Marriage Advice from a Single Mom

So I was doing what I do best when I’m home for some time (longer than 2 hours) working on several tasks, staying on top of my priorities while remembering several other things I’ve been wanting to do. So after putting my son to bed, while cutting strawberries and cleaning up the remains of dinner, in typical Dana fashion I decided to rummage through some old boxes. Upon opening one I found several concert tickets, beer stickers and old cards from lost loves. But folded up in a crisp white sheet of perfect resume paper I had found a note to myself not quite 10 years into marriage. Before I even laid eyes on the first word I assumed that it would be nothing more than an angry typed rant, but as I read I couldn’t help but to relate to my 30 year old self. This brief paragraph takes my hope for what I thought I was doing right for someone into realizing it’s exactly what we should all be doing for each other. There is no “marriage advice” or “relationship goals” in life. It simply treating others the way you wish to be. It’s unfortunate that many of us treat our families worse than our co-workers or those that serve our lunch or pour our beers. We are a society of taker for granters. But those that are grateful; these are the happy, the content, the romantic after 40 years people. Those are my people, they are our true role models.

2/28/2007

I never think I’m “trying” or “doing my best” when I think of others I love. I believe those are things you say when you are doing something you hate to be doing. Like someone is over top of you, whip in hand while you row the boat. When you are doing something you love, it doesn’t involve trying at all. You don’t try to have a good time when you are in Disney World eating an ice cream cone with people that are happy all around you. You just do it. Because you are happy. Ok so maybe you don’t like Disneyworld, maybe sitting on your front porch with a glass of lemonade is a good time. There is nothing wrong with being happy with that. And when we are doing things for other people, we don’t say it either. Even if you really are just doing your best. When I try to learn of something that my husband likes, I don’t do it because I have to and I certainly don’t do it just to tell him that I’m “trying”. I do it because I’m selfish. I do it because a part of me wants to make a part of him happy. I want to know that a few of the reasons he smiles (very few) is because he is happy when he thinks of something I did for him. Maybe I bought pizzas at the store even after spending all day in the kitchen….cold, dead cardboard pizzas. But he forgets until one day he opens the freezer and is suddenly as happy as the youngest sibling that somehow got the last cookie. And that’s nice to know, that crappy pizza reminds him of me. You can’t constantly be asking someone if they are happy with you and how often. Life would be nothing more than a serious of Cosmo quizzes (do people still take those?). But instead recognize it when they smile while eating their lifeless pizza. Some things are small and some will take time. It’s really important to know the person you feel this way about respects you and wants good things for you too. If they don’t, you are pretty much living with someone that always just feels they are “doing their best”.

When There’s Nothing Left

The sun is down and you settle in to the evening. A morning hustle followed by an afternoon flow, it’s been another day. Maybe you made progress, maybe you made mistakes. Whatever you are feeling it is your own.

So now you finish that last breath of strength and let go of the tension in your muscle as you let the evening complete you. Do you go on to a friend about the makings of your day or immerse yourself in a book perhaps even a song? Maybe you could look forward to what’s to come in the next sun and prepare for it by making a list or two.

But then that moment comes when there is nothing left. The touch of the soft fur on your cat’s ear or the ocean’s waves displayed on your ceiling no longer intrigue you…there is nothing left. When your mind can no longer think and your mouth no longer speak…there is nothing left. When your heart no longer races and your eyes no longer wander…there is nothing left. And when there is nothing left, you sleep.

You say it’s your birthday…

I am pretty sure today wasn’t much different than yesterday. And that it being Monday, the amount of work and rushing hasn’t changed from last Monday. But it sure feels different. Maybe it’s because today I have lived 14,965 of those days and they are beginning to add up. The stress is much greater, the emotions much harder to conceal. But isn’t all this supposed to be over? Aren’t the rush of emotions and heart pounding moments meant for adolescence? Certainly not to be expected in a mature 41 year old mom.

Most of us at this age say, “just another day you know”. But I honestly don’t believe that. I hear people around me chalking up birthdays as though they should be ashamed almost for having one. Like it’s not cool to want to celebrate your own birthday and even less cool to expect someone you love to do it for you. It’s also good for you to know that 9 times out of 10 these people have an abundance of family and don’t know what it’s like to go a day yet alone a week completely and utterly alone. Tell me then that you want to celebrate your birthday alone….again. Just like the other days that lead you up to this one. It goes without saying that we are a society of taker-for-granters and we do it best to those we “love”. We all say it, we treat our co-workers better than our spouses, our pets better than our children. It’s the way of our society.

So yes to you just another day sayers. I get you. You would love a day to yourself, alone. But how wonderful and enlightening to know that when you are finished basking in yourself on your day, there are people waiting to kiss you goodnight or mail you a card or place a phone call. Maybe I’m the one that’s cool, wanting to spend my day with those that have chosen to love me. To share my time with those that are for whatever reason as happy to see me live another day. So on this 41st birthday cheers to you! And actually no, today is not my birthday. That’s in three more days. I am just very hopeful I won’t be sitting in my pj’s typing a bunch of blah blah blahs to you guys.

Don’t Stop This Train

Hi I’m 40. How old are you? It seems to be the new thing. A club for every age. 40 is the new 20! No 50 is! But honestly people, the more you talk about your age, the older you appear to be. Just stop. If age really doesn’t matter then stop making it matter or do what I have chosen to do, just live.

That’s right, I’m living. Each day as it comes. I’ve been through enough change in a short period of time to now realize I am not in control and the only thing that matters is now. Now will decide your future. So do it, do it now! What is “it”? Well that’s up to you. For me it means treating my life as though I just got out of college. I was divorced about 4 years ago of a 16 year marriage. Took my son and moved to a life that I hadn’t know since my twenties. Bachlorette pad, budgets and well, struggles. I lost my job of 15 years right at the peak of my career due to a merger. Took a pay cut and soon found my son was being diagnosed of Aspergers. I’m sorry, ASD, on the spectrum. Whatever you want to call it is fine by me, but most people just refer to it as that kid on “Parenthood”. It’s ok, I’m cool with that. Max was a pretty cool dude and so is my son. But it has challenges. You soon learn to fight for everything you need. Education, assistance, anything that may come to me and my son as rewarding has all been fought for, but it’s ours and we own it.

So it goes. The hamster wheel. You wake, you work, you struggle, you hope to sleep and then you do it all over again. Or you can ask yourself what is it you really need? That’s what I did. I bet the answer is the same as yours, money and time. I need money to have more time, but I need time to make money. I know I can squeeze a bit out of each like blood from a turnip but I have to work smarter not harder. So there in lies my teenage dream of one day making it as a model and then possibly moving on to acting. I love to be in front of people, behind the camera. I am adaptable and strong. I have chosen to stay fit and healthy and did my best to take the high road in most situations over the years. And I bet many other of you 30, 40 or 50 somethings have too.

We are 40. And we are a different generation from our parents. We live longer. We eat better and take time to stay fit. We go to concerts and do cool stuff. We have our kids later in life and want to keep up with them. Many of us women are tired of the constant images of 14-18 year old “models” looking our part in high heels and glammed out makeup in advertisements to sell us 40 somethings a bra in which you probably need to take out a mortgage for. I say screw that. I want to see more of us moms, career women, even single dads all of you middle agers who are busting your butt and looking cool as shit doing it in the next Victorias Secret or Abercrombie ad (wait, are they still cool?) Anyway you get what I’m saying. We are adaptable and strong. We are beautiful and wise. But mostly we are REAL.

I have somehow managed to compile enough professional shots to begin networking and even accepting my first paid gig in just a month’s time with that turnip blood. And I have done so at the worst possible time while struggling. But they say that is when you find your passion, in the hardest of times. I haven’t mowed my lawn in two weeks, I have a zit on my nose and have very little experience, but off I go today to a photo shoot owning it. And I may fall. Actually I probably will because you try standing on one foot in 4 inch stilettos, but I will get back up and keep trying because well, what else am I going to do? And eventually I will make it. Not because I’m awesome, not because I have “a look”, but because I don’t give up when I want something. I don’t make excuses not to move on or try something new even though I have 1,000 of them. I’ve seen too many people in my life that are dead and buried before their hearts have stopped beating. How many of us say to our loved ones to please “pull the plug” if we are ever in a coma or can’t feel anymore? It’s no different when you choose to stop living for yourself. You might as well just pull the plug. It isn’t easy as we age, life isn’t fair, but if we keep pushing for what we really love and want we will find that it’s not how long you live that matters but how much living we do. Sobus,Dana-102-Confidene

So whatever your passion, stop telling yourself your age or your time or your money. If you want to go back to college or start a new career just remember that your success brings success to those around you. And 40 is not the new 20, you are old! But that doesn’t mean your dead. Live your best life no matter what age. We all know there are no guarantees for a tomorrow.