Chasing Neil

He’s seven years old. And ever since he was 1 day, he has been the love of my life. His bold eyes and beautiful heart have captivated me. He has the ability to stop a store of people as if he was a celebrity with his character and charm, making friends wherever he goes. Neil is my son, but he is more than that. Neil is exactly who he wants to be.

For two years I had the privilege of living along side him on a daily basis. Raising him yes, but watching him take the lead. Neil always had a curiosity even as a baby. His observant nature is what makes him who he is today. Not me, not society, just his ability to see what many of us miss. He lives in the moment and acts out his feelings. He is the epitome of honesty. But unfortunately this is not what society feels is acceptable.

Neil was diagnosed with ASD aka Asperger’s this year after having a hard time performing in 1st grade. For several years, Neil attended a private preschool followed by kindergarten with no issues. And then suddenly, those beautiful qualities that we all wish we had became his nemesis. The overload of information, the long days, the loud crowd of 25 other kids all shoved into one classroom. It was too much. Imagine your senses heightened. Visually over stimulated, not knowing what direction to go in and the noise, oh the Noise Noise Noise as the Grinch would say. Picture yourself at your office while someone is banging symbols behind your head all day. This is what it is for Neil to be in a “normal” classroom. An exhausting roller coaster ride of information, people and demands. Just like many of us in our careers, there are some that cannot sit behind a desk all day and others that prefer to work independently. We are not all the same, therefore as we have more freedom to choose what motivates us, we are able to become successful, because we are happy. But children are not able to choose how they learn and that’s a shame. Because no matter how much the public school system tries to teach that we are the masses and “one size fits all”, it will fail us every time because we are all different. Whether you have Asperger’s or you are high energy, or you are shy and anxious or you come from a good home or a broken home or no home at all you have it in you to be productive, focused and driven. It’s just finding your own desires and motivations that will allow us to be successful.

At home, he is in his element. I can take him anywhere. He has a fondness for sushi and Chili’s. He loves cats and finds it calming and nurturing to act like one every now and again which of course gets him in trouble at school or has other kids wondering what’s up with this kid. But really, don’t all children act out? Have some form of imaginary friend? This is why Neil thrives at home and in social situations when we are together. Because I get him. He is my son, but he is also my sidekick. I have been in tune with his senses since he was born. And as he is observing this great big world, I have been observing him. Since my divorce, our bond has grown even stronger. We are always together and I use our time to explore and discover new things. Sometimes I know I am challenging him. But I parent so that my son may grow up feeling confident and secure in himself in hopes that he is never alone, but if he finds himself struggling, he will know how to cope. I don’t parent a child on the spectrum. I raise a strong willed boy to become a super cool human in this thoughtless society today. And I don’t look at him as a child with a “special need”. I look at Neil as though he has a power we are lacking and in that wild mind of his he is teaching us all how to be real and beautiful in our own selves.

He is wise, an old soul, an incredible reader with an extraordinary vocabulary. He has an intense focus when working on something he is passionate about. He laughs a lot even though at seven years old he has been through a lot. Neil isn’t mine, he belongs to the world and how much greater it is to live in it alongside this beautiful mind.

Shuffle

Forrest Gump said “Life is like a box of chocolates”, but I beg to differ. Chocolate although may come in several forms, is mostly predictable. Sure you may get a caramel and chip a tooth or dark chocolate making you feel a bit bitter. Certainly all things life can leave you feeling, pain and angst. But that perfect silky, melt in your mouth outer shell, that chocolate, that is the beauty of life and it is found in every piece within the box. Don’t get me wrong, some may relate to the chocolate in it’s familiarity and happy ending. It really is a positive way to look at life.

Now let’s look at life, for real. I like to say music is the soundtrack of our lives. In the real world it’s as though you are playing it on shuffle. That’s right, being a single parent is much like being brave enough to press shuffle on your ipod. Now you really don’t know what you’re going to get Forrest! Most of us only keep music we enjoy, but if you are a true music lover you know you have a song, artist or album for every mood. And since you have a child you know that feeling when you are chilling to Beastie Boys and all of a sudden “I’m a Little Teapot” is blaring from your Kia and your “I’m still cool” confidence goes right out the window and reality sucks you right back in. Now that’s life. No silky melt in your mouth chocolate, just a sudden change you were definitely not prepared for.

I used to believe that life is choices, but to truly be ready for anything, you must believe that life is changes. Just when you think you are clear for a while, Floyd comes on and reminds you that it’s a long ballad until you can catch your breath again. The key is to accept it. Yes you all should embrace a little Floyd now and again and know that soon enough Dave Grohl will come back in to be sure you are awake. Maybe you will be fortunate at times to come across a little Van Morrison and do a little Moondance or your heart will be in the right place to be ok with singing Adele at the top of your lungs(I don’t ever do that). As long as you know that at any moment Zeppelin will come on and over stay their welcome.

So I say life is like a playlist on shuffle. It will bring you challenges, but it will give you joy like no other. It is worth waking up everyday to turn it on again and hit repeat. And remember, you are not alone. There are people out there that still like the Eagles.

My First Day on the Blog

All of you single parents going it alone, this is for you. From the hurried mornings to the impossible school nights, the pile of dishes and unmade beds. You are here to relate. Let’s face it, we are the underdog. There are no communities for single parents where we can pay a fee to have our lawns mowed. We are it. Numero Uno. If you have help, three kids or one; it doesn’t matter. This isn’t a competition. We are in this together. Because at the end of the day we hit the pillow not the couch…alone. What is a couch? If you have one I bet you are never on it. Chances are it’s mostly used for fort building and coat storing.

Even now as I type, I am ignoring my responsibilities knowing I will need to wake one hour earlier than the typical 5:30 alarm to make up for this “free time”. You know what I’m talking about, all that “free time” our married friends say we should have because on weekends the other parent has our child. Yes, because going weeks without another human being to help maintain a home and a child means party time for us on Saturday! Chances are you are frantically getting all the things done you couldn’t because caulking or weeding don’t get done when you are the only one tending to your child. Running the gazillion errands on your lunch break because you know you can’t leave the house once you’re home. And maybe you get out a little to see friends or maybe you have a partner. That takes even more sacrifice because you know for every minute you are doing something for yourself you will spend making up in late nights or early mornings. Someone said to me recently, “Dana, you are lucky you get to have a day out with your boyfriend. When you are married you never get time like that together.” Agreed, I was married for 16 years; however, I would easily give up that one “free” day to have every night back with a family.

Things that are done by most at the end of the work day, instead wait for us in endless piles until after our kids are asleep because there is no other parent or warm-blooded body at least keeping an eye out. You can’t even leave your house if you wanted to. The papers, the schedules, the forms are piled on the mecca we call the counter top. You know it well. And thank goodness for it. We eat standing up on it, finish homework on it, leave things we think someday we will get to on it. Thank goodness for the counter top. Because being a single parent means being grateful. We get it. We appreciate any help we can get.

We all have our stories and well, this is mine. My son is on the spectrum. Don’t worry, I still don’t know what that means. He is seven, he is cool and he is my favorite human. There are no choices in single parenthood. We are the rushed, the frantic, always late; but we are also the strong and the passionate. We keep our sanity in front of our children and scream or cry when we are alone (and sometimes akwardly in front of people for no reason). And we make it work someway, somehow so that our kids don’t have to fight this battle as they grow into adulthood. In many ways single parenthood makes our children stronger, more independent. We realize quickly how capable a six year old is helping his mom with the groceries or his Dad with the lawn. They feel more confident that they are part of the team, team household. And in this day and age of entitlement, I feel no less of a parent just because I am only one.

So hold your head up high when your heel gets caught in the cracks, or you slam your finger in the door. The bruises will heal, time will Neil6 pass and we will come out of this challenge with knowing we have raised good people.