Define Perfect

No one, not one thing is perfect. What does the word even mean? My son has asked me from time to time. I can’t say as I really understand how to answer.

And those that think they may know someone that is, typically are the furthest from what I do think perfect might actually be. The word itself gives off a negative connotation. If you think some one or some thing may be perfect, then you are stating everything outside of that is imperfect. Then how do we define imperfect?

It seems as though it is associated with anything that may make others uncomfortable. Out of the ordinary is not necessarily imperfect. It could be a beautiful display of art, something so unique. Rather though, it is those that choose to be their ordinary selves that evoke disgust or rejection from others.

I’ve encountered this more than I would have ever like to since my son was born. While it is to be expected that other kids can be cruel at times, I was not fully prepared to see the cruelty of the school system. My son entered first grade happily. He was no doubt, overly stimulated by the loud students, extroverted teachers and large building. To amend that, I was brought in for observation and viewed a teacher rewarding my son with a light up bouncy ball when he would sit quietly. Oh yes, let’s provide a 7 year old with more stimulation, then punish him for using it during class, in which was the place it was given to him.

From then on, the phone calls and emails from teachers, principals and counselors poured in. Berating is the word that comes to mind. And as a single parent with no one else to take the load, it was border line harassment. I began providing supports for my son, had him diagnosed (Aspergers at the time), therapy, but I did not understand what could be offered by the school. That very moment of his diagnosis, the school met with me advising they would place him in a school that suited his needs better. No special needs coordinator or IEP, just kicked out into a school where kids were put in rooms to be screamed at as though they were in boot camp. Metal detectors lined the entrances. My son was horrified, scared and so was I.

I wrote the district’s superintendent. He agreed, he was angry he was never made aware of my son and his situation and immediately got me in touch with the Special Needs coordinator who taught me all about IEP’s and support classes. We got him out and put him in a better environment, but the damage was done. My son no longer could trust adults, teachers or principals.

Unfortunately, trauma takes time to work through, and as he grew into middle school, he carried that weight. Teachers frequently report that my son “thinks the world is out to get him”. And I frequently remind them of what he has been through. All the while being bullied day in and day out. Beat up, called retard and receiving death threats to the point where sheriffs provide their cell numbers in case I may need them in the future. Yet the school staff continues to ignore it all, putting the blame of my son’s “bad behavior” on him and I. And I continue to remind them that they are not following his IEP. That they will not see changed behavior if they cannot provide a changed environment. Meeting after meeting, it is only when I pull in another advocate and begin to push back that his needs are ”somewhat” met.

To further show you just how uncomfortable my son and I make the perfect people at his school, just the other day I received a visit from a social worker with allegations that I am abusive. My son was scared and immediately stated he would never think this, of course.

The report came in that because my son wears coats, even when it’s warm outside, he must be covering up physical abuse. They stated that he watches violent videos and his art work is disturbing. There is no hiding the fact that my son loves horror. And as long as he is not threatening others or himself, I am supportive of this interest. He tells stories, creates videos and loves psychological situations, including SciFi. He is in middle school and can certainly be awkward at times. He has been wearing coats throughout his years in school because it makes him feel safe and keeps the germs off he says. As soon as he comes home he takes it all off and is the typical shorts and tshirt kinda kid. He is that disgusted by school, that he has certain clothes he won’t even touch once he is home. He is intelligent and extremely observant. He is imperfect. However he is very good at reading others moods. He understands politics and corruption. Loves history and gaming. He is extremely out of the ordinary, yet completely and genuinely himself.

So at the end of the day, I ask those that accuse me of being a bad parent and my son of being a bad kid….are you perfect? I wonder if every time you see someone or something that looks different than you, acts a little odd and might even be a little sarcastic and bold, you judge them? You tell yourself there must be something wrong with his home, his friends, his use of screens because at the end of the day, it couldn’t possibly be my classroom, my teaching, me that is causing this imperfection?

I don’t know much about the personal lives of these educators, but I do know this. They don’t have autism. And the one’s always looking to find things wrong with my son instead of figuring out how to make things right for him (because isn’t that their job, to work with kids and help them learn in their way) don’t have kids that can’t complete a task without zoning out. Do they have kids at home that are so sensitive that it is a daily struggle just to get them to wash their hair or face? Not because their kids, but because it is actually painful? Do they know what it is like to see their kid want to talk about psychology and the study of seals more than wanting to play baseball? Or to understand that their child needs extra time because they are slow processors? That they are not able to answer a question within your time frame? That they need to think and sometimes they over think, obsess and become stuck on one thing. And if they did have these kids at home, would they not want their schools to provide these supports? Supports such as time and patience, peace and quiet, the ability to take time to answer questions and use thought instead of being constantly berated to hurry up. My son’s disgust for school has nothing to do with his education. He is interested. But if you are expected to go to a rave to learn about biology, how would you behave? How much would you be able to absorb and learn? Let’s throw you into a pot of chaos and then tell you to finish your assignments, not be irritable or distracted.

I have always believed that perfection is a disgusting disguise of those who judge others. Anyone not being genuinely who they are with expectation that others act this way as well should be defined as being perfect and held to their impossible standard. My son and I will continue to be imperfect, lively freely with no desire to be influenced by your preconceived ideas of what a single mother and autistic son should be. We are our own and I can assure you that we are more honest and loving towards each other than most families with two parents or siblings. We do it our way and we will no longer apologize for not fitting in your class room.

Marriage Advice from a Single Mom

So I was doing what I do best when I’m home for some time (longer than 2 hours) working on several tasks, staying on top of my priorities while remembering several other things I’ve been wanting to do. So after putting my son to bed, while cutting strawberries and cleaning up the remains of dinner, in typical Dana fashion I decided to rummage through some old boxes. Upon opening one I found several concert tickets, beer stickers and old cards from lost loves. But folded up in a crisp white sheet of perfect resume paper I had found a note to myself not quite 10 years into marriage. Before I even laid eyes on the first word I assumed that it would be nothing more than an angry typed rant, but as I read I couldn’t help but to relate to my 30 year old self. This brief paragraph takes my hope for what I thought I was doing right for someone into realizing it’s exactly what we should all be doing for each other. There is no “marriage advice” or “relationship goals” in life. It simply treating others the way you wish to be. It’s unfortunate that many of us treat our families worse than our co-workers or those that serve our lunch or pour our beers. We are a society of taker for granters. But those that are grateful; these are the happy, the content, the romantic after 40 years people. Those are my people, they are our true role models.

2/28/2007

I never think I’m “trying” or “doing my best” when I think of others I love. I believe those are things you say when you are doing something you hate to be doing. Like someone is over top of you, whip in hand while you row the boat. When you are doing something you love, it doesn’t involve trying at all. You don’t try to have a good time when you are in Disney World eating an ice cream cone with people that are happy all around you. You just do it. Because you are happy. Ok so maybe you don’t like Disneyworld, maybe sitting on your front porch with a glass of lemonade is a good time. There is nothing wrong with being happy with that. And when we are doing things for other people, we don’t say it either. Even if you really are just doing your best. When I try to learn of something that my husband likes, I don’t do it because I have to and I certainly don’t do it just to tell him that I’m “trying”. I do it because I’m selfish. I do it because a part of me wants to make a part of him happy. I want to know that a few of the reasons he smiles (very few) is because he is happy when he thinks of something I did for him. Maybe I bought pizzas at the store even after spending all day in the kitchen….cold, dead cardboard pizzas. But he forgets until one day he opens the freezer and is suddenly as happy as the youngest sibling that somehow got the last cookie. And that’s nice to know, that crappy pizza reminds him of me. You can’t constantly be asking someone if they are happy with you and how often. Life would be nothing more than a serious of Cosmo quizzes (do people still take those?). But instead recognize it when they smile while eating their lifeless pizza. Some things are small and some will take time. It’s really important to know the person you feel this way about respects you and wants good things for you too. If they don’t, you are pretty much living with someone that always just feels they are “doing their best”.

Chasing Neil

He’s seven years old. And ever since he was 1 day, he has been the love of my life. His bold eyes and beautiful heart have captivated me. He has the ability to stop a store of people as if he was a celebrity with his character and charm, making friends wherever he goes. Neil is my son, but he is more than that. Neil is exactly who he wants to be.

For two years I had the privilege of living along side him on a daily basis. Raising him yes, but watching him take the lead. Neil always had a curiosity even as a baby. His observant nature is what makes him who he is today. Not me, not society, just his ability to see what many of us miss. He lives in the moment and acts out his feelings. He is the epitome of honesty. But unfortunately this is not what society feels is acceptable.

Neil was diagnosed with ASD aka Asperger’s this year after having a hard time performing in 1st grade. For several years, Neil attended a private preschool followed by kindergarten with no issues. And then suddenly, those beautiful qualities that we all wish we had became his nemesis. The overload of information, the long days, the loud crowd of 25 other kids all shoved into one classroom. It was too much. Imagine your senses heightened. Visually over stimulated, not knowing what direction to go in and the noise, oh the Noise Noise Noise as the Grinch would say. Picture yourself at your office while someone is banging symbols behind your head all day. This is what it is for Neil to be in a “normal” classroom. An exhausting roller coaster ride of information, people and demands. Just like many of us in our careers, there are some that cannot sit behind a desk all day and others that prefer to work independently. We are not all the same, therefore as we have more freedom to choose what motivates us, we are able to become successful, because we are happy. But children are not able to choose how they learn and that’s a shame. Because no matter how much the public school system tries to teach that we are the masses and “one size fits all”, it will fail us every time because we are all different. Whether you have Asperger’s or you are high energy, or you are shy and anxious or you come from a good home or a broken home or no home at all you have it in you to be productive, focused and driven. It’s just finding your own desires and motivations that will allow us to be successful.

At home, he is in his element. I can take him anywhere. He has a fondness for sushi and Chili’s. He loves cats and finds it calming and nurturing to act like one every now and again which of course gets him in trouble at school or has other kids wondering what’s up with this kid. But really, don’t all children act out? Have some form of imaginary friend? This is why Neil thrives at home and in social situations when we are together. Because I get him. He is my son, but he is also my sidekick. I have been in tune with his senses since he was born. And as he is observing this great big world, I have been observing him. Since my divorce, our bond has grown even stronger. We are always together and I use our time to explore and discover new things. Sometimes I know I am challenging him. But I parent so that my son may grow up feeling confident and secure in himself in hopes that he is never alone, but if he finds himself struggling, he will know how to cope. I don’t parent a child on the spectrum. I raise a strong willed boy to become a super cool human in this thoughtless society today. And I don’t look at him as a child with a “special need”. I look at Neil as though he has a power we are lacking and in that wild mind of his he is teaching us all how to be real and beautiful in our own selves.

He is wise, an old soul, an incredible reader with an extraordinary vocabulary. He has an intense focus when working on something he is passionate about. He laughs a lot even though at seven years old he has been through a lot. Neil isn’t mine, he belongs to the world and how much greater it is to live in it alongside this beautiful mind.

You say it’s your birthday…

I am pretty sure today wasn’t much different than yesterday. And that it being Monday, the amount of work and rushing hasn’t changed from last Monday. But it sure feels different. Maybe it’s because today I have lived 14,965 of those days and they are beginning to add up. The stress is much greater, the emotions much harder to conceal. But isn’t all this supposed to be over? Aren’t the rush of emotions and heart pounding moments meant for adolescence? Certainly not to be expected in a mature 41 year old mom.

Most of us at this age say, “just another day you know”. But I honestly don’t believe that. I hear people around me chalking up birthdays as though they should be ashamed almost for having one. Like it’s not cool to want to celebrate your own birthday and even less cool to expect someone you love to do it for you. It’s also good for you to know that 9 times out of 10 these people have an abundance of family and don’t know what it’s like to go a day yet alone a week completely and utterly alone. Tell me then that you want to celebrate your birthday alone….again. Just like the other days that lead you up to this one. It goes without saying that we are a society of taker-for-granters and we do it best to those we “love”. We all say it, we treat our co-workers better than our spouses, our pets better than our children. It’s the way of our society.

So yes to you just another day sayers. I get you. You would love a day to yourself, alone. But how wonderful and enlightening to know that when you are finished basking in yourself on your day, there are people waiting to kiss you goodnight or mail you a card or place a phone call. Maybe I’m the one that’s cool, wanting to spend my day with those that have chosen to love me. To share my time with those that are for whatever reason as happy to see me live another day. So on this 41st birthday cheers to you! And actually no, today is not my birthday. That’s in three more days. I am just very hopeful I won’t be sitting in my pj’s typing a bunch of blah blah blahs to you guys.