Category: Relationships

The Absence that made the Heart Grow Fonder

You can look for it all your life. And there were times you thought you had found it. IT is always there. Sure there may be days, months and even years that pass where you are free to be completely in love with your time, your life….you. They say that’s the healthiest way to find IT, to be sure you have IT first. But even during these times, IT is in the back of your mind, sometimes you may find it as your pillow or in a song. Lots of times it comes as the bottom of a bottle of red.

IT makes you cry, laugh and question your existence. If you don’t have IT is there something wrong with you? I know there have been times I certainly have felt that way. But then I realized I do have IT. I met this tiny person 11 years ago that I helped to grow. I mean IT was just given to me, a gift! How did I deserve this? I have never felt this way before. IT came in the form of my son and IT didn’t take anything at all. IT came the minute I knew he was a part of me. Then he became US and we were intertwined. I took care of US, I spent time with US, I thought about OUR future and he was always on my mind.

How could this be? So easy, there was no doubt this was IT. And when he was in my arms for the first time I knew exactly what IT was and haven’t questioned IT since. IT was of course, LOVE. I’m convinced my son and I are soul mates. We know what each other are feeling more than we do ourselves. We talk about what our past lives were like and what our future lives might be like. We are very serious, funny and crazy. We are never just a little bit of anything, we are always a whole lot of everything. And usually way too much for anyone else.

I can’t imagine life without him so much so that I just don’t ever. He taught me what IT was. IT is unconditional. I know what that means now too! And it dawned on me that until he arrived, I had never had anyone feel IT for me. But now I do. And suddenly my life became more precious. I want to be a better person. He makes me believe that I am capable of doing so. I question anyone or anything that doesn’t have our best interest at heart and take it head on like some kind of woman warrior. The strength he has given me to fight systems that don’t allow him to fit in, to stand up to people that don’t accept us for who we are or cross our boundaries is more than I could have ever known. I spent most of my life playing victim to people that didn’t want the best for me until he came to be.

It’s truly amazing what IT can do for you. It’s a healing power, providing confidence that you may not have without IT. It’s not even something you need to do anything for. When you have IT you just want the best for this person. IT comes naturally and providing comfort, support and empathy are like little rewards for being human.

I hope that everyone has IT. Some way, some how; in a sister, a friend, a lover….a son. IT will save your life. And once you have IT, telling you to hold on to IT is pointless because you will already know that. You will never take IT for granted. Negative feelings will become conversations that needed to happen. IT will open your eyes to new ideas or make you reach inside to find who you really are and ask you what you really want.

Now that I know what IT is I am open to find even more of IT. IT pays itself forward and allows you to find others that are also looking for IT. In all the years of absence, I never realized how much it was making my heart grow fonder.

Marriage Advice from a Single Mom

So I was doing what I do best when I’m home for some time (longer than 2 hours) working on several tasks, staying on top of my priorities while remembering several other things I’ve been wanting to do.  So after putting my son to bed, while cutting strawberries and cleaning up the remains of dinner, in typical Dana fashion I decided to rummage through some old boxes.  Upon opening one I found several concert tickets, beer stickers and old cards from lost loves.  But folded up in a crisp white sheet of perfect resume paper I had found a note to myself not quite 10 years into marriage. Before I even laid eyes on the first word I assumed that it would be nothing more than an angry typed rant, but as I read I couldn’t help but to relate to my 30 year old self.  This brief paragraph takes my hope for what I thought I was doing right for someone into realizing it’s exactly what we should all be doing for each other.  There is no “marriage advice” or “relationship goals” in life.  It simply treating others the way you wish to be.  It’s unfortunate that many of us treat our families worse than our co-workers or those that serve our lunch or pour our beers.  We are a society of taker for granters.  But those that are grateful; these are the happy, the content, the romantic after 40 years people.  Those are my people, they are our true role models.

2/28/2007

I never think I’m “trying” or “doing my best” when I think of  others I love. I believe those are things you say when you are doing something you hate to be doing.  Like someone is over top of you, whip in hand while you row the boat.  When you are doing something you love, it doesn’t involve trying at all.  You don’t try to have a good time when you are in Disney World eating an ice cream cone with people that are happy all around you.  You just do it.  Because you are happy.  Ok so maybe you don’t like Disneyworld, maybe sitting on your front porch with a glass of lemonade is a good time.  There is nothing wrong with being happy with that.  And when we are doing things for other people, we don’t say it either.  Even if you really are just doing your best.  When I try to learn of something that my husband likes, I don’t do it because I have to and I certainly don’t do it just to tell him that I’m “trying”.  I do it because I’m selfish.  I do it because a part of me wants to make a part of him happy.  I want to know that a few of the reasons he smiles (very few) is because he is happy when he thinks of something I did for him.  Maybe I bought pizzas at the store even after spending all day in the kitchen….cold, dead cardboard pizzas.  But he forgets until one day he opens the freezer and is suddenly as happy as the youngest sibling that somehow got the last cookie.  And that’s nice to know, that crappy pizza reminds him of me.  You can’t constantly be asking someone if they are happy with you and how often.  Life would be nothing more than a serious of Cosmo quizzes (do people still take those?).  But instead recognize  it when they smile while eating their lifeless pizza.  Some things are small and some will take time.  It’s really important to know the person you feel this way about respects you and wants good things for you too.  If they don’t, you are pretty much living with someone that always just feels they are “doing their best”.