Tag: Parenthood

The Absence that made the Heart Grow Fonder

You can look for it all your life. And there were times you thought you had found it. IT is always there. Sure there may be days, months and even years that pass where you are free to be completely in love with your time, your life….you. They say that’s the healthiest way to find IT, to be sure you have IT first. But even during these times, IT is in the back of your mind, sometimes you may find it as your pillow or in a song. Lots of times it comes as the bottom of a bottle of red.

IT makes you cry, laugh and question your existence. If you don’t have IT is there something wrong with you? I know there have been times I certainly have felt that way. But then I realized I do have IT. I met this tiny person 11 years ago that I helped to grow. I mean IT was just given to me, a gift! How did I deserve this? I have never felt this way before. IT came in the form of my son and IT didn’t take anything at all. IT came the minute I knew he was a part of me. Then he became US and we were intertwined. I took care of US, I spent time with US, I thought about OUR future and he was always on my mind.

How could this be? So easy, there was no doubt this was IT. And when he was in my arms for the first time I knew exactly what IT was and haven’t questioned IT since. IT was of course, LOVE. I’m convinced my son and I are soul mates. We know what each other are feeling more than we do ourselves. We talk about what our past lives were like and what our future lives might be like. We are very serious, funny and crazy. We are never just a little bit of anything, we are always a whole lot of everything. And usually way too much for anyone else.

I can’t imagine life without him so much so that I just don’t ever. He taught me what IT was. IT is unconditional. I know what that means now too! And it dawned on me that until he arrived, I had never had anyone feel IT for me. But now I do. And suddenly my life became more precious. I want to be a better person. He makes me believe that I am capable of doing so. I question anyone or anything that doesn’t have our best interest at heart and take it head on like some kind of woman warrior. The strength he has given me to fight systems that don’t allow him to fit in, to stand up to people that don’t accept us for who we are or cross our boundaries is more than I could have ever known. I spent most of my life playing victim to people that didn’t want the best for me until he came to be.

It’s truly amazing what IT can do for you. It’s a healing power, providing confidence that you may not have without IT. It’s not even something you need to do anything for. When you have IT you just want the best for this person. IT comes naturally and providing comfort, support and empathy are like little rewards for being human.

I hope that everyone has IT. Some way, some how; in a sister, a friend, a lover….a son. IT will save your life. And once you have IT, telling you to hold on to IT is pointless because you will already know that. You will never take IT for granted. Negative feelings will become conversations that needed to happen. IT will open your eyes to new ideas or make you reach inside to find who you really are and ask you what you really want.

Now that I know what IT is I am open to find even more of IT. IT pays itself forward and allows you to find others that are also looking for IT. In all the years of absence, I never realized how much it was making my heart grow fonder.

Chasing Neil

He’s seven years old.  And ever since he was 1 day, he has been the love of my life.  His bold eyes and beautiful heart have captivated me.  He has the ability to stop a store of people as if he was a celebrity with his character and charm, making friends wherever he goes.  Neil is my son, but he is more than that.  Neil is exactly who he wants to be.

For two years I had the privilege of living along side him on a daily basis.  Raising him yes, but watching him take the lead.  Neil always had a curiosity even as a baby.  His observant nature is what makes him who he is today.  Not me, not society, just his ability to see what many of us miss.  He lives in the moment and acts out his feelings.  He is the epitome of honesty.  But unfortunately this is not what society feels is acceptable.

Neil was diagnosed with ASD aka Asperger’s this year after having a hard time performing in 1st grade.  For several years, Neil attended a private preschool followed by kindergarten with no issues.  And then suddenly, those beautiful qualities that we all wish we had became his nemesis.  The overload of information, the long days, the loud crowd of 25 other kids all shoved into one classroom.  It was too much.  Imagine your senses heightened.  Visually over stimulated, not knowing what direction to go in and the noise, oh the Noise Noise Noise as the Grinch would say.  Picture yourself at your office while someone is banging symbols behind your head all day.  This is what it is for Neil to be in a “normal” classroom.  An exhausting roller coaster ride of information, people and demands.  Just like many of us in our careers, there are some that cannot sit behind a desk all day and others that prefer to work independently.  We are not all the same, therefore as we have more freedom to choose what motivates us, we are able to become successful, because we are happy.  But children are not able to choose how they learn and that’s a shame.  Because no matter how much the public school system tries to teach that we are the masses and “one size fits all”, it will fail us every time because we are all different.  Whether you have Asperger’s or you are high energy, or you are shy and anxious or you come from a good home or a broken home or no home at all you have it in you to be productive, focused and driven.  It’s just finding your own desires and motivations that will allow us to be successful.

At home, he is in his element.  I can take him anywhere.  He has a fondness for sushi and Chili’s.  He loves cats and finds it calming and nurturing to act like one every now and again which of course gets him in trouble at school or has other kids wondering what’s up with this kid. But really, don’t all children act out?  Have some form of imaginary friend?  This is why Neil thrives at home and in social situations when we are together.  Because I get him.  He is my son, but he is also my sidekick.  I have been in tune with his senses since he was born. And as he is observing this great big world, I have been observing him.  Since my divorce, our bond has grown even stronger.  We are always together and I use our time to explore and discover new things.  Sometimes I know I am challenging him.  But I parent so that my son may grow up feeling confident and secure in himself in hopes that he is never alone, but if he finds himself struggling, he will know how to cope.  I don’t parent a child on the spectrum. I raise a strong willed boy to become a super cool human in this thoughtless society today.  And I don’t look at him as a child with a “special need”.  I look at Neil as though he has a power we are lacking and in that wild mind of his he is teaching us all how to be real and beautiful in our own selves.

He is wise, an old soul, an incredible reader with an extraordinary vocabulary.  He has an intense focus when working on something he is passionate about.  He laughs a lot even though at seven years old he has been through a lot.  Neil isn’t mine, he belongs to the world and how much greater it is to live in it alongside this beautiful mind.