The Top 10 Things I Learned Most About Dealing With a Life Change

If I’ve learned anything over the years riding constant waves of change; from divorce to losing a 20 year career and starting all over, it’s that change is inevitable. It’s how we choose to handle it that we will either continue our suffering or put a hault to it. I created this list right in the midst of the thick of it and….I wouldn’t change a thing.

#10
Stop Overthinking
You are wasting precious time
Overthinking will only lead to anxiety
Overthinking is NOT focus

#9
People are not mad at you
They are just jealous

#8 Let it the Fuck Go
Keep a routine, but stop stressing over details
The most successful and interesting people in this world didn’t get that way by keeping clean sinks and made beds

#7
Remember What IS Important
Refer to #8 for assistance

#6
Do It! Do It Now! Do It Yesterday! Chances are….you planned for this

#5
You Will Not Recognize Yourself
This is kinda the point….because you’ve CHANGED!

#4 Remember the Past All You Want as long as you don’t relive it

#3 Regrets are Stupid
You learned something…unless you’re stupid

#2 Stop Reading Other People’s Quotes and go write your own!

And the #1 thing I learned most about change is…
You Can Do It! But it Means You Have to Change.

Drifting

In a daze, the haze lifts upon the morning lake. Like glass the water feels smooth on my fingertips as they just touch the surface. They tingle with delight sensing the depth just inches below where the turtles dance. My body finds the strength to pull itself from my board to find myself a drift in the middle of the lake. The only life around me, the sounds of nature and a lone fisherman standing so still I don’t consider him there.

The push of my paddle stroking the water is intoxicating like a wet dream. A three dimensional moment as I peer into the lake and watch as the seaweed sways, look up to the sky as the egret takes flight and breathe deeply this life’s emotional wave.

When I’m here, I’m no where else. When I’m somewhere else, I’m here. When the world tries to swallow me whole, I run to the place I can drift. Where no one can catch me and my mind, body & soul belong to me. Here there is no need to scream or cry. No need to run. The turtles seek nothing other than sunlight. The fisherman cares are gone and my own are too. My mind seeks only what is right in front of me.

Schedules, deadlines and responsibility do not live on the lake. And when they live in the present and I feel so trapped I can’t breathe, my mind takes me to the silky, cool water that sends me only where it chooses to go. Without a sail, I am pulled away from land so I may breathe deeply again. This place I go, the natural world, with no preconceived notions or judgements. It embraces my soul when I’m feeling alone in the world. No longer on an island, this is where I am free, drifting into the water’s embrace.

The Absence that made the Heart Grow Fonder

You can look for it all your life. And there were times you thought you had found it. IT is always there. Sure there may be days, months and even years that pass where you are free to be completely in love with your time, your life….you. They say that’s the healthiest way to find IT, to be sure you have IT first. But even during these times, IT is in the back of your mind, sometimes you may find it as your pillow or in a song. Lots of times it comes as the bottom of a bottle of red.

IT makes you cry, laugh and question your existence. If you don’t have IT is there something wrong with you? I know there have been times I certainly have felt that way. But then I realized I do have IT. I met this tiny person 11 years ago that I helped to grow. I mean IT was just given to me, a gift! How did I deserve this? I have never felt this way before. IT came in the form of my son and IT didn’t take anything at all. IT came the minute I knew he was a part of me. Then he became US and we were intertwined. I took care of US, I spent time with US, I thought about OUR future and he was always on my mind.

How could this be? So easy, there was no doubt this was IT. And when he was in my arms for the first time I knew exactly what IT was and haven’t questioned IT since. IT was of course, LOVE. I’m convinced my son and I are soul mates. We know what each other are feeling more than we do ourselves. We talk about what our past lives were like and what our future lives might be like. We are very serious, funny and crazy. We are never just a little bit of anything, we are always a whole lot of everything. And usually way too much for anyone else.

I can’t imagine life without him so much so that I just don’t ever. He taught me what IT was. IT is unconditional. I know what that means now too! And it dawned on me that until he arrived, I had never had anyone feel IT for me. But now I do. And suddenly my life became more precious. I want to be a better person. He makes me believe that I am capable of doing so. I question anyone or anything that doesn’t have our best interest at heart and take it head on like some kind of woman warrior. The strength he has given me to fight systems that don’t allow him to fit in, to stand up to people that don’t accept us for who we are or cross our boundaries is more than I could have ever known. I spent most of my life playing victim to people that didn’t want the best for me until he came to be.

It’s truly amazing what IT can do for you. It’s a healing power, providing confidence that you may not have without IT. It’s not even something you need to do anything for. When you have IT you just want the best for this person. IT comes naturally and providing comfort, support and empathy are like little rewards for being human.

I hope that everyone has IT. Some way, some how; in a sister, a friend, a lover….a son. IT will save your life. And once you have IT, telling you to hold on to IT is pointless because you will already know that. You will never take IT for granted. Negative feelings will become conversations that needed to happen. IT will open your eyes to new ideas or make you reach inside to find who you really are and ask you what you really want.

Now that I know what IT is I am open to find even more of IT. IT pays itself forward and allows you to find others that are also looking for IT. In all the years of absence, I never realized how much it was making my heart grow fonder.

Lost

I can’t remember the last time I saw her. But her image has always been burned into my mind. I remember being a young age the first time I felt empathy. Maybe I had prior, but this would be the first I recall knowing what it was. It felt helpless. I remember thinking of her knowing she was alone even though I was aware that her loneliness was brought on by her cat like persona, pulling people in only to later push them out.

It was like an art form, the way she was able to manipulate those who saw her beauty, her intelligence, her mystery. Bringing them in was easy for her. It was easy to be attracted to her long black hair, olive skin and petite figure. But her ability to adapt to others personalities, whether it was their kindness, intelligence or artistic mojo she was just that. She could be sweet and giving, even working with the mentally disabled, and doing it well, for a period of time. And then so cold, her glaring stare could burn a hole in your heart.

Being a younger sister to this maleficent being was, well, an interesting ride. In our younger years, we played like sisters did…at least I thought that’s what we were doing. Now, as an adult, I realize even back then, she had already shown signs of…something different. I will need a pardon on that one as I, and those who were closest to her, still don’t know what that “different” quite was. At first maybe it was the idea that something was a bit “off”. Then, as you spent more time in her presence, you could almost feel her negativity fill the room quickly like a cloud of smoke forming from the oven burning the last bit of oil that had dripped from the pan. It filled your soul, no matter how light your mood, somehow it would swallow you up and leave you as charred as the remains of that oil left to suffer at the bottom of the oven.

But then there were days where a smile might peak through. Something would connect you to her and she would glow like the sun setting over the warmest of waters. It would make you feel like you could be friends again. Remembering the days where you would practice your dance routine based on the show “Fame” that you both loved so much together. Or the nights spent painting pottery and watching “Night Rider” until the parents picked you up. Even though she was better than you in all facets of life be it painting or writing, hell even talking. Somehow at every age I felt I was in the presence of an extremely educated girl, a girl that never did come to graduate high school. It was impossible to keep up with my older sister, but that was ok. I only wanted her to like me.

The things that made her happy….punk rock music, guys with mohawks and Doc Martens, Fells Point (before it sold out), patchouli, beads and scarves and weird ass jewelry. But all those things were the things that my 10 year old self wanted so badly too, because they were nothing like anything I’d ever seen. While my friends were listening to Debbie Gibson and Van Halen, I was being pulled in by the sounds of Pink Floyd, Dead Kennedys, Sinead O’Connor, The Sugarcubes, Siouxie and the Banshees. I remember the blank cassette tapes in her handwriting she would give to me, dubbing the coolest new tracks. I felt like I was the only one my age privy to this information. Hanging with here punk rock, teenage friends, full of angst we would walk downtown and throw quarters in the sewer grate sipping on Jolt soda outside of the Pizza on Wheels. I was turning into somebody, somebody different than everyone else. And it felt cool. Not good, but cool. So I went with it.

Unfortunately for me, this was during a time when I would be entering middle school watching my friends move away to different schools leaving me with bus rides full of newcomers to town. Growing up in a safety net of a neighborhood, riding bikes and wondering through corn fields with my besties, that was all demolished to allow for affordable housing and the development demons that stole my childhood. The loss of my innocent childhood was unfolding before my eyes to be replaced with pissed off kids, complacent parents and years of defending myself from girls that thought I was trying to steal their boyfriends to boyfriends that only dated me to break up with me in front of the entire school, loads of gum in my hair and even an unbeknownst sucker punch to the eye.

I reveled this by buzz cutting my hair, wearing combat boots and pouring myself into my studies. This only made matters worse for me, of course. Middle school is already a cluster of puberty, emotions and awkwardness, unbeknownst to me, I just added a target on my back. But all I wanted was to be like HER.

Sand in a Small Town

Dolphins crest the horizon while the sun turns water into crystal ripples. A beyond middle aged dude reminiscent of Sammy Hagar sits in his sand chair playing tunes from Springsteen to Boston on his throwback radio. The breeze remains steady keeping the sun from burning my cheeks. Covered in salt, allowing the waves to crash into me, fills my soul with energy. Just as far as the eye can see the tides roll tirelessly into the beach bringing surprising treasures to passing goers and little toes brave enough to stand until the water slips away in its brief moment.

As I stroll my way through the village shops, conversations with business owners selling handmade soaps or crafted jewelry and gifts that you don’t question paying whatever price because you know exactly where it came from and whom is benefiting, are simple yet intriguing. Getting a glimpse into the life of a small seaside town resident beckons me to want to stay longer than just a visit. Images of early morning sunrise and eager boat rides to score the catch of the day come to mind as the soap maker talks of the fresh tuna dinner he will be preparing with friends that night.

Wind whispers in my ear and my ponytail waves gently like the kites staked in the sand. I cycle my legs never tiring over flat terrain through ponds filled with cattails, the only landmark from miles away, a lookout tower providing the reminder that days like this were not always filled with peace. Miles stretch along the coast line as the pavement below moves below my feet blurred by speed.

There is nothing like dipping your toes in the tide at days end when all else has left to amuse in the delights of the boardwalk and avenues of shops. I am here in this moment as the waves provide music to my ears all I can think about is what lies in front of me. The sky turns pink reminiscent of Bermudian sand against a backdrop of turquoise so deep you almost think you are standing under the ocean. The evening is upon me and the air begins to cool. This is my drug of choice. There is no anxiety, stress or sadness here. My mind is clear and sharp, my body relaxed and sun kissed. It is an addiction that will bring me back for an abundance of reasons. Waves and sun providing excitement in the summer while beach grass lined trails inspire in the fall.

Sometimes it’s a place that fills our voids of broken hearts or worried minds. You won’t find it in your wallet or on your iPhone, but if you are open to exploration I assure you no matter where you go, you suddenly feel like nothing else matters. And isn’t that how it should be, living to feel over living for things. Go to the town filled with sand, touch the sky, listen to the music of the ocean, see the crystals dance in the water and feel it all. Just remember to take a little home with you each time to fill your day dreams from the sand in the little town.

Surviving the Apocalypse

What are you passionate about? It might be that beer you’re currently holding to wash away the day’s events. Maybe it’s something more, like hitting that spin class you’ve been talking about for too long. Can I tell you a secret? It doesn’t matter whether it’s the beer or the exercise, as long as you’re passionate about…something.

The long day that had your heart racing and your head pounding is passion enough to earn that beer. It’s how we spend our afternoons on phone calls, in gyms or classrooms. Yeah, for most of us it’s called a job, but I am well aware in this day that can mean many things to many people. Maybe you are folding knit sweaters that you can’t even imagine your grandmother wearing or walking down a tarmac to get to your company aircraft. One minute you’re slinging pizzas and the next you’re holding conventions to sell the world on your new technology.

We can be anything or anyone at anytime. Life is phases and we are all capable. The world is a sphere of harsh criticism beseeching you at every moment, reminding you that you are only worth the attention you receive in a crowded room or next post where you look like you might fall from a cliff. It’s not even the amount of money in your wallet. In fact, I’m finding more each day that actual money in its true form is not even cool anymore and not widely accepted. Which brings me to the idea I have been warning people of that some day we will all just be wearing that micro chip you now have in your debit card and wave so smugly in the electronic air. Pandemic temperature taking have already gotten us a custom to our foreheads being scanned upon entrance.

It’s coming, all of it. And you better be ready. If you aren’t flying into space in a rocket ship shaped like your ego as of now then you better have a plan. You can figure it out now or eventually, but the best way to survive is through your passion. It has to bring you joy, fear, love and strength, but let me break it to you. It won’t and doesn’t need to bring any of those things to anyone else. If you don’t feel it without approval then it’s not it. Go back and try again. Let go of your pre-conceived ideas and insecurities and just be happy. Serve ice cream to giggly toddlers, coach a football team. raise a child or maybe horses. Whatever your desire, go after it. Life is short and unpredictable. What everyone loves today, they loathe tomorrow. Don’t be a trend, but don’t be the trend setter either. Be yourself, do you remember who that is?

Heartache

Broken hearts don’t always come from one lost love. Nor a hundred of them. For a heart to be broken more than once, it must have been mended many times. Is it better to have loved and lost? Is there a maximum number of times this can happen and is it only for the emotionally stable?

Well, I presume I don’t know the answer, but I can tell you from experience, even just one is unforgettable. Just as a song can play in your head, so can another human. You feel such a connection there are times it plays on repeat. And then there are the times when you go about your day. You forget, but then night falls and your head hits the pillow wishing it was another heart beating next to yours.

You listen to the song as though it’s not really there. You hear it, but you’re trying not to. Then it ends and you think you should play it again. You weren’t quite listening so this is a natural act of course. The second time you hear it, the notes hit harder. Drawn in by the sound, you forget what is around you and now only focus on the noise filling the room with its melody.

It draws you in and you can’t get enough. Forgotten already is everything you cared about five minutes ago, last year or yesterday. And then it’s gone.

The white noise is there to comfort you, but it’s not the same. Everything you touch, see or hear is passing of the days. The feeling of that song still remains in your heart, but you can no longer feel it in it’s form.

This is love. This is heart. This is ache.

And I will always choose the pain

INTRO

I remember many things, but somehow can’t remember it all. And mostly the memories come to me in waves so I’m never quite sure if series of events are in order. If you were to ask me the first thing that comes to my mind when thinking back to my childhood, it would be my friends. The neighborhood we lived in was all but perfect, in my eyes. Riding our bikes through the valley, staying out just til dark when we knew it was time to come in for dinner, ghost hunting in the cornfields. These memories are fresh in my mind and I believe that they are the foundation of my positive nature.

Some would think that my story is filled with nothing but trauma and I suppose they are correct, but it’s the friends and vivid memories of after school shenanigans and weekend sleepovers I believe to keep me from falling down a well of negativity. Sometimes I feel the cold, dark cylinder surrounding me, looking up to see the beauty in the light knowing I will never be able to reach it. And I realize that it is only the kind act of another that will bring me to touch it by throwing me a rope in hopes that I will be strong enough to climb.

Growing up was a lesson in independence. And while I am very happy today knowing I can survive, adapt and take out my own trash, some of that independence wasn’t all welcome. I have found that crying on your own shoulder is messy and painful. Making yourself soup when battling through a 104 degree fever is well, kinda scary. And then there’s parenthood in itself. Learning to handle your own emotions, trying to figure everything out on your own in hopes you don’t screw up your child as badly as your own parents did you. Well there’s that. That’s not the kind of independence I would wish on anyone. People need people. And when you are facing loss and change and a sea of emotions people are not only needed, without them you will slowly drive yourself insane. Consumed in your own thoughts, going through them like files in a card catalog, there is no one to tell you it’s going to be ok.

This is a story of perseverance and hope, but also a true one. Perseverance runs out, hope fades. Life is heavy, it shows up everywhere. You are in the supermarket one moment eyeing up the Ben & Jerrys, mostly because you love the names but not really the ice cream, and the next you are wondering why you live such a life of change yet always remain the same. Maybe we are like a tree, not meant to move. Why is life happening to me now? Can’t it wait til I’m home enjoying the pint of ice cream I really don’t like? It sure can’t, and it’s going to melt all over you if you don’t start doing something about it, that life.

A Cloud in My Sky

I didn’t want to go outside and share in the beauty of the weather tonight.

I wanted to be exactly where I was. Sitting at the table next to all I have ever loved, crying about all the things I have been holding in.

Feeling the release of emotion was more than the breeze could have offered. Knowing the security of a kind heart was warmer than what the sun could shine.

Just as art can be beautiful, we don’t always wish to visit its museums. Beauty is in the moment and moments are not always beautiful. Sadness can be peaceful and calming such as a moonlit night. Emotions can paint a picture, better than that of a brush. The canvas a backdrop of what you are living today.

Step inside, enjoy the clouds and embrace the boredom. Life is too short to only count the moments that produce rainbows.

I’m Only Happy When it Rains

I hope this storm doesn’t pass
Let it rain down with it’s passion, it’s class

The wind lifts me off my feet From the words it whispers sounds so sweet

As the thunder rolls through my knees making them weak
Feeling it’s energy, I can barely speak

Storms like these raging through the night On a warm summers eve giving my senses delight

So rage on summer storm and make me feel new each day that you pass leaving sunny skies blue

I look forward to running out in the rain as long as the feeling remains the same