INTRO

I remember many things, but somehow can’t remember it all.  And mostly the memories come to me in waves so I’m never quite sure if series of events are in order.  If you were to ask me the first thing that comes to my mind when thinking back to my childhood, it would be my friends.  The neighborhood we lived in was all but perfect, in my eyes.  Riding our bikes through the valley, staying out just til dark when we knew it was time to come in for dinner, ghost hunting in the cornfields.  These memories are fresh in my mind and I believe that they are the foundation of my positive nature.   

Some would think that my story is filled with nothing but trauma and I suppose they are correct, but it’s the friends and vivid memories of after school shenanigans and weekend sleepovers I believe to keep me from falling down a well of negativity.  Sometimes I feel the cold, dark cylinder surrounding me, looking up to see the beauty in the light knowing I will never be able to reach it.  And I realize that it is only the kind act of another that will bring me to touch it by throwing me a rope in hopes that I will be strong enough to climb.   

Growing up was a lesson in independence.  And while I am very happy today knowing I can survive, adapt and take out my own trash, some of that independence wasn’t all welcome.  I have found that crying on your own shoulder is messy and painful.  Making yourself soup when battling through a 104 degree fever is well, kinda scary.  And then there’s parenthood in itself.  Learning to handle your own emotions, trying to figure everything out on your own in hopes you don’t screw up your child as badly as your own parents did you.  Well there’s that.  That’s not the kind of independence I would wish on anyone.  People need people.  And when you are facing loss and change and a sea of emotions people are not only needed, without them you will slowly drive yourself insane.  Consumed in your own thoughts, going through them like files in a card catalog, there is no one to tell you it’s going to be ok. 

This is a story of perseverance and hope, but also a true one.  Perseverance runs out, hope fades.  Life is heavy, it shows up everywhere.  You are in the supermarket one moment eyeing up the Ben & Jerrys, mostly because you love the names but not really the ice cream, and the next you are wondering why you live such a life of change yet always remain the same.  Maybe we are like a tree, not meant to move.  Why is life happening to me now?  Can’t it wait til I’m home enjoying the pint of ice cream I really don’t like?  It sure can’t, and it’s going to melt all over you if you don’t start doing something about it, that life.