Going it Alone

I’ve been wanting to put this into words for some time. Not having the courage, until now. Many have heard me speak of or write about the trials and tribulations of being a single parent. And many see me post the joys that also encompass it. Being an “any type” of parent is rewarding and this is not meant to take away from that. Most that know me, my son’s teachers, friends and my cats, will tell you that I am an advocate for my son. Passionate about spreading awareness and sharing his story so others don’t have to go through what he did when when the system let him down at the age of only five. But mostly, I just enjoy the shit out of his company and think he is an amazing human.

But what people don’t see behind the scenes, behind the joyful pictures and the weekend adventures are the struggles. I often don’t share these moments but maybe those that I begin to trust see it in glimpses. Maybe I slip a little and they might even see me shed a tear. Probably not, I don’t cry much, I usually just get pissed. And some poor soul on the end of the phone tells me to breathe while I voice text a crazy synopsis of my day. This is because I’m alone and today you are “it”. There I said it.

So that is what I want to share with others. In hopes that others can relate. Many people are judgmental of single parents. Sure there are handfuls of promiscuous moms letting grandma do all the work while they prowl their weekends for other single dads that got there from looking for women just like that. There are plenty of you married folk doing much of the same. But please don’t forget about us that are working to build a family, putting our lives into our children and doing it… alone. We appreciate those that sympathize, really we do. But mostly I find that in my five years of doing this, most treat it like a competition. “Well at least you only have one, or you’re so lucky to have a free weekend”. Comments are a given, I don’t expect others to understand something they have never had to. But please try. As a single parent working to build the same family you have by ourselves is also a human that was brave enough to leave someone they loved to remove a child from abuse, or maybe they were left by that someone. Whatever their story, I can assure you it wasn’t an easy one.

And I can assure you I would rather have it in your shoes. Please give me the many children you have to juggle while your husband works long hours. I would do anything for that kind of family and spousal support. And please take back my free weekends, because even though you see my selfies, drinking beer or riding my bike, you really don’t want to know how hard I had to work on the plumbing or car repairs to earn it. And you really really don’t want to know how sad I am to have to hand my son over even if it is just a few nights. It’s one night not getting to see him grow up too many.

For those of you that have spouses, parents, friends; you are the richest people I know. When you reach out to a single parent, you have no idea how much that means to us. So thank you! To those that stop by, text to “check on me”, ask me how I’m doing or make a point to say hi when you see me; you are probably the only one that is doing so. There are no annoying husband snores or pesty friends in our business, or for some, mom and dads calling too much. I will clean your house, fix your toilet and do your taxes while holding a power drill, a checkbook and a baby on my hip. I can run circles around responsibility all day long. So give us a break, give us a call, we don’t need you to do anything for us. In fact we will probably be the ones wanting

mom to do things for you. Friend a single parent today, we are too tired to stay up late.

Today Isn’t Yesterday

The sound of Spring is heard through the chirping birds on a chilly, damp night. It teases us filling our hopes with thoughts of hikes in the woods and rides on our bikes. But the chill in the air reminds us we rather stay home. We remember our last walk when the sun was kissing our cheeks and our feet felt light.

Today I woke knowing I would be responsible for many things, but tomorrow I will wake knowing I can go back to my bed. Freedom of time makes me smile and never came this easy before. No schedule or commitments to grasp my day I will delight in the ability to choose. And even though I have these thoughts, tomorrow is still not a given. Not really knowing what it can bring is half the fun. My son said to me tonight, “Mom, I wouldn’t want to know my future. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise.” I now know my son really does like surprises.

Some nights I have my dreams to ponder. Memories of sand in my hair, grapes upon my toes and kisses on my lips. Many mornings wakening to the sound of guitar and the smell of coffee. Weekend getaways, delighting on wine and delicious bites. Cobblestone streets under my feet while the sound of drums pound in my ears drawing me into the music playing no matter how dark the street may be. Sizzling steaks and records playing become an art form in my kitchen. These were the moments I will never forget and the hopes that there will be more to come.

A rainy day bringing the gift of a rainbow or a flat tire turning into a chance meeting. The crack in the sidewalk making way for a growing tree. Strength found in times of difficulty and weakness reminding you to be strong.

Today isn’t yesterday and tomorrow will be what you make it. Sleep well, life isn’t a period of time meant to be wasted waiting for what you think you want, but to be lived for each today, tomorrow and yesterday.

mexico

Times Like These

When you pick up that large grocery bag, or three or five because why not put one on each finger, it weighs you down. Maybe it even strains your shoulder a bit, but you trudge on. Or do you? You could pick up that gallon of milk in the other hand too, because let’s face it, you got this. What happens when you do? Suddenly the strain from the other shoulder begins to subside and you walk more upright. Sure it’s still a strain but now you are moving right along. Why is this? Because you are balanced.

No this isn’t a Science class, although funny how human behavior really is a Science. Life is a balance. And more so now than ever we need to understand just how to do that. In the example of the bags and the milk, you have a choice. And life is just that, a series of choices you get to make. Sure you could drop the bag in hopes someone else will get it or you could just grab one at a time making the trip to the kitchen more bearable, but obviously longer. Perhaps you could just carry the load as I had chosen, but no matter what you do, the choice is yours. There is no right or wrong answer. Some of us wish to think that the lazy way of dropping the bag for someone else would be wrong, but maybe you don’t realize that the person that made that choice did so in order to receive much needed relief from a medical condition or was dropping them to run after a family member getting ready to fall. The universe doesn’t judge. We see it all the time, or we think we do, the rich getting richer while those of us that work hard just seem to have to work harder. But is seeing believing? The truth is none of us know what someone else may be going through and in order to achieve balance, you really shouldn’t care. What happens when someone asks to take one of those bags off your fingers? I bet you shout no way, I got this! Why? Well we will drop all the other bags and lose balance! So point taken, it’s not for anyone else to provide us the balance we need in life. No amount of judging and blaming others is going to get you to where you need to be. No, balance takes self discipline. And once you achieve it, you won’t ever go back.

They say it takes a traumatic experience for someone to really change. And so here’s your chance! My life pre-COVID, was definitely one that needed more balance. Although I must say that for those who always wondered how I did it all, single parenting, working full time, home ownership; it was balance. And those times I found myself less than happy, well those were the times I dropped the bags. Not only dropped but in good ol’ Dana fashion, dropped and broke the glass milk jug all over the floor. So if I focused on that, the spilled milk per say, then unhappiness would creep in and put its firm grip around my life. But when I scream at the milk, clean it up and forget about it or hey, maybe learn from it; my happy place is left unscathed. The point is you’re going to have tough moments and some of those moments last months, years even, some only hours. But don’t let those times allow to take a hold of what you are living now. Look at how far you have come, who surrounds you and where you are going. Stay focused on the task, but don’t let it control your world. Our children are learning in a whole new way and we are doing our best. Be good to you and them, let go and learn to know your emotions. No one can do that for you. If you are in tune with yourself, you will know what sets you off and how much you can handle. Back off before things get to this point. Nothing is that important. Nothing is more important than you. Those around you cannot thrive and maintain a healthy balance if you are always negative because that would mean in order to maintain balance they would always need to be positive and after 16 years of marriage trying, I have found out that is not humanly possible, no matter how much you like to laugh.

Take advantage of this time no matter your situation to focus on yourself. It is not our jobs to juggle everyone around us. But, it’s when you achieve that balance that suddenly you can. “It’s Times Like These you learn to live again”.

Strength Lessons

Strength cannot be taught. It is something that one can only learn through their own experiences. Each one of us handles trauma in different ways. If I choose to be kind to my child I am showing him compassion. When I do things for him he is appreciative. Because in many instances he understands that I am not always able to help him in the way he wants me to. He understands the struggle that we carry being a single parent household. At nine years old he himself has been through his own trauma.

He knows that when the sink is running, for instance, I can’t hear him speak. And if he needs something that he must come to me and ask rather than me wait on him. He understands that he must open the door for me each and every night because he is not able to carry heavy loads as of yet. When he asks for a drink at bedtime it is always followed by an apology that he didn’t ask sooner and feels bad making me go back down the stairs. I always tell him that I certainly don’t mind because he is kind to me too and we help each other. And then sometimes I just tell him to go get it himself. The ability that my son and I have to be able to ask each other for help when needed is our strength. So when you see my child playing video games or me giving him his favorite cookie and being more than happy to pour him a glass of milk it is because it is well-deserved.

Some of us see others on social media as an example and may think “wow what a great life she must have, must be nice”. But strength lies in knowing how hard I worked to be in that moment. And at times it may only be treating myself to a glass of wine, maybe a night out for dinner, or just putting my feet up and watching a movie. Strength also comes from not having to defend or explain yourself to others. I know how far I’ve come and how hard I have faught. I have no desire to prove that to anyone else.

Strength is not how big of a wall you can build. It is not how hard you can hit or how little you cry. No, strength is kindness, compassion, love. Strength is patience, regard for others, and the ability to know when you yourself need to take a step back and give yourself all of the above. Don’t confuse strength with toughness. The latter will only leave you with an empty heart. It is true what they say strength comes from within. You cannot take a class in it, ask for it or borrow it. You must simply learn how to cope.

The happiest people I know are the most grateful. That’s a start.

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The Change Gang

The sound of the train in the morning reminds me that I am here. Its unforgiving whistle permeates through my bedroom walls leaving me vulnerable as I lie awake waiting for the comfort of silence. As the train moves on, so does the sound echoing now in the distance. The faint whistle is now a reminder that this too shall pass.

We are living in a constant state of change. Some of us choose to ignore it, although it is still around us, living in complacency or what I like to call fear. The train may come and go, but each time it passes it reminds us that it’s here giving us a wake up call. Whether we choose to wake up is up to us.

And for those of us that board the train, although we know the destination, we don’t always understand the journey. We take on the unknown head on and grasp it with both hands, bare knuckles to the wheel. It takes bravery to step foot on this ride and go against what we know as comfortable, but if we never board, we will never know. Turnpike

So many of us find happiness in our misery. Comfort in complaining. The risks we take in finding new friends, leaving family for careers, moving out on our own; whatever your ticket may hold may not always find you where you thought you were going. But rest assured if you are moving forward to the sound of the train, you may find comfort in the journey. It’s the change that drives us and if you find yourself adaptable, you will find yourself happy.

If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, then it’s the light you are shining. The light does not shine for us just because we have made it through. There are times you feel as though you have made the journey and the light isn’t there. You will know when you’ve found it, but it may not always shine so bright as expected. This is how you know your journey is not over and you are not where you need to be. Enjoy the ride anyway with it’s bumps and bruises, because remember, we are the one’s that purchased the ticket.

Marriage Advice from a Single Mom

So I was doing what I do best when I’m home for some time (longer than 2 hours) working on several tasks, staying on top of my priorities while remembering several other things I’ve been wanting to do. So after putting my son to bed, while cutting strawberries and cleaning up the remains of dinner, in typical Dana fashion I decided to rummage through some old boxes. Upon opening one I found several concert tickets, beer stickers and old cards from lost loves. But folded up in a crisp white sheet of perfect resume paper I had found a note to myself not quite 10 years into marriage. Before I even laid eyes on the first word I assumed that it would be nothing more than an angry typed rant, but as I read I couldn’t help but to relate to my 30 year old self. This brief paragraph takes my hope for what I thought I was doing right for someone into realizing it’s exactly what we should all be doing for each other. There is no “marriage advice” or “relationship goals” in life. It simply treating others the way you wish to be. It’s unfortunate that many of us treat our families worse than our co-workers or those that serve our lunch or pour our beers. We are a society of taker for granters. But those that are grateful; these are the happy, the content, the romantic after 40 years people. Those are my people, they are our true role models.

2/28/2007

I never think I’m “trying” or “doing my best” when I think of others I love. I believe those are things you say when you are doing something you hate to be doing. Like someone is over top of you, whip in hand while you row the boat. When you are doing something you love, it doesn’t involve trying at all. You don’t try to have a good time when you are in Disney World eating an ice cream cone with people that are happy all around you. You just do it. Because you are happy. Ok so maybe you don’t like Disneyworld, maybe sitting on your front porch with a glass of lemonade is a good time. There is nothing wrong with being happy with that. And when we are doing things for other people, we don’t say it either. Even if you really are just doing your best. When I try to learn of something that my husband likes, I don’t do it because I have to and I certainly don’t do it just to tell him that I’m “trying”. I do it because I’m selfish. I do it because a part of me wants to make a part of him happy. I want to know that a few of the reasons he smiles (very few) is because he is happy when he thinks of something I did for him. Maybe I bought pizzas at the store even after spending all day in the kitchen….cold, dead cardboard pizzas. But he forgets until one day he opens the freezer and is suddenly as happy as the youngest sibling that somehow got the last cookie. And that’s nice to know, that crappy pizza reminds him of me. You can’t constantly be asking someone if they are happy with you and how often. Life would be nothing more than a serious of Cosmo quizzes (do people still take those?). But instead recognize it when they smile while eating their lifeless pizza. Some things are small and some will take time. It’s really important to know the person you feel this way about respects you and wants good things for you too. If they don’t, you are pretty much living with someone that always just feels they are “doing their best”.

RAINBOW MOON

My feet are bare and cold as they cross the threshold to the porch where I often go after my son is asleep and there is nothing left of the day to give. As I open the door a cool yet gentle breeze comes across my face with a tease of Spring in the air. I stare up into the sky looking for something to gaze upon. But tonight, the stars are not shining. There is a haze over the moon that moves like fog. As I stare and ponder I think I spot a shooting star as light seems to twinkle and move. A faint drop of rain touches my cheek and I step under the cover of my porch prepared for a passing storm. But time goes by and the haze begins to dissipate.

A glow of purple seems to appear in place of the night sky and I slowly move forward out of the cover once again in curious delight. Forgetting my bare feet, I walk further where now I am almost to the sidewalk staring up at the sky not taking my eyes off of what I’m about to see. And as if it was a summer day after the rain, in all its glory, a rainbow emerges glowing from the light of the moon.

Still with neck stretched out and eyes wide open, I stare now in complete wonderment not believing in what I am seeing. Every color of the spectrum is above me now on a canvas of soft grey, the night sky, illuminated by the brightness of the moon. I whisper the lyrics of “Comfortably Numb” to myself taking in the moment not able to move. A feeling of enlightenment and peace has overcome me and I am still.

Suddenly in this moment, I feel the cold cement on my feet once again and in an instant of swift moving clouds, the rainbow moon is gone. Darkness fills the sky once again in a haze and I am saddened that I could not somehow be quick enough to share this experience with my son who lays asleep just a few feet inside. But then I remember, a story he was telling me not so long ago of a “rainbow moon” and the dark sky that it filled. Trying to appease him, I asked, “and how would a rainbow come about in the night?” and he said to me “it really is a logical explanation. it had been raining.”

So there in the night sky lives a rainbow and on each rainy day it appears. But if you wish to see it, you must believe in the imagination of a child. Otherwise, you will just be left standing in your bare feet thinking you see “a distant ship’s smoke on the horizon”.

When There’s Nothing Left

The sun is down and you settle in to the evening. A morning hustle followed by an afternoon flow, it’s been another day. Maybe you made progress, maybe you made mistakes. Whatever you are feeling it is your own.

So now you finish that last breath of strength and let go of the tension in your muscle as you let the evening complete you. Do you go on to a friend about the makings of your day or immerse yourself in a book perhaps even a song? Maybe you could look forward to what’s to come in the next sun and prepare for it by making a list or two.

But then that moment comes when there is nothing left. The touch of the soft fur on your cat’s ear or the ocean’s waves displayed on your ceiling no longer intrigue you…there is nothing left. When your mind can no longer think and your mouth no longer speak…there is nothing left. When your heart no longer races and your eyes no longer wander…there is nothing left. And when there is nothing left, you sleep.

The Enchanted Island

Neil told me a story tonight. I will do my best to remain accurate.

There is a place in the middle of the ocean called The Enchanted Island. But you can’t see it. Ships sail by without a notice. Unless you believe. On the island it is always dark. This is so the sparkles of blue and green can be seen that flow within the waters edge.

And within this island lies a portal. To access this gateway, no one quite knows, but if there is a story than it must exist. The portal will take you to depths of the ocean to places unseen by any man. Like entering space with no space suit where you are just free to observe the vast depths of the ocean and all the magnificent creatures that live there.

As if you are in a bubble protected, yet still very much vulnerable to a simple shift in wind, this is how they say it feels to enter the portal. This is why the island remains a secret. It is beautiful and unspoiled so in an effort to protect itself it remains a mystery. If your intentions are selfless and good, maybe the island will open itself up to you. Just maybe you will be lucky enough to float among the sparkles. And if you are quite brave and confident, maybe you will walk through the dense jungle of palm trees and sand to be rewarded with fruits filled with the most decadent of flavors and see magical sights of strange and beautiful animals living in the canopy of the trees. The purple and red frogs frolicking below, the tree monkeys flying up high with their wings and the horses that roam with their scales and fins allowing them to swim in the crystal waters that border the island.

But if you are false, you may not even see the island, better that you don’t. Because for those that are untrue dare enter won’t see the same beauty those that are genuine do. The frogs become black widows and the monkeys turn to vultures. The horses are dragons with breath of fire. And the portal will suck you in to the depths of the ocean where certain death awaits you.

Be kind, be genuine and just maybe the Enchanted Island will find its way to you. Just follow the shimmering waters and the warm breeze and remember to believe.

Chasing Neil

He’s seven years old. And ever since he was 1 day, he has been the love of my life. His bold eyes and beautiful heart have captivated me. He has the ability to stop a store of people as if he was a celebrity with his character and charm, making friends wherever he goes. Neil is my son, but he is more than that. Neil is exactly who he wants to be.

For two years I had the privilege of living along side him on a daily basis. Raising him yes, but watching him take the lead. Neil always had a curiosity even as a baby. His observant nature is what makes him who he is today. Not me, not society, just his ability to see what many of us miss. He lives in the moment and acts out his feelings. He is the epitome of honesty. But unfortunately this is not what society feels is acceptable.

Neil was diagnosed with ASD aka Asperger’s this year after having a hard time performing in 1st grade. For several years, Neil attended a private preschool followed by kindergarten with no issues. And then suddenly, those beautiful qualities that we all wish we had became his nemesis. The overload of information, the long days, the loud crowd of 25 other kids all shoved into one classroom. It was too much. Imagine your senses heightened. Visually over stimulated, not knowing what direction to go in and the noise, oh the Noise Noise Noise as the Grinch would say. Picture yourself at your office while someone is banging symbols behind your head all day. This is what it is for Neil to be in a “normal” classroom. An exhausting roller coaster ride of information, people and demands. Just like many of us in our careers, there are some that cannot sit behind a desk all day and others that prefer to work independently. We are not all the same, therefore as we have more freedom to choose what motivates us, we are able to become successful, because we are happy. But children are not able to choose how they learn and that’s a shame. Because no matter how much the public school system tries to teach that we are the masses and “one size fits all”, it will fail us every time because we are all different. Whether you have Asperger’s or you are high energy, or you are shy and anxious or you come from a good home or a broken home or no home at all you have it in you to be productive, focused and driven. It’s just finding your own desires and motivations that will allow us to be successful.

At home, he is in his element. I can take him anywhere. He has a fondness for sushi and Chili’s. He loves cats and finds it calming and nurturing to act like one every now and again which of course gets him in trouble at school or has other kids wondering what’s up with this kid. But really, don’t all children act out? Have some form of imaginary friend? This is why Neil thrives at home and in social situations when we are together. Because I get him. He is my son, but he is also my sidekick. I have been in tune with his senses since he was born. And as he is observing this great big world, I have been observing him. Since my divorce, our bond has grown even stronger. We are always together and I use our time to explore and discover new things. Sometimes I know I am challenging him. But I parent so that my son may grow up feeling confident and secure in himself in hopes that he is never alone, but if he finds himself struggling, he will know how to cope. I don’t parent a child on the spectrum. I raise a strong willed boy to become a super cool human in this thoughtless society today. And I don’t look at him as a child with a “special need”. I look at Neil as though he has a power we are lacking and in that wild mind of his he is teaching us all how to be real and beautiful in our own selves.

He is wise, an old soul, an incredible reader with an extraordinary vocabulary. He has an intense focus when working on something he is passionate about. He laughs a lot even though at seven years old he has been through a lot. Neil isn’t mine, he belongs to the world and how much greater it is to live in it alongside this beautiful mind.