The Top 10 Things I Learned Most About Dealing With a Life Change

If I’ve learned anything over the years riding constant waves of change; from divorce to losing a 20 year career and starting all over, it’s that change is inevitable. It’s how we choose to handle it that we will either continue our suffering or put a hault to it. I created this list right in the midst of the thick of it and….I wouldn’t change a thing.

#10
Stop Overthinking
You are wasting precious time
Overthinking will only lead to anxiety
Overthinking is NOT focus

#9
People are not mad at you
They are just jealous

#8 Let it the Fuck Go
Keep a routine, but stop stressing over details
The most successful and interesting people in this world didn’t get that way by keeping clean sinks and made beds

#7
Remember What IS Important
Refer to #8 for assistance

#6
Do It! Do It Now! Do It Yesterday! Chances are….you planned for this

#5
You Will Not Recognize Yourself
This is kinda the point….because you’ve CHANGED!

#4 Remember the Past All You Want as long as you don’t relive it

#3 Regrets are Stupid
You learned something…unless you’re stupid

#2 Stop Reading Other People’s Quotes and go write your own!

And the #1 thing I learned most about change is…
You Can Do It! But it Means You Have to Change.

Drifting

In a daze, the haze lifts upon the morning lake. Like glass the water feels smooth on my fingertips as they just touch the surface. They tingle with delight sensing the depth just inches below where the turtles dance. My body finds the strength to pull itself from my board to find myself a drift in the middle of the lake. The only life around me, the sounds of nature and a lone fisherman standing so still I don’t consider him there.

The push of my paddle stroking the water is intoxicating like a wet dream. A three dimensional moment as I peer into the lake and watch as the seaweed sways, look up to the sky as the egret takes flight and breathe deeply this life’s emotional wave.

When I’m here, I’m no where else. When I’m somewhere else, I’m here. When the world tries to swallow me whole, I run to the place I can drift. Where no one can catch me and my mind, body & soul belong to me. Here there is no need to scream or cry. No need to run. The turtles seek nothing other than sunlight. The fisherman cares are gone and my own are too. My mind seeks only what is right in front of me.

Schedules, deadlines and responsibility do not live on the lake. And when they live in the present and I feel so trapped I can’t breathe, my mind takes me to the silky, cool water that sends me only where it chooses to go. Without a sail, I am pulled away from land so I may breathe deeply again. This place I go, the natural world, with no preconceived notions or judgements. It embraces my soul when I’m feeling alone in the world. No longer on an island, this is where I am free, drifting into the water’s embrace.

The Absence that made the Heart Grow Fonder

You can look for it all your life. And there were times you thought you had found it. IT is always there. Sure there may be days, months and even years that pass where you are free to be completely in love with your time, your life….you. They say that’s the healthiest way to find IT, to be sure you have IT first. But even during these times, IT is in the back of your mind, sometimes you may find it as your pillow or in a song. Lots of times it comes as the bottom of a bottle of red.

IT makes you cry, laugh and question your existence. If you don’t have IT is there something wrong with you? I know there have been times I certainly have felt that way. But then I realized I do have IT. I met this tiny person 11 years ago that I helped to grow. I mean IT was just given to me, a gift! How did I deserve this? I have never felt this way before. IT came in the form of my son and IT didn’t take anything at all. IT came the minute I knew he was a part of me. Then he became US and we were intertwined. I took care of US, I spent time with US, I thought about OUR future and he was always on my mind.

How could this be? So easy, there was no doubt this was IT. And when he was in my arms for the first time I knew exactly what IT was and haven’t questioned IT since. IT was of course, LOVE. I’m convinced my son and I are soul mates. We know what each other are feeling more than we do ourselves. We talk about what our past lives were like and what our future lives might be like. We are very serious, funny and crazy. We are never just a little bit of anything, we are always a whole lot of everything. And usually way too much for anyone else.

I can’t imagine life without him so much so that I just don’t ever. He taught me what IT was. IT is unconditional. I know what that means now too! And it dawned on me that until he arrived, I had never had anyone feel IT for me. But now I do. And suddenly my life became more precious. I want to be a better person. He makes me believe that I am capable of doing so. I question anyone or anything that doesn’t have our best interest at heart and take it head on like some kind of woman warrior. The strength he has given me to fight systems that don’t allow him to fit in, to stand up to people that don’t accept us for who we are or cross our boundaries is more than I could have ever known. I spent most of my life playing victim to people that didn’t want the best for me until he came to be.

It’s truly amazing what IT can do for you. It’s a healing power, providing confidence that you may not have without IT. It’s not even something you need to do anything for. When you have IT you just want the best for this person. IT comes naturally and providing comfort, support and empathy are like little rewards for being human.

I hope that everyone has IT. Some way, some how; in a sister, a friend, a lover….a son. IT will save your life. And once you have IT, telling you to hold on to IT is pointless because you will already know that. You will never take IT for granted. Negative feelings will become conversations that needed to happen. IT will open your eyes to new ideas or make you reach inside to find who you really are and ask you what you really want.

Now that I know what IT is I am open to find even more of IT. IT pays itself forward and allows you to find others that are also looking for IT. In all the years of absence, I never realized how much it was making my heart grow fonder.

Surviving the Apocalypse

What are you passionate about? It might be that beer you’re currently holding to wash away the day’s events. Maybe it’s something more, like hitting that spin class you’ve been talking about for too long. Can I tell you a secret? It doesn’t matter whether it’s the beer or the exercise, as long as you’re passionate about…something.

The long day that had your heart racing and your head pounding is passion enough to earn that beer. It’s how we spend our afternoons on phone calls, in gyms or classrooms. Yeah, for most of us it’s called a job, but I am well aware in this day that can mean many things to many people. Maybe you are folding knit sweaters that you can’t even imagine your grandmother wearing or walking down a tarmac to get to your company aircraft. One minute you’re slinging pizzas and the next you’re holding conventions to sell the world on your new technology.

We can be anything or anyone at anytime. Life is phases and we are all capable. The world is a sphere of harsh criticism beseeching you at every moment, reminding you that you are only worth the attention you receive in a crowded room or next post where you look like you might fall from a cliff. It’s not even the amount of money in your wallet. In fact, I’m finding more each day that actual money in its true form is not even cool anymore and not widely accepted. Which brings me to the idea I have been warning people of that some day we will all just be wearing that micro chip you now have in your debit card and wave so smugly in the electronic air. Pandemic temperature taking have already gotten us a custom to our foreheads being scanned upon entrance.

It’s coming, all of it. And you better be ready. If you aren’t flying into space in a rocket ship shaped like your ego as of now then you better have a plan. You can figure it out now or eventually, but the best way to survive is through your passion. It has to bring you joy, fear, love and strength, but let me break it to you. It won’t and doesn’t need to bring any of those things to anyone else. If you don’t feel it without approval then it’s not it. Go back and try again. Let go of your pre-conceived ideas and insecurities and just be happy. Serve ice cream to giggly toddlers, coach a football team. raise a child or maybe horses. Whatever your desire, go after it. Life is short and unpredictable. What everyone loves today, they loathe tomorrow. Don’t be a trend, but don’t be the trend setter either. Be yourself, do you remember who that is?

Heartache

Broken hearts don’t always come from one lost love. Nor a hundred of them. For a heart to be broken more than once, it must have been mended many times. Is it better to have loved and lost? Is there a maximum number of times this can happen and is it only for the emotionally stable?

Well, I presume I don’t know the answer, but I can tell you from experience, even just one is unforgettable. Just as a song can play in your head, so can another human. You feel such a connection there are times it plays on repeat. And then there are the times when you go about your day. You forget, but then night falls and your head hits the pillow wishing it was another heart beating next to yours.

You listen to the song as though it’s not really there. You hear it, but you’re trying not to. Then it ends and you think you should play it again. You weren’t quite listening so this is a natural act of course. The second time you hear it, the notes hit harder. Drawn in by the sound, you forget what is around you and now only focus on the noise filling the room with its melody.

It draws you in and you can’t get enough. Forgotten already is everything you cared about five minutes ago, last year or yesterday. And then it’s gone.

The white noise is there to comfort you, but it’s not the same. Everything you touch, see or hear is passing of the days. The feeling of that song still remains in your heart, but you can no longer feel it in it’s form.

This is love. This is heart. This is ache.

And I will always choose the pain

A Cloud in My Sky

I didn’t want to go outside and share in the beauty of the weather tonight.

I wanted to be exactly where I was. Sitting at the table next to all I have ever loved, crying about all the things I have been holding in.

Feeling the release of emotion was more than the breeze could have offered. Knowing the security of a kind heart was warmer than what the sun could shine.

Just as art can be beautiful, we don’t always wish to visit its museums. Beauty is in the moment and moments are not always beautiful. Sadness can be peaceful and calming such as a moonlit night. Emotions can paint a picture, better than that of a brush. The canvas a backdrop of what you are living today.

Step inside, enjoy the clouds and embrace the boredom. Life is too short to only count the moments that produce rainbows.

Today Isn’t Yesterday

The sound of Spring is heard through the chirping birds on a chilly, damp night. It teases us filling our hopes with thoughts of hikes in the woods and rides on our bikes. But the chill in the air reminds us we rather stay home. We remember our last walk when the sun was kissing our cheeks and our feet felt light.

Today I woke knowing I would be responsible for many things, but tomorrow I will wake knowing I can go back to my bed. Freedom of time makes me smile and never came this easy before. No schedule or commitments to grasp my day I will delight in the ability to choose. And even though I have these thoughts, tomorrow is still not a given. Not really knowing what it can bring is half the fun. My son said to me tonight, “Mom, I wouldn’t want to know my future. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise.” I now know my son really does like surprises.

Some nights I have my dreams to ponder. Memories of sand in my hair, grapes upon my toes and kisses on my lips. Many mornings wakening to the sound of guitar and the smell of coffee. Weekend getaways, delighting on wine and delicious bites. Cobblestone streets under my feet while the sound of drums pound in my ears drawing me into the music playing no matter how dark the street may be. Sizzling steaks and records playing become an art form in my kitchen. These were the moments I will never forget and the hopes that there will be more to come.

A rainy day bringing the gift of a rainbow or a flat tire turning into a chance meeting. The crack in the sidewalk making way for a growing tree. Strength found in times of difficulty and weakness reminding you to be strong.

Today isn’t yesterday and tomorrow will be what you make it. Sleep well, life isn’t a period of time meant to be wasted waiting for what you think you want, but to be lived for each today, tomorrow and yesterday.

mexico

Times Like These

When you pick up that large grocery bag, or three or five because why not put one on each finger, it weighs you down. Maybe it even strains your shoulder a bit, but you trudge on. Or do you? You could pick up that gallon of milk in the other hand too, because let’s face it, you got this. What happens when you do? Suddenly the strain from the other shoulder begins to subside and you walk more upright. Sure it’s still a strain but now you are moving right along. Why is this? Because you are balanced.

No this isn’t a Science class, although funny how human behavior really is a Science. Life is a balance. And more so now than ever we need to understand just how to do that. In the example of the bags and the milk, you have a choice. And life is just that, a series of choices you get to make. Sure you could drop the bag in hopes someone else will get it or you could just grab one at a time making the trip to the kitchen more bearable, but obviously longer. Perhaps you could just carry the load as I had chosen, but no matter what you do, the choice is yours. There is no right or wrong answer. Some of us wish to think that the lazy way of dropping the bag for someone else would be wrong, but maybe you don’t realize that the person that made that choice did so in order to receive much needed relief from a medical condition or was dropping them to run after a family member getting ready to fall. The universe doesn’t judge. We see it all the time, or we think we do, the rich getting richer while those of us that work hard just seem to have to work harder. But is seeing believing? The truth is none of us know what someone else may be going through and in order to achieve balance, you really shouldn’t care. What happens when someone asks to take one of those bags off your fingers? I bet you shout no way, I got this! Why? Well we will drop all the other bags and lose balance! So point taken, it’s not for anyone else to provide us the balance we need in life. No amount of judging and blaming others is going to get you to where you need to be. No, balance takes self discipline. And once you achieve it, you won’t ever go back.

They say it takes a traumatic experience for someone to really change. And so here’s your chance! My life pre-COVID, was definitely one that needed more balance. Although I must say that for those who always wondered how I did it all, single parenting, working full time, home ownership; it was balance. And those times I found myself less than happy, well those were the times I dropped the bags. Not only dropped but in good ol’ Dana fashion, dropped and broke the glass milk jug all over the floor. So if I focused on that, the spilled milk per say, then unhappiness would creep in and put its firm grip around my life. But when I scream at the milk, clean it up and forget about it or hey, maybe learn from it; my happy place is left unscathed. The point is you’re going to have tough moments and some of those moments last months, years even, some only hours. But don’t let those times allow to take a hold of what you are living now. Look at how far you have come, who surrounds you and where you are going. Stay focused on the task, but don’t let it control your world. Our children are learning in a whole new way and we are doing our best. Be good to you and them, let go and learn to know your emotions. No one can do that for you. If you are in tune with yourself, you will know what sets you off and how much you can handle. Back off before things get to this point. Nothing is that important. Nothing is more important than you. Those around you cannot thrive and maintain a healthy balance if you are always negative because that would mean in order to maintain balance they would always need to be positive and after 16 years of marriage trying, I have found out that is not humanly possible, no matter how much you like to laugh.

Take advantage of this time no matter your situation to focus on yourself. It is not our jobs to juggle everyone around us. But, it’s when you achieve that balance that suddenly you can. “It’s Times Like These you learn to live again”.

Strength Lessons

Strength cannot be taught. It is something that one can only learn through their own experiences. Each one of us handles trauma in different ways. If I choose to be kind to my child I am showing him compassion. When I do things for him he is appreciative. Because in many instances he understands that I am not always able to help him in the way he wants me to. He understands the struggle that we carry being a single parent household. At nine years old he himself has been through his own trauma.

He knows that when the sink is running, for instance, I can’t hear him speak. And if he needs something that he must come to me and ask rather than me wait on him. He understands that he must open the door for me each and every night because he is not able to carry heavy loads as of yet. When he asks for a drink at bedtime it is always followed by an apology that he didn’t ask sooner and feels bad making me go back down the stairs. I always tell him that I certainly don’t mind because he is kind to me too and we help each other. And then sometimes I just tell him to go get it himself. The ability that my son and I have to be able to ask each other for help when needed is our strength. So when you see my child playing video games or me giving him his favorite cookie and being more than happy to pour him a glass of milk it is because it is well-deserved.

Some of us see others on social media as an example and may think “wow what a great life she must have, must be nice”. But strength lies in knowing how hard I worked to be in that moment. And at times it may only be treating myself to a glass of wine, maybe a night out for dinner, or just putting my feet up and watching a movie. Strength also comes from not having to defend or explain yourself to others. I know how far I’ve come and how hard I have faught. I have no desire to prove that to anyone else.

Strength is not how big of a wall you can build. It is not how hard you can hit or how little you cry. No, strength is kindness, compassion, love. Strength is patience, regard for others, and the ability to know when you yourself need to take a step back and give yourself all of the above. Don’t confuse strength with toughness. The latter will only leave you with an empty heart. It is true what they say strength comes from within. You cannot take a class in it, ask for it or borrow it. You must simply learn how to cope.

The happiest people I know are the most grateful. That’s a start.

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The Change Gang

The sound of the train in the morning reminds me that I am here. Its unforgiving whistle permeates through my bedroom walls leaving me vulnerable as I lie awake waiting for the comfort of silence. As the train moves on, so does the sound echoing now in the distance. The faint whistle is now a reminder that this too shall pass.

We are living in a constant state of change. Some of us choose to ignore it, although it is still around us, living in complacency or what I like to call fear. The train may come and go, but each time it passes it reminds us that it’s here giving us a wake up call. Whether we choose to wake up is up to us.

And for those of us that board the train, although we know the destination, we don’t always understand the journey. We take on the unknown head on and grasp it with both hands, bare knuckles to the wheel. It takes bravery to step foot on this ride and go against what we know as comfortable, but if we never board, we will never know. Turnpike

So many of us find happiness in our misery. Comfort in complaining. The risks we take in finding new friends, leaving family for careers, moving out on our own; whatever your ticket may hold may not always find you where you thought you were going. But rest assured if you are moving forward to the sound of the train, you may find comfort in the journey. It’s the change that drives us and if you find yourself adaptable, you will find yourself happy.

If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, then it’s the light you are shining. The light does not shine for us just because we have made it through. There are times you feel as though you have made the journey and the light isn’t there. You will know when you’ve found it, but it may not always shine so bright as expected. This is how you know your journey is not over and you are not where you need to be. Enjoy the ride anyway with it’s bumps and bruises, because remember, we are the one’s that purchased the ticket.