Marriage Advice from a Single Mom

So I was doing what I do best when I’m home for some time (longer than 2 hours) working on several tasks, staying on top of my priorities while remembering several other things I’ve been wanting to do.  So after putting my son to bed, while cutting strawberries and cleaning up the remains of dinner, in typical Dana fashion I decided to rummage through some old boxes.  Upon opening one I found several concert tickets, beer stickers and old cards from lost loves.  But folded up in a crisp white sheet of perfect resume paper I had found a note to myself not quite 10 years into marriage. Before I even laid eyes on the first word I assumed that it would be nothing more than an angry typed rant, but as I read I couldn’t help but to relate to my 30 year old self.  This brief paragraph takes my hope for what I thought I was doing right for someone into realizing it’s exactly what we should all be doing for each other.  There is no “marriage advice” or “relationship goals” in life.  It simply treating others the way you wish to be.  It’s unfortunate that many of us treat our families worse than our co-workers or those that serve our lunch or pour our beers.  We are a society of taker for granters.  But those that are grateful; these are the happy, the content, the romantic after 40 years people.  Those are my people, they are our true role models.

2/28/2007

I never think I’m “trying” or “doing my best” when I think of  others I love. I believe those are things you say when you are doing something you hate to be doing.  Like someone is over top of you, whip in hand while you row the boat.  When you are doing something you love, it doesn’t involve trying at all.  You don’t try to have a good time when you are in Disney World eating an ice cream cone with people that are happy all around you.  You just do it.  Because you are happy.  Ok so maybe you don’t like Disneyworld, maybe sitting on your front porch with a glass of lemonade is a good time.  There is nothing wrong with being happy with that.  And when we are doing things for other people, we don’t say it either.  Even if you really are just doing your best.  When I try to learn of something that my husband likes, I don’t do it because I have to and I certainly don’t do it just to tell him that I’m “trying”.  I do it because I’m selfish.  I do it because a part of me wants to make a part of him happy.  I want to know that a few of the reasons he smiles (very few) is because he is happy when he thinks of something I did for him.  Maybe I bought pizzas at the store even after spending all day in the kitchen….cold, dead cardboard pizzas.  But he forgets until one day he opens the freezer and is suddenly as happy as the youngest sibling that somehow got the last cookie.  And that’s nice to know, that crappy pizza reminds him of me.  You can’t constantly be asking someone if they are happy with you and how often.  Life would be nothing more than a serious of Cosmo quizzes (do people still take those?).  But instead recognize  it when they smile while eating their lifeless pizza.  Some things are small and some will take time.  It’s really important to know the person you feel this way about respects you and wants good things for you too.  If they don’t, you are pretty much living with someone that always just feels they are “doing their best”.