If everyone could see your thoughts like a bubble floating above your head, would you change the way you think? The words running through your mind when you have nothing but silence at the end of the day are not always chosen though. They appear like scenes in a movie, clips from your life or perhaps a daydream of things yet to happen. Which ones do you grasp and hold on to? If you choose the latter, you might find yourself on a path to motivation. Next thing you know you’re making plans, getting back on that bike and dancing in the kitchen. Or do you let the movie play out, reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter who you are, because no one wants you.

I’ve read horrendous stories of those who have been left as children with nothing but the clothes on their backs and sometimes not even their shoes. And then there are others who you would have no idea walk among us with no one to even call if they should need a shoulder to cry on. When you are taking care of yourself and perhaps a few others, it makes people feel really uncomfortable real quick when that person starts to cry. Sometimes they just offer unsolicited advice or tell you what you already know and that “you got this”. But whatever they are saying, they are saying to comfort themselves, not you.

Trust is a two way street that I pretty much never cross. I know I’m honest. I know I have integrity. I don’t say this to be smug, just that I know who I am. I don’t lie and I don’t feel right trying to be something I’m not whether someone is watching or not. But I realize this also makes people uneasy, mostly because many are not comfortable in themselves. I am so used to being put in uncomfortable situations from the time I was a kid, that it doesn’t bother me to own up to something I messed up or say something that is direct. All the stuff in between really is just like watching an ad for something you really don’t want. Look at me! Look what I can do! It’s just not my thing. I’m not hear to people please or make someone say, wow, she really makes me feel good, let’s keep her in our lives. No I want to be the person that they say, wow, she really will tell you the truth and I know I can trust her. I never have to worry that she is going to be passive aggressive or manipulative. That’s the kind of person I want people to like about me, but no one likes me. So I’m finding that the majority, just prefers being lied to. Like those ads. No really, just buy this and you will be better off! And they buy it, and if that were not true then we wouldn’t have so many places that sell so much stuff.

Then there are those times when you just wish you could hide, like not just from other people, but even yourself. Because in being honest, we are not always polite or thoughtful. And then we realize that it really was a moment of stupidity. Maybe you had one too many, or you let your emotions get to the conversation and didn’t consider all aspects of a situation. But either way, we are going to mess up. I like to just immediately resolve this, but of course this isn’t how life works. Many times it is not until later that I’ve had some time to myself to realize I’ve even said something stupid. And you can’t always go back in time or to that person. I find it’s best to just chalk up to, you tried. And you know you didn’t mean to cause harm, so next time, put on your listening ears. And this is how we become human. We try better next time.

Those thoughts though, even after hours or days or months or years of enjoying the life. Giving back, being motivated or being self absorbed and lazy. Realizing you will never be loved by another outside of your own kin is a depression that shows up. It shows up when I’m smiling ear to ear in a picture. It attends meetings at work or concerts and events. Inserts itself in conversation and then has the audacity to overstay its welcome. I’ve been successful many times and like to think that I have it outplayed when I distract it and move along. But it’s clingy and always comes back. Depression is the most unwelcome guest in your daily life that you never know when it will show up expecting to be entertained. It’s one sided and provides nothing during its visit. And at the end of the day, the only thing people care about is that we “handle it”. So you do. And you move on with it biting at your ankles while you smile and just shake it off.

This is the story of someone who stopped trying.

*** to be continued