Writing in my head to drown out the exterior noise the world makes. The words pour like the rain just outside my open door allowing the feeling of the cool air to touch my skin. It comforts me to fill my evening in solitude without the need for superficial distractions. Each breath is a moment in time that reminds me I’m alive. My movements become fluid and I am fully immersed in the evening with the rumbling storms it has brought for my entertainment.
Thoughts begin to fade into nothing more than the moment I am in. All fear is gone and I know I am safe. Control no longer is antagonizing as freedom of mind has taken its place. Light is subtle as it’s soft rays bring life to shadows. Empty space feels whole providing room for energy to fill my home. Time has no urgency allowing my mind to be free to think how I feel.
As my eyes grow heavy, sleep is upon me. Falling into a place of unconsciousness temporarily, I can no longer feel the need to carry burden or pain.
The air is dry as I walk through January’s cold complacency. But the feeling I receive from the steps I take skipping down the steep slope feel light. I spot a glistening in the distance and begin to squint from the sun’s luminous ray. It won’t be long before I get to where I am going although I am uncertain of where that is. Excitement tingles through my veins as I approach the water’s edge. Pleasantly surprised I see the grass is greener and I remove the heavy layer that’s become my armor for the season. It feels like summer as I lean into the first tree I come to. I’m alone in the meadow, like a character in a book I have entered another chapter. This is not where I was just an hour ago. Nothing in my presence is cold, dark or straining on my eyes. I don’t need glasses nor a pen to take notes. Where I stand now requires nothing of me, asks nothing of me. I close my eyes so I may only feel the warmth, but soon open them again to catch how it illuminates the flowing creek in front of me.
This is where I go when the world has become stale. When people have become too loud extinguishing my thoughts. It’s nature’s meditation. It needs nothing but what it offers. Living harmoniously feeding from the life it provides and I get to be a part of it. No one can take away the peace I feel when I walk into nature. Here I am at home with no judgement or constant need for my attention.
A walk in nature preserves the soul, keeps us young and reminds us who we are. Human. None of us are exempt from this label. The only separation between me and you is our thoughts. The flesh suit we carry each day may come in unique shapes and sizes, but it remains to be the same. Our touch with nature is our commonality. The closer we are to it, the closer we become to each other. Sharing the same paths as our footprint proves we were there. How many times will we step in them today, tomorrow or next year? When we are here we are whole and we begin to see things for what they are. My mind is clear until I begin steady up the steep slope preparing me for any uphill battles that await. Training me for those challenges in the shelter of my car, the noise of my phone or the walls of my work. Its cycle remains steady providing me with the reassurance I need when my mind isn’t so kind to my heart. A walk in nature is always just a few steps away. Nothing else comes close.
It’s been some time since I’ve seen the sun. The smile on my face tells another story. Although the afternoon fills the room with grey, cool melancholy. I feel the warmth of the sun every time I see his face. In my mind, it warms my heart, but when he is with me, it warms my soul. To love someone is all things. The shiny, happy people that exist also do so in the dullness of the passing moments. As we sit together, very much apart he knows he is loved. The existence of it is precious, but not weak. Love is strong and doesn’t fall out of. Once you love, that is it. You have it to give, and you are able to receive. In this instance the love is for my son who doesn’t need a definition. He just knows he feels safe when he is with me. The feeling is not questioned, even in times of frustration. And we wake each day knowing we will always have each other. Nothing else in this world is as matter of fact and given as the act of Love.
We don’t own love nor do we own those we love. In fact love is allowing it to be what it wants. Love isn’t controlled, manipulated or demanded. And the only way to love is through your own. We can only love what we love of ourselves. The beauty of the world can only be seen through the eyes of those who believe there is beauty to be seen. And the only way to believe is to believe in yourself. This isn’t through ego or validation. Both are the opposite of love and will continue our society down a path of hate, anger and self righteousness. As long as everyone is agreeing with us or applauding everything we do, we will continue to confuse love with entitlement. It’s when we are brave enough to apologize, forgive and see that others can do the same when we break these destructive patterns.
When we choose to love ourselves, we choose to accept our flaws and to share our confidence. Accepting is not pushing these flaws on to others, but to understand they are there and feel empathy when they impact those around us. They are like the strokes of the brush that are never seen yet still make up the most magnificent art piece. They must exist in order for the beauty to come through the canvas. In times of struggle, we write sad songs; in times of weakness, we set goals for a better future; in times of anger, we look to ourselves to be more kind. It’s these moments that allow us to appreciate love. Heart ache exists because we love others who are also flawed. Heart break happens when we let ourselves down. Both are examples of why love doesn’t always feel good. What it does though is make us feel. It’s up to us what we do with those feelings. Take a deep breathe, remember you love who you are and go find out who that is.
In a daze, the haze lifts upon the morning lake. Like glass the water feels smooth on my fingertips as they just touch the surface. They tingle with delight sensing the depth just inches below where the turtles dance. My body finds the strength to pull itself from my board to find myself a drift in the middle of the lake. The only life around me, the sounds of nature and a lone fisherman standing so still I don’t consider him there.
The push of my paddle stroking the water is intoxicating like a wet dream. A three dimensional moment as I peer into the lake and watch as the seaweed sways, look up to the sky as the egret takes flight and breathe deeply this life’s emotional wave.
When I’m here, I’m no where else. When I’m somewhere else, I’m here. When the world tries to swallow me whole, I run to the place I can drift. Where no one can catch me and my mind, body & soul belong to me. Here there is no need to scream or cry. No need to run. The turtles seek nothing other than sunlight. The fisherman cares are gone and my own are too. My mind seeks only what is right in front of me.
Schedules, deadlines and responsibility do not live on the lake. And when they live in the present and I feel so trapped I can’t breathe, my mind takes me to the silky, cool water that sends me only where it chooses to go. Without a sail, I am pulled away from land so I may breathe deeply again. This place I go, the natural world, with no preconceived notions or judgements. It embraces my soul when I’m feeling alone in the world. No longer on an island, this is where I am free, drifting into the water’s embrace.
I didn’t want to go outside and share in the beauty of the weather tonight.
I wanted to be exactly where I was. Sitting at the table next to all I have ever loved, crying about all the things I have been holding in.
Feeling the release of emotion was more than the breeze could have offered. Knowing the security of a kind heart was warmer than what the sun could shine.
Just as art can be beautiful, we don’t always wish to visit its museums. Beauty is in the moment and moments are not always beautiful. Sadness can be peaceful and calming such as a moonlit night. Emotions can paint a picture, better than that of a brush. The canvas a backdrop of what you are living today.
Step inside, enjoy the clouds and embrace the boredom. Life is too short to only count the moments that produce rainbows.
The sun is down and you settle in to the evening. A morning hustle followed by an afternoon flow, it’s been another day. Maybe you made progress, maybe you made mistakes. Whatever you are feeling it is your own.
So now you finish that last breath of strength and let go of the tension in your muscle as you let the evening complete you. Do you go on to a friend about the makings of your day or immerse yourself in a book perhaps even a song? Maybe you could look forward to what’s to come in the next sun and prepare for it by making a list or two.
But then that moment comes when there is nothing left. The touch of the soft fur on your cat’s ear or the ocean’s waves displayed on your ceiling no longer intrigue you…there is nothing left. When your mind can no longer think and your mouth no longer speak…there is nothing left. When your heart no longer races and your eyes no longer wander…there is nothing left. And when there is nothing left, you sleep.
Dishes in the Sink 