Strength Lessons

Strength cannot be taught. It is something that one can only learn through their own experiences. Each one of us handles trauma in different ways. If I choose to be kind to my child I am showing him compassion. When I do things for him he is appreciative. Because in many instances he understands that I am not always able to help him in the way he wants me to. He understands the struggle that we carry being a single parent household. At nine years old he himself has been through his own trauma.

He knows that when the sink is running, for instance, I can’t hear him speak. And if he needs something that he must come to me and ask rather than me wait on him. He understands that he must open the door for me each and every night because he is not able to carry heavy loads as of yet. When he asks for a drink at bedtime it is always followed by an apology that he didn’t ask sooner and feels bad making me go back down the stairs. I always tell him that I certainly don’t mind because he is kind to me too and we help each other. And then sometimes I just tell him to go get it himself. The ability that my son and I have to be able to ask each other for help when needed is our strength. So when you see my child playing video games or me giving him his favorite cookie and being more than happy to pour him a glass of milk it is because it is well-deserved.

Some of us see others on social media as an example and may think “wow what a great life she must have, must be nice”. But strength lies in knowing how hard I worked to be in that moment. And at times it may only be treating myself to a glass of wine, maybe a night out for dinner, or just putting my feet up and watching a movie. Strength also comes from not having to defend or explain yourself to others. I know how far I’ve come and how hard I have faught. I have no desire to prove that to anyone else.

Strength is not how big of a wall you can build. It is not how hard you can hit or how little you cry. No, strength is kindness, compassion, love. Strength is patience, regard for others, and the ability to know when you yourself need to take a step back and give yourself all of the above. Don’t confuse strength with toughness. The latter will only leave you with an empty heart. It is true what they say strength comes from within. You cannot take a class in it, ask for it or borrow it. You must simply learn how to cope.

The happiest people I know are the most grateful. That’s a start.

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Chasing Neil

He’s seven years old. And ever since he was 1 day, he has been the love of my life. His bold eyes and beautiful heart have captivated me. He has the ability to stop a store of people as if he was a celebrity with his character and charm, making friends wherever he goes. Neil is my son, but he is more than that. Neil is exactly who he wants to be.

For two years I had the privilege of living along side him on a daily basis. Raising him yes, but watching him take the lead. Neil always had a curiosity even as a baby. His observant nature is what makes him who he is today. Not me, not society, just his ability to see what many of us miss. He lives in the moment and acts out his feelings. He is the epitome of honesty. But unfortunately this is not what society feels is acceptable.

Neil was diagnosed with ASD aka Asperger’s this year after having a hard time performing in 1st grade. For several years, Neil attended a private preschool followed by kindergarten with no issues. And then suddenly, those beautiful qualities that we all wish we had became his nemesis. The overload of information, the long days, the loud crowd of 25 other kids all shoved into one classroom. It was too much. Imagine your senses heightened. Visually over stimulated, not knowing what direction to go in and the noise, oh the Noise Noise Noise as the Grinch would say. Picture yourself at your office while someone is banging symbols behind your head all day. This is what it is for Neil to be in a “normal” classroom. An exhausting roller coaster ride of information, people and demands. Just like many of us in our careers, there are some that cannot sit behind a desk all day and others that prefer to work independently. We are not all the same, therefore as we have more freedom to choose what motivates us, we are able to become successful, because we are happy. But children are not able to choose how they learn and that’s a shame. Because no matter how much the public school system tries to teach that we are the masses and “one size fits all”, it will fail us every time because we are all different. Whether you have Asperger’s or you are high energy, or you are shy and anxious or you come from a good home or a broken home or no home at all you have it in you to be productive, focused and driven. It’s just finding your own desires and motivations that will allow us to be successful.

At home, he is in his element. I can take him anywhere. He has a fondness for sushi and Chili’s. He loves cats and finds it calming and nurturing to act like one every now and again which of course gets him in trouble at school or has other kids wondering what’s up with this kid. But really, don’t all children act out? Have some form of imaginary friend? This is why Neil thrives at home and in social situations when we are together. Because I get him. He is my son, but he is also my sidekick. I have been in tune with his senses since he was born. And as he is observing this great big world, I have been observing him. Since my divorce, our bond has grown even stronger. We are always together and I use our time to explore and discover new things. Sometimes I know I am challenging him. But I parent so that my son may grow up feeling confident and secure in himself in hopes that he is never alone, but if he finds himself struggling, he will know how to cope. I don’t parent a child on the spectrum. I raise a strong willed boy to become a super cool human in this thoughtless society today. And I don’t look at him as a child with a “special need”. I look at Neil as though he has a power we are lacking and in that wild mind of his he is teaching us all how to be real and beautiful in our own selves.

He is wise, an old soul, an incredible reader with an extraordinary vocabulary. He has an intense focus when working on something he is passionate about. He laughs a lot even though at seven years old he has been through a lot. Neil isn’t mine, he belongs to the world and how much greater it is to live in it alongside this beautiful mind.

A Little Help From My Friends

When you’re a parent, you sacrifice.

When you’re a single parent, you struggle.

When you’re raising a child with autism, you dedicate.

When you are all of these things, you need help.

From the time my son was born, help began to diminish. From those you should have no doubts in, to those you gave everything to. But it happened. People I believed in and loved began dropping like flies. And soon it was just me and my son. And for awhile that was alright and we have grown to be better than most would think when you have nothing but dead flies around you.

But soon, you find that you can’t. And not like the “now come on Dana, you just preached to us about positivity in your last blog.” No really, you just can’t. No amount of reciting the Little Engine That Could is going to all of a sudden give me the ability to “can”. It’s like saying, hey, you’re strong, I bet if you put your mind to it you could lift that parked car over there. That is what my life is like. That is what many of you out there sharing the same enormous amount of responsibility, but doing it alone, that is what it is…..lifting a car over your head because we believed and stayed positive. Thanks but that’s not happening. This is real life, this is happening and despite my cute Facebook group name “Single Parent Superheroes”, we are not that. We are human and we cannot do this alone.

Some of you may not want to ask for help. And believe me, I get it. But if you can, then get over it, do it! That parked car is not going to lift itself and you have a child to save. Some may be where I’m at, just lacking the right amount of flies. But I will take what I can get. It’s not easy asking for help when you feel like you have been fighting a battle alone for so long. And you know that you can’t just except “conventional” help, because let’s face it, you are not conventional. I have learned that at 40, I have fewer flies (ok I’ll stop calling you that), people in my life than ever before, but I now choose wiser friends and I choose them wisely. They are too, non conventional. They may not know exactly what I’m going through, but they get that it’s not easy because they too are going through some messed up stuff.

So at the end of the day when you are finishing the essay you wrote to the teacher, trying to explain to them what you see in your autistic child at the moment so they can better understand. When you are picking up that child from school after a day of constant worry of what he may or may not be doing while simultaneously trying to earn a living that doesn’t pay the bills. While you lay your head on your pillow at night wondering if you will ever be enough to have someone to lay next to. While you walk up to that parked car and hope no one is looking when you actually try to pick it up…..ha gotcha. Well….at the end, just ask. Just see. There may be few, there may be none, but something is better than nothing and you really don’t need another broken back.

What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away?
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you’re on your own?
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends’
Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

“

Ghost

My son, there will be times when you feel all alone. When the world eats you up and life is too much to handle.

There will be moments when you think you are the only one alive and no one can see you.

You will feel like a ghost and disappear through walls. You will shout out loud but no one will hear you.

There will be days where you can’t understand and ask why. And days others won’t understand you and not know how to answer.

My son, you will always be different. But your ghost will never disappear completely.

Because there will be times when you feel alive. When the cool breeze comes just when the sun was feeling too hot.

Days will come with laughter of those around you and there will be times you feel like everyone loves you.

The world will hug you and the loneliness will fade.

You will understand and why will turn into how.

Happiness will come to you as the leaves to the trees. When you find love, it will be within yourself.

And no matter where you are, you will know you are not alone in this world, but a part of it. Slowly spinning to face the warmth of the sun and the chill of the moon.

You see you don’t need to fit in to feel love. You will create your own happiness and others that want to share in your sunshine will join you.

You are the earth and I am your tree. I grow stronger each day that you are in my life. My limbs will provide you the ability to climb higher. My trunk a place to go when you need someone to lean on.

Be kind, be bold, be all the things that make you Neil. Reach, climb and fall. Don’t be afraid because you can walk through walls.

I Have a Million Things to do Today

You wake in a fog, coming down from the work week, one day in of the short break we call the weekend. It’s easy like Sunday morning. And if even for just 15 minutes, the time is yours.

We all need a break they say and most of us rushing to make breakfast for our kids, pay the bills or fill the impossible requests for your time during said weekend don’t really take one. But I bet you do. Maybe you’re the one sitting on the John with phone in hand just a little too long, or your shouting “I’m going to take the trash out!” while getting in a few puffs of a cigg. Either way, these are breaks and they are yours.

This morning it felt as though I was on vacation. This break lasting a full 30 minutes, I had enough time to open the windows (which in my house is equivalent to a short session at a cross fit gym). As I pulled up a bench, literally, I felt the magnificence of the outdoors coming in to my home to share it’s time with me. Needless to say, as an allergy sufferer, it’s been a while since I’ve let some air in the house.

The morning sunlight poured in like wine from a bottle and in those minutes every sense felt fulfilled. I haven’t even mentioned the coffee in hand with just enough cinnamon to make me aware of the slight coolness the breeze had to offer. I could no longer see the stacks of papers in the room, the piles to be cleaned. I couldn’t hear the voices in my head telling me how much I needed to get done today because it would be my last chance before the next weekend would arrive. I simply sat and felt. Then I looked up and noticed the huge clock on the wall….ah the clock, my archenemy.

The morale of this story? Mindfulness. It’s the time you have, no matter how short. It’s the focus on your senses, no matter where you are. It’s the people you are with, the breeze upon your face, the beautiful views of the countryside you probably take for granted on your morning commutes. Take full advantage of this mindfulness each day and it will do amazing things for your patience and self control. Soon enough the starting gun will be reminding you the weekend is over and you really weren’t on vacation this whole time.

Shuffle

Forrest Gump said “Life is like a box of chocolates”, but I beg to differ. Chocolate although may come in several forms, is mostly predictable. Sure you may get a caramel and chip a tooth or dark chocolate making you feel a bit bitter. Certainly all things life can leave you feeling, pain and angst. But that perfect silky, melt in your mouth outer shell, that chocolate, that is the beauty of life and it is found in every piece within the box. Don’t get me wrong, some may relate to the chocolate in it’s familiarity and happy ending. It really is a positive way to look at life.

Now let’s look at life, for real. I like to say music is the soundtrack of our lives. In the real world it’s as though you are playing it on shuffle. That’s right, being a single parent is much like being brave enough to press shuffle on your ipod. Now you really don’t know what you’re going to get Forrest! Most of us only keep music we enjoy, but if you are a true music lover you know you have a song, artist or album for every mood. And since you have a child you know that feeling when you are chilling to Beastie Boys and all of a sudden “I’m a Little Teapot” is blaring from your Kia and your “I’m still cool” confidence goes right out the window and reality sucks you right back in. Now that’s life. No silky melt in your mouth chocolate, just a sudden change you were definitely not prepared for.

I used to believe that life is choices, but to truly be ready for anything, you must believe that life is changes. Just when you think you are clear for a while, Floyd comes on and reminds you that it’s a long ballad until you can catch your breath again. The key is to accept it. Yes you all should embrace a little Floyd now and again and know that soon enough Dave Grohl will come back in to be sure you are awake. Maybe you will be fortunate at times to come across a little Van Morrison and do a little Moondance or your heart will be in the right place to be ok with singing Adele at the top of your lungs(I don’t ever do that). As long as you know that at any moment Zeppelin will come on and over stay their welcome.

So I say life is like a playlist on shuffle. It will bring you challenges, but it will give you joy like no other. It is worth waking up everyday to turn it on again and hit repeat. And remember, you are not alone. There are people out there that still like the Eagles.

My First Day on the Blog

All of you single parents going it alone, this is for you. From the hurried mornings to the impossible school nights, the pile of dishes and unmade beds. You are here to relate. Let’s face it, we are the underdog. There are no communities for single parents where we can pay a fee to have our lawns mowed. We are it. Numero Uno. If you have help, three kids or one; it doesn’t matter. This isn’t a competition. We are in this together. Because at the end of the day we hit the pillow not the couch…alone. What is a couch? If you have one I bet you are never on it. Chances are it’s mostly used for fort building and coat storing.

Even now as I type, I am ignoring my responsibilities knowing I will need to wake one hour earlier than the typical 5:30 alarm to make up for this “free time”. You know what I’m talking about, all that “free time” our married friends say we should have because on weekends the other parent has our child. Yes, because going weeks without another human being to help maintain a home and a child means party time for us on Saturday! Chances are you are frantically getting all the things done you couldn’t because caulking or weeding don’t get done when you are the only one tending to your child. Running the gazillion errands on your lunch break because you know you can’t leave the house once you’re home. And maybe you get out a little to see friends or maybe you have a partner. That takes even more sacrifice because you know for every minute you are doing something for yourself you will spend making up in late nights or early mornings. Someone said to me recently, “Dana, you are lucky you get to have a day out with your boyfriend. When you are married you never get time like that together.” Agreed, I was married for 16 years; however, I would easily give up that one “free” day to have every night back with a family.

Things that are done by most at the end of the work day, instead wait for us in endless piles until after our kids are asleep because there is no other parent or warm-blooded body at least keeping an eye out. You can’t even leave your house if you wanted to. The papers, the schedules, the forms are piled on the mecca we call the counter top. You know it well. And thank goodness for it. We eat standing up on it, finish homework on it, leave things we think someday we will get to on it. Thank goodness for the counter top. Because being a single parent means being grateful. We get it. We appreciate any help we can get.

We all have our stories and well, this is mine. My son is on the spectrum. Don’t worry, I still don’t know what that means. He is seven, he is cool and he is my favorite human. There are no choices in single parenthood. We are the rushed, the frantic, always late; but we are also the strong and the passionate. We keep our sanity in front of our children and scream or cry when we are alone (and sometimes akwardly in front of people for no reason). And we make it work someway, somehow so that our kids don’t have to fight this battle as they grow into adulthood. In many ways single parenthood makes our children stronger, more independent. We realize quickly how capable a six year old is helping his mom with the groceries or his Dad with the lawn. They feel more confident that they are part of the team, team household. And in this day and age of entitlement, I feel no less of a parent just because I am only one.

So hold your head up high when your heel gets caught in the cracks, or you slam your finger in the door. The bruises will heal, time will Neil6 pass and we will come out of this challenge with knowing we have raised good people.