whatever reason as happy to see me live another day. So on this 41st birthday cheers to you! And actually no, today is not my birthday. That’s in three more days. I am just very hopeful I won’t be sitting in my pj’s typing a bunch of blah blah blahs to you guys.

Don’t Stop This Train

Hi I’m 40. How old are you? It seems to be the new thing. A club for every age. 40 is the new 20! No 50 is! But honestly people, the more you talk about your age, the older you appear to be. Just stop. If age really doesn’t matter then stop making it matter or do what I have chosen to do, just live.

That’s right, I’m living. Each day as it comes. I’ve been through enough change in a short period of time to now realize I am not in control and the only thing that matters is now. Now will decide your future. So do it, do it now! What is “it”? Well that’s up to you. For me it means treating my life as though I just got out of college. I was divorced about 4 years ago of a 16 year marriage. Took my son and moved to a life that I hadn’t know since my twenties. Bachlorette pad, budgets and well, struggles. I lost my job of 15 years right at the peak of my career due to a merger. Took a pay cut and soon found my son was being diagnosed of Aspergers. I’m sorry, ASD, on the spectrum. Whatever you want to call it is fine by me, but most people just refer to it as that kid on “Parenthood”. It’s ok, I’m cool with that. Max was a pretty cool dude and so is my son. But it has challenges. You soon learn to fight for everything you need. Education, assistance, anything that may come to me and my son as rewarding has all been fought for, but it’s ours and we own it.

So it goes. The hamster wheel. You wake, you work, you struggle, you hope to sleep and then you do it all over again. Or you can ask yourself what is it you really need? That’s what I did. I bet the answer is the same as yours, money and time. I need money to have more time, but I need time to make money. I know I can squeeze a bit out of each like blood from a turnip but I have to work smarter not harder. So there in lies my teenage dream of one day making it as a model and then possibly moving on to acting. I love to be in front of people, behind the camera. I am adaptable and strong. I have chosen to stay fit and healthy and did my best to take the high road in most situations over the years. And I bet many other of you 30, 40 or 50 somethings have too.

We are 40. And we are a different generation from our parents. We live longer. We eat better and take time to stay fit. We go to concerts and do cool stuff. We have our kids later in life and want to keep up with them. Many of us women are tired of the constant images of 14-18 year old “models” looking our part in high heels and glammed out makeup in advertisements to sell us 40 somethings a bra in which you probably need to take out a mortgage for. I say screw that. I want to see more of us moms, career women, even single dads all of you middle agers who are busting your butt and looking cool as shit doing it in the next Victorias Secret or Abercrombie ad (wait, are they still cool?) Anyway you get what I’m saying. We are adaptable and strong. We are beautiful and wise. But mostly we are REAL.

I have somehow managed to compile enough professional shots to begin networking and even accepting my first paid gig in just a month’s time with that turnip blood. And I have done so at the worst possible time while struggling. But they say that is when you find your passion, in the hardest of times. I haven’t mowed my lawn in two weeks, I have a zit on my nose and have very little experience, but off I go today to a photo shoot owning it. And I may fall. Actually I probably will because you try standing on one foot in 4 inch stilettos, but I will get back up and keep trying because well, what else am I going to do? And eventually I will make it. Not because I’m awesome, not because I have “a look”, but because I don’t give up when I want something. I don’t make excuses not to move on or try something new even though I have 1,000 of them. I’ve seen too many people in my life that are dead and buried before their hearts have stopped beating. How many of us say to our loved ones to please “pull the plug” if we are ever in a coma or can’t feel anymore? It’s no different when you choose to stop living for yourself. You might as well just pull the plug. It isn’t easy as we age, life isn’t fair, but if we keep pushing for what we really love and want we will find that it’s not how long you live that matters but how much living we do. Sobus,Dana-102-Confidene

So whatever your passion, stop telling yourself your age or your time or your money. If you want to go back to college or start a new career just remember that your success brings success to those around you. And 40 is not the new 20, you are old! But that doesn’t mean your dead. Live your best life no matter what age. We all know there are no guarantees for a tomorrow.