A Little Help From My Friends

When you’re a parent, you sacrifice.

When you’re a single parent, you struggle.

When you’re raising a child with autism, you dedicate.

When you are all of these things, you need help.

From the time my son was born, help began to diminish. From those you should have no doubts in, to those you gave everything to. But it happened. People I believed in and loved began dropping like flies. And soon it was just me and my son. And for awhile that was alright and we have grown to be better than most would think when you have nothing but dead flies around you.

But soon, you find that you can’t. And not like the “now come on Dana, you just preached to us about positivity in your last blog.” No really, you just can’t. No amount of reciting the Little Engine That Could is going to all of a sudden give me the ability to “can”. It’s like saying, hey, you’re strong, I bet if you put your mind to it you could lift that parked car over there. That is what my life is like. That is what many of you out there sharing the same enormous amount of responsibility, but doing it alone, that is what it is…..lifting a car over your head because we believed and stayed positive. Thanks but that’s not happening. This is real life, this is happening and despite my cute Facebook group name “Single Parent Superheroes”, we are not that. We are human and we cannot do this alone.

Some of you may not want to ask for help. And believe me, I get it. But if you can, then get over it, do it! That parked car is not going to lift itself and you have a child to save. Some may be where I’m at, just lacking the right amount of flies. But I will take what I can get. It’s not easy asking for help when you feel like you have been fighting a battle alone for so long. And you know that you can’t just except “conventional” help, because let’s face it, you are not conventional. I have learned that at 40, I have fewer flies (ok I’ll stop calling you that), people in my life than ever before, but I now choose wiser friends and I choose them wisely. They are too, non conventional. They may not know exactly what I’m going through, but they get that it’s not easy because they too are going through some messed up stuff.

So at the end of the day when you are finishing the essay you wrote to the teacher, trying to explain to them what you see in your autistic child at the moment so they can better understand. When you are picking up that child from school after a day of constant worry of what he may or may not be doing while simultaneously trying to earn a living that doesn’t pay the bills. While you lay your head on your pillow at night wondering if you will ever be enough to have someone to lay next to. While you walk up to that parked car and hope no one is looking when you actually try to pick it up…..ha gotcha. Well….at the end, just ask. Just see. There may be few, there may be none, but something is better than nothing and you really don’t need another broken back.

What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away?
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you’re on your own?
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends’
Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

“

You say it’s your birthday…

I am pretty sure today wasn’t much different than yesterday. And that it being Monday, the amount of work and rushing hasn’t changed from last Monday. But it sure feels different. Maybe it’s because today I have lived 14,965 of those days and they are beginning to add up. The stress is much greater, the emotions much harder to conceal. But isn’t all this supposed to be over? Aren’t the rush of emotions and heart pounding moments meant for adolescence? Certainly not to be expected in a mature 41 year old mom.

Most of us at this age say, “just another day you know”. But I honestly don’t believe that. I hear people around me chalking up birthdays as though they should be ashamed almost for having one. Like it’s not cool to want to celebrate your own birthday and even less cool to expect someone you love to do it for you. It’s also good for you to know that 9 times out of 10 these people have an abundance of family and don’t know what it’s like to go a day yet alone a week completely and utterly alone. Tell me then that you want to celebrate your birthday alone….again. Just like the other days that lead you up to this one. It goes without saying that we are a society of taker-for-granters and we do it best to those we “love”. We all say it, we treat our co-workers better than our spouses, our pets better than our children. It’s the way of our society.

So yes to you just another day sayers. I get you. You would love a day to yourself, alone. But how wonderful and enlightening to know that when you are finished basking in yourself on your day, there are people waiting to kiss you goodnight or mail you a card or place a phone call. Maybe I’m the one that’s cool, wanting to spend my day with those that have chosen to love me. To share my time with those that are for whatever reason as happy to see me live another day. So on this 41st birthday cheers to you! And actually no, today is not my birthday. That’s in three more days. I am just very hopeful I won’t be sitting in my pj’s typing a bunch of blah blah blahs to you guys.

Ghost

My son, there will be times when you feel all alone. When the world eats you up and life is too much to handle.

There will be moments when you think you are the only one alive and no one can see you.

You will feel like a ghost and disappear through walls. You will shout out loud but no one will hear you.

There will be days where you can’t understand and ask why. And days others won’t understand you and not know how to answer.

My son, you will always be different. But your ghost will never disappear completely.

Because there will be times when you feel alive. When the cool breeze comes just when the sun was feeling too hot.

Days will come with laughter of those around you and there will be times you feel like everyone loves you.

The world will hug you and the loneliness will fade.

You will understand and why will turn into how.

Happiness will come to you as the leaves to the trees. When you find love, it will be within yourself.

And no matter where you are, you will know you are not alone in this world, but a part of it. Slowly spinning to face the warmth of the sun and the chill of the moon.

You see you don’t need to fit in to feel love. You will create your own happiness and others that want to share in your sunshine will join you.

You are the earth and I am your tree. I grow stronger each day that you are in my life. My limbs will provide you the ability to climb higher. My trunk a place to go when you need someone to lean on.

Be kind, be bold, be all the things that make you Neil. Reach, climb and fall. Don’t be afraid because you can walk through walls.

Don’t Stop This Train

Hi I’m 40. How old are you? It seems to be the new thing. A club for every age. 40 is the new 20! No 50 is! But honestly people, the more you talk about your age, the older you appear to be. Just stop. If age really doesn’t matter then stop making it matter or do what I have chosen to do, just live.

That’s right, I’m living. Each day as it comes. I’ve been through enough change in a short period of time to now realize I am not in control and the only thing that matters is now. Now will decide your future. So do it, do it now! What is “it”? Well that’s up to you. For me it means treating my life as though I just got out of college. I was divorced about 4 years ago of a 16 year marriage. Took my son and moved to a life that I hadn’t know since my twenties. Bachlorette pad, budgets and well, struggles. I lost my job of 15 years right at the peak of my career due to a merger. Took a pay cut and soon found my son was being diagnosed of Aspergers. I’m sorry, ASD, on the spectrum. Whatever you want to call it is fine by me, but most people just refer to it as that kid on “Parenthood”. It’s ok, I’m cool with that. Max was a pretty cool dude and so is my son. But it has challenges. You soon learn to fight for everything you need. Education, assistance, anything that may come to me and my son as rewarding has all been fought for, but it’s ours and we own it.

So it goes. The hamster wheel. You wake, you work, you struggle, you hope to sleep and then you do it all over again. Or you can ask yourself what is it you really need? That’s what I did. I bet the answer is the same as yours, money and time. I need money to have more time, but I need time to make money. I know I can squeeze a bit out of each like blood from a turnip but I have to work smarter not harder. So there in lies my teenage dream of one day making it as a model and then possibly moving on to acting. I love to be in front of people, behind the camera. I am adaptable and strong. I have chosen to stay fit and healthy and did my best to take the high road in most situations over the years. And I bet many other of you 30, 40 or 50 somethings have too.

We are 40. And we are a different generation from our parents. We live longer. We eat better and take time to stay fit. We go to concerts and do cool stuff. We have our kids later in life and want to keep up with them. Many of us women are tired of the constant images of 14-18 year old “models” looking our part in high heels and glammed out makeup in advertisements to sell us 40 somethings a bra in which you probably need to take out a mortgage for. I say screw that. I want to see more of us moms, career women, even single dads all of you middle agers who are busting your butt and looking cool as shit doing it in the next Victorias Secret or Abercrombie ad (wait, are they still cool?) Anyway you get what I’m saying. We are adaptable and strong. We are beautiful and wise. But mostly we are REAL.

I have somehow managed to compile enough professional shots to begin networking and even accepting my first paid gig in just a month’s time with that turnip blood. And I have done so at the worst possible time while struggling. But they say that is when you find your passion, in the hardest of times. I haven’t mowed my lawn in two weeks, I have a zit on my nose and have very little experience, but off I go today to a photo shoot owning it. And I may fall. Actually I probably will because you try standing on one foot in 4 inch stilettos, but I will get back up and keep trying because well, what else am I going to do? And eventually I will make it. Not because I’m awesome, not because I have “a look”, but because I don’t give up when I want something. I don’t make excuses not to move on or try something new even though I have 1,000 of them. I’ve seen too many people in my life that are dead and buried before their hearts have stopped beating. How many of us say to our loved ones to please “pull the plug” if we are ever in a coma or can’t feel anymore? It’s no different when you choose to stop living for yourself. You might as well just pull the plug. It isn’t easy as we age, life isn’t fair, but if we keep pushing for what we really love and want we will find that it’s not how long you live that matters but how much living we do. Sobus,Dana-102-Confidene

So whatever your passion, stop telling yourself your age or your time or your money. If you want to go back to college or start a new career just remember that your success brings success to those around you. And 40 is not the new 20, you are old! But that doesn’t mean your dead. Live your best life no matter what age. We all know there are no guarantees for a tomorrow.

“I Read the News Today Oh Boy…”

Did you read the news today? Did you know that people who curse a lot are smarter than the rest of the world? And are you aware of the 10 tips that every successful person does that you probably aren’t doing? What about the latest trends? Have you seen your eyebrows lately?! If you haven’t then….Don’t look!

With the overload of information the internet has provided us it is so easy to get caught up in whatever your Facebook feed is selling you today. Or maybe it is your local news or the ridiculous amounts of choices we have at the grocery store with every marketing ploy to tell us what is really good for us. But let me fill you in on a secret, none of that is making you wiser.

Our world is full of contradictions. If you were to clip out and save every Huffington Post article, marketing campaign and celebrity opinion you would have something like this:

Take your time. Just do it!

Don’t be so naive. You are too cynical.

Be more open! Don’t be so emotional.

Love to the fullest! Don’t fall too fast.

I’ve spent a lot more time alone in recent years and one thing you know you can always count on are your thoughts. Us humans come with our own amazing devices such as instincts and conscience. Those devices, however, fade over time and are instead filled with preconceived ideas from outside sources. But something very interesting happens when you reject mainstream society and actually listen to your own thoughts. You realize that you know more than you ever thought you had. And you know that you know. You know what is right, because if you are good you will always be right. And good doesn’t come from liking the post that manipulates you into thinking you are a horrible person if you don’t. It comes from liking who you are and being confident enough to believe in your self. And maybe if we all stripped down to this notion that we can believe in ourselves, we can begin to believe in humanity again.

So stop reading my blog and no you can’t eat an avocado seed. Cosmo won’t tell you how to have better sex and your horoscope isn’t right. Just go and be human, if only you can remember how.

I Have a Million Things to do Today

You wake in a fog, coming down from the work week, one day in of the short break we call the weekend. It’s easy like Sunday morning. And if even for just 15 minutes, the time is yours.

We all need a break they say and most of us rushing to make breakfast for our kids, pay the bills or fill the impossible requests for your time during said weekend don’t really take one. But I bet you do. Maybe you’re the one sitting on the John with phone in hand just a little too long, or your shouting “I’m going to take the trash out!” while getting in a few puffs of a cigg. Either way, these are breaks and they are yours.

This morning it felt as though I was on vacation. This break lasting a full 30 minutes, I had enough time to open the windows (which in my house is equivalent to a short session at a cross fit gym). As I pulled up a bench, literally, I felt the magnificence of the outdoors coming in to my home to share it’s time with me. Needless to say, as an allergy sufferer, it’s been a while since I’ve let some air in the house.

The morning sunlight poured in like wine from a bottle and in those minutes every sense felt fulfilled. I haven’t even mentioned the coffee in hand with just enough cinnamon to make me aware of the slight coolness the breeze had to offer. I could no longer see the stacks of papers in the room, the piles to be cleaned. I couldn’t hear the voices in my head telling me how much I needed to get done today because it would be my last chance before the next weekend would arrive. I simply sat and felt. Then I looked up and noticed the huge clock on the wall….ah the clock, my archenemy.

The morale of this story? Mindfulness. It’s the time you have, no matter how short. It’s the focus on your senses, no matter where you are. It’s the people you are with, the breeze upon your face, the beautiful views of the countryside you probably take for granted on your morning commutes. Take full advantage of this mindfulness each day and it will do amazing things for your patience and self control. Soon enough the starting gun will be reminding you the weekend is over and you really weren’t on vacation this whole time.

Shuffle

Forrest Gump said “Life is like a box of chocolates”, but I beg to differ. Chocolate although may come in several forms, is mostly predictable. Sure you may get a caramel and chip a tooth or dark chocolate making you feel a bit bitter. Certainly all things life can leave you feeling, pain and angst. But that perfect silky, melt in your mouth outer shell, that chocolate, that is the beauty of life and it is found in every piece within the box. Don’t get me wrong, some may relate to the chocolate in it’s familiarity and happy ending. It really is a positive way to look at life.

Now let’s look at life, for real. I like to say music is the soundtrack of our lives. In the real world it’s as though you are playing it on shuffle. That’s right, being a single parent is much like being brave enough to press shuffle on your ipod. Now you really don’t know what you’re going to get Forrest! Most of us only keep music we enjoy, but if you are a true music lover you know you have a song, artist or album for every mood. And since you have a child you know that feeling when you are chilling to Beastie Boys and all of a sudden “I’m a Little Teapot” is blaring from your Kia and your “I’m still cool” confidence goes right out the window and reality sucks you right back in. Now that’s life. No silky melt in your mouth chocolate, just a sudden change you were definitely not prepared for.

I used to believe that life is choices, but to truly be ready for anything, you must believe that life is changes. Just when you think you are clear for a while, Floyd comes on and reminds you that it’s a long ballad until you can catch your breath again. The key is to accept it. Yes you all should embrace a little Floyd now and again and know that soon enough Dave Grohl will come back in to be sure you are awake. Maybe you will be fortunate at times to come across a little Van Morrison and do a little Moondance or your heart will be in the right place to be ok with singing Adele at the top of your lungs(I don’t ever do that). As long as you know that at any moment Zeppelin will come on and over stay their welcome.

So I say life is like a playlist on shuffle. It will bring you challenges, but it will give you joy like no other. It is worth waking up everyday to turn it on again and hit repeat. And remember, you are not alone. There are people out there that still like the Eagles.

My First Day on the Blog

All of you single parents going it alone, this is for you. From the hurried mornings to the impossible school nights, the pile of dishes and unmade beds. You are here to relate. Let’s face it, we are the underdog. There are no communities for single parents where we can pay a fee to have our lawns mowed. We are it. Numero Uno. If you have help, three kids or one; it doesn’t matter. This isn’t a competition. We are in this together. Because at the end of the day we hit the pillow not the couch…alone. What is a couch? If you have one I bet you are never on it. Chances are it’s mostly used for fort building and coat storing.

Even now as I type, I am ignoring my responsibilities knowing I will need to wake one hour earlier than the typical 5:30 alarm to make up for this “free time”. You know what I’m talking about, all that “free time” our married friends say we should have because on weekends the other parent has our child. Yes, because going weeks without another human being to help maintain a home and a child means party time for us on Saturday! Chances are you are frantically getting all the things done you couldn’t because caulking or weeding don’t get done when you are the only one tending to your child. Running the gazillion errands on your lunch break because you know you can’t leave the house once you’re home. And maybe you get out a little to see friends or maybe you have a partner. That takes even more sacrifice because you know for every minute you are doing something for yourself you will spend making up in late nights or early mornings. Someone said to me recently, “Dana, you are lucky you get to have a day out with your boyfriend. When you are married you never get time like that together.” Agreed, I was married for 16 years; however, I would easily give up that one “free” day to have every night back with a family.

Things that are done by most at the end of the work day, instead wait for us in endless piles until after our kids are asleep because there is no other parent or warm-blooded body at least keeping an eye out. You can’t even leave your house if you wanted to. The papers, the schedules, the forms are piled on the mecca we call the counter top. You know it well. And thank goodness for it. We eat standing up on it, finish homework on it, leave things we think someday we will get to on it. Thank goodness for the counter top. Because being a single parent means being grateful. We get it. We appreciate any help we can get.

We all have our stories and well, this is mine. My son is on the spectrum. Don’t worry, I still don’t know what that means. He is seven, he is cool and he is my favorite human. There are no choices in single parenthood. We are the rushed, the frantic, always late; but we are also the strong and the passionate. We keep our sanity in front of our children and scream or cry when we are alone (and sometimes akwardly in front of people for no reason). And we make it work someway, somehow so that our kids don’t have to fight this battle as they grow into adulthood. In many ways single parenthood makes our children stronger, more independent. We realize quickly how capable a six year old is helping his mom with the groceries or his Dad with the lawn. They feel more confident that they are part of the team, team household. And in this day and age of entitlement, I feel no less of a parent just because I am only one.

So hold your head up high when your heel gets caught in the cracks, or you slam your finger in the door. The bruises will heal, time will Neil6 pass and we will come out of this challenge with knowing we have raised good people.